delmorpha.com

Not to break the habit of a lifetime, this weekend I found myself once again nursing a hangover. This time however, I was still puking at 6pm the following day, so the Saturday night was a bit of a monster.

I’ve been on call this weekend and the phone was non stop up to about 3pm. Some weekends its easy money, others its actually work, and after the events and fun of last week, Saturday was not what I was in need of. As you can see from my gamer card, I got up with the phone at 9am, sorted a few calls to boot the all new Blue Dragon, to then leave my Xbox on for the next 6 hours, not to even get a chance to play it.

Anyway, the phone went quiet and seeing my opportunity to “clock off early”, I packed my laptop up just in case and headed round to my mates daughters 1st birthday party. Arriving to an already inebriated household, I was playing catchup from the get-go. After the shitty week previous I was out to get slaughtered and the speed I was knocking them back at, it’s no surprising how much of a mess I was on Sunday. Even my mate Jonny mentioned how fast I was drinking, and he’s a hardened alcoholic.

Well, my drunken shenanigans are not the point of this post, but are related to the title in some way. You see, according to some crazy lady with a perm, I’m deaf AND dumb.

Now before you think you’ve misread the poster, this is indeed Delmorpha and not Horse. I’m not quite as used to the insane situations he finds himself, but rather than be shocked, I rolled with the situation and turned it around for maximum embarrassment for the 80s wannabe.

So people are partying away as the do and I’m minding my own business in the kitchen with a beer talking to a friend when Pat Sharpe comes through the back door. Now I’m stood where any self respecting party goes stands; as close to the fucking alcohol as you can and I would have to move if someone wanted a drink. Well I get this look of “move”, a grunt and an arm gesture, but no actual words. Manners cost nothing and I wasn’t going to move for that. She repeats the action when me and my friend look at each other and laugh, shaking our heads at each other.

“Do you actually want something?”

I ask… to my horror I got the following response:

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were deaf and dumb”.

No word of a lie. No jokes. She was deadly fucking serious. She actually thought I was deaf and dumb…

“What???”

“Sorry, I thought you were deaf and dumb”

“Even if I was, which I’m fucking not, how was that a polite way to ask anyone to move?!”

“…I guess it wasn’t…”

“Then you can whistle for a drink, go on… fuck off!”

So that was it, for the rest of the night any time she was in ear shot people were talking in the mono-tonal nasal tone deaf people talk in. She was more embarrassed than I was in the end, my abuse after the incident and then the piss taking by everyone else at the party for her obvious stupidity made her feel very small indeed. There was a lot more abuse, trust me, but the details are a little hazy! Stupid beer…

So, there we have it… your host, Delmorpha.. he’s deaf and dumb… apparently!