delmorpha.com

Its Bank Holiday Monday and I have the joy of being the only dumbass who agreed to work so I’m alone on the helpdesk and being a shitty Bank Holiday Monday, we have guests on the only wireless site we support using the Internetz. Our main client helpdesk itself has been quiet… just one spaz who didn’t know sending a 20mb file via email wouldn’t be instantaneous when he clicked send and they’d already picked up the phone before thinking.

Anyway, we have a new breed of morons since taking on the Wireless support line for a major park in the South. They’re a group of people I call “the Arsehole Public”. Now the Arsehole Public are the mother fuckers that grate me the most as they have no respect for what you’re telling them at all, and being their own equipment that “works at home”, they somehow expect it to magically work on site without any problems at all. They’re the kind of cunts that will ask Phorenzik when buying a PC game “my PC is XP, is that good enough to run Crysis?”…

Most of the headaches we have at the moment involve Fucking Windows Vista and its bag of tricks we technically know as shite. Couple Vista with Norton Security Wank 2007 and you’ve got yourself a nightmare scenario.. you already know the person on the other end of the phone is an IT illiterate moron who will tell you blindly they “have no problems at home” without understanding the first thing about network topologies and security implementation.

From my experience with Vista, its a cunt to get onto an unencrypted network, no matter how hard you try. It will do it but its constantly looking for a “better” network, i.e. an encrypted one… you know, just in case in your retarded home network you have a digital epiphany and decide one day WPA is the way forward and change it without telling Vista.

It probably doesn’t want you analysing and translating the data its sending back to base, or the NSA mid flight. Probably.

Whatever the fuck it does, the MAC filtering and custom interface to get the MAC address for our Wireless solution on this site causes headaches for Cunts On Vista. They then call us and blame us, like its our fault they’re a fucktard.. like the cunt who called me 15 minutes ago.

I knew he was a cunt right away when the first thing he said was “my wireless has stopped working”. That was it. I was meant to diagnose his fucking fault there and then with no further input from his cunting mouth. If a punch could travel down a phoneline, I’dve *kablamo’ed* this cunt right out there and then. But you can’t, so I didn’t.

I took some details, explained to him that wireless might sound like a magic thing where you can be sat where the fuck you like but the signal not only has to penetrate the lodge he was staying in, but his signal returning packets of data also had to reach the antennas and that it’s his piece of shit laptop that isn’t powerful enough for the internet to work in the cupboard he’s called his “wanking closet”. I then got the Moron Number One response. “It works alright at home”.

I’ve had a stressful weekend and I snapped. It was a controlled snap but it was a snap none the less.

“Yes, but theres a big difference between home networking and supplying one wireless network to a 10 hectare site. You were probably sent a preconfigured router through the post from someone like Sky, right?”

An easy assumption to make, given the retarded statement previous he obviously is too stupid to configure a router himself.

“Yes I do have Sky broadband actually…”

I practically heard the cogs in his head ticking away trying to work out how I’d worked this out.

“Well that plugs straight in and you get a leaflet with the encryption key in, so it just works out the box. It’s not so simple here, we have potentially 1000 users on the network here with 16 antennas onsite providing a network connection. We have to authenticate each one of those users against a whitelist of MAC addresses which we obtain the first time you enter that password we gave you. Vista hates this network topology to begin with as its unsecure, a measure to increase the overall experience on the network on site but as Vista isn’t really ready for commercial use yet, we have no end of problems with people like you complaining because they can’t get onto the network in the same way they ‘do at home’. As we can’t really touch your network setup, in fear that you won’t be IT savvy enough to rectify it at home, we can’t do a lot to help you in most cases.”

I paused for breath but not long enough for him to respond.

“We also have to take into account your Laptop, which as we didn’t provide, we know nothing about. For all I know you could be loaded up to the nuts with Spyware, on an unpatched Windows box riddled with viruses and alike. This could be causing your slow internet connection, and sapping away the precious bandwidth from other network users who are smart enough to run Windows update. Or you could be running something like Norton Security which in itself limits the network traffic and access to the internet so it’s practically unusable.”

“I have Norton on my machine, could that be the problem?”

*kablamo 2* would’ve been right about now.

“YES!! Can you disable it, please, or better yet just uninstall the damn thing…”

I then had to hold his hand through getting rid of that shite. I’m not actually supposed to do that, but unsurprisingly, after I had, not only could his PC could get on the network he also said it “seemed faster”. Rather than explain to him he was a cunt and how I’d just handed him his digital ass, I just put the phone down. He didn’t ring back, the fucking fucktard.