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Trying to understand, then shitting all over someone else’s point of view is my thing. Everyone has crazy beliefs. Whether it be a religious thing, a phobia or an obsessive compulsive reaction and you need to switch your light on 13 times before you leave a room or your cat will die, we all have them. Religion beliefs are usually amongst the worst, and the fundamentalist wing of any religion are usually the funniest.

Take Fundamentalist Muslims for instance. Whilst I don’t know much about the ins and outs of Islam, the foundation of their religion is fucking retarded. Apparently, according to Muslim doctrine, this life you’re currently living is a test, and if you pass and choose the right decisions you get to have an eternal life in the next that’s full of the rewards you weren’t aiming for in this. I call this the “Sit down, Shut up and everything will be ok” technique of Religion.

Thats a great thought for some, but just for a moment imagine that it ends up not being true. For a brief moment lose the ignorance and accept the possibility that it all might just be bollocks. Go on; asking questions and exploring their potential answers rather than just accepting the turds that have been fed to you is what rises you above the bovine masses.

Then you think that blowing yourself up for your religion is a fucking imbecilic act and by doing so, that’s it… it’s really just Game Over for you. No “Well Done, you killed a bus load of innocent people but you did in in My Name so join me in eternal happiness… you picked the right team after all!” from Allah, no Golden Handshake, no eternal life with the booze, hookers and blackjack you gave up in the name of your religion. Nothing. Just the blissful release of death after the shitty life you’ve led.

Anyway, I was listening to the brilliant Bill Hicks for the umpteenth time in the car and it got me thinking about a comment I made about women in a previous post. I was thinking how Fundamentalist Christians have some pretty stupid beliefs, like the planet is only 12,000 years old and that God is secretly fucking with us with dinosaur fossils, and with the theme of a joker God in mind, I’ve come up with the following theory on child birth, inspired be Fundamental Christian Beliefs.

Fundamentalist Christians believe the whole Adam and Eve story is the Gospel Truth, therefore it is my theory that God never intended child birth to be painful. A womans vagina was initially designed to work in the Reverse Snake Jaw Manner and the females hips were initially intended to unlock when delivering her “blessing” on the world, thus no pain and a mans only real worry, no afterbirth “slackness”. But as punishment for her Temptation, he punished women forever by making them forget about this talent, therefore the whole agony, blood, mucus and bowel evacuation of childbirth was “born”. And the dreaded “sausage down a back alley” scenario afterwards…

This theory would teach a lot of things to Fundamentalist Christians and I suggest it should be taught by them in Sunday School. Firstly, if you have a pain free childbirth and the kid just “slips out”, that’s not because you’re actually a slapper with a loose minge, you are actually a divine spirit and closer to God than most. Vice-versa, women who spend long periods in childbirth are actually being punished by God for their sins.

Secondly, fisting and the widening of the vagina should be encouraged and taught in Bible Classes. A Spiritual Quest of Vaginal Opening where women go on a course to learn techniques to bring them closer to God by being able to use SnakeJaw®, the copyrighted Fundamentalist Christian technique for easier childbirth. A level 3 SnakeJaw® Expert should have no problems with a watermelon and would be ready to progress to getting pregnant in the eyes of the church.

So as after they’ve learnt these techniques the phrase “BucketCunt” can’t be used, women are also encouraged to do a course of Vaginal Wall Strengthening Techniques. Asian women have been perfecting this technique for years with Ping Pong balls, but as they’re not Christians, they’re going to burn for all eternity anyway, tight labia or not.

Finally, because God is such a joker and loves a good laugh, every time a woman gives birth, He’s still actually wetting Himself whilst he watches. Therefore you should always be on your best behaviour and not swear during childbirth. If you do, you’re going straight to Hell, you sinner!

Crazy? Bigoted? Sexist? No way! It’s religion man, questioning religious theories is futile therefore entering this into the Pool of Religious Truths just becomes another jaded, disillusioned opinion that Fundamentalist Christians think is right, and no matter what evidence we have to the contrary, everyone else is wrong. Blind Faith… you can’t beat it!