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How Do,

As some of you may know of me, i’m a first aider in our workplace. Not a qualified doctor, not a paramedic, not even a nursey….just a first aider.

Though first aiders are trained in all aspects of ‘initial treatment’ from bandages and plasters right through to CPR, I very rarely get much interesting to do apart from the odd severed finger (please see previous post, a finger of fun…).

Anyhows, i’m going off track here, what I want to tell you is that I got sent on a course last week. Because i’m trained as a first aider I should have been sent on a 2 day refresher course but because my boss paints us all with the same brush, he thought I must be a spaz like the rest of my colleagues and sent me on the full, initial 4 day course for begginers.

Although I was pissed at the prospect of ‘re-learning’ I favoured the following points…

• 4 days out of the factory (paid) is much better than 2 days out of the factory (paid).

• I was getting petrol money for the journey to and from every day, even though the training centre is closer to my house than my actual workplace.

• I got to be a swot!! I fully remember pretty much the whole course from the first time around, so theres not going to be anything I didn’t know……

…..WRONG!

Though the basic bandages and shit were still white, still cheap and still the same to put on, which I excelled at while the security guard I was paired up with for the week kept dropping his then running after it while it unraveled along the floor like a fucking andrex puppy with a pissing labotomy, the main bit- the important bit- the lifesaving bit- the CPR (mouth to mouth and chest compressions for some fucker who’s not breathing incase you don’t watch casualty) has changed!!

It used to be “3 rescue breaths into the mouth, then 15 chest compressions, then 3 rescue breaths into the mouth, then 15…etc”

We all sat on the floor with our rubber, ‘dead’ dolls and the retired biddy nurse taking the course (who looked like she needed some urgent fucking medical attention) said

“Now who has read their books and knows what ratio of rescue breaths to chest compressions we give?….” looking around like a smug Aunt Fucking Bessie

Books? Books? Phhht….I’ve been here and got the T-Shirt love. I’ve put fucking plasters on cuts, me. I have washed countless bits of shit out of my mentally handicapped colleagues eyes. I wiped my arse on the book after my morning shit this morning, Pensioner love, because I know everything about first aid..

So Florence Knightingale here puts his hand up…..and made a proper cunt of himself!

“Yeah, it’s 3 rescue breaths to 15 chest…”

Mother Theresa stopped me mid-sentence, “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!”

“Ya fuckin’ what?” I replied, almost like I had just recieved an ASBO.

“It is NOT 3 rescue breaths to 15 compressions, it’s….”

She looked around the room at the rest of the people sat at her feet and lifted her arms like a mass hypnotist. The entire room (apart from me who was red as fuck after my chav-like outburst) all chanted like Fucking schoolkids “2 reessccuuee bbrreeaatthhss ffoorr eevveerryy tthhiirrttyy cchheesstt ccoommpprreessiioonnss”

That wasn’t a typing error, they just all said it in unison but dragged it out like kids in a classroom say “ggoooodd mmoorrnniinngg mmrrss ssmmiitthh”

This made me feel even more shite. I was the one trained first aider on this course and the rest of the shit for brains knew more than me!

So, I took a deep breath and politely questioned, “I thought it was 3 to 15?”

Biddy nurse replied “It used to be but they changed it 3 years ago…it’s more effective this way.” And smiled as if she were the fucking fountain of knowledge itself.

I then questioned again, “I’m sorry but if this is the way we are trained to save a life, don’t you think it would have been a better idea to try and get it right the first time? It seems like something you don’t want to try experimenting with too many times…”

HA HA!! One all!!

“W e really don’t have time to discuss past failings! If you notice on your dolls in front of you…..”

And it was over. I think i’ll try and swot up the next time I think I know more than everyone else. As it happened, I passed the course nice and easy so I couldn’t give a shit now.

Biddy Theresa got one more kick in the dentures, however, when she spoke to a wood worker (who wasn’t unlike Lenny from ‘of mice and men’ ie- a retard)  in the ‘wrong tone of voice’ on the last day and he started crying, put his coat on and walked out. This had never happened to her in her years of training and, subsequently, she lost the St John Ambulance a lump sum of government funding for failing to pass a pupil.

(I’m gonna call that 2-1 up! - cheers Stuart)

I hope she dies soon!

Keep bleeding same-heads, Horseys got the plasters!!

Till next time peeps,

H.