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I felt like a bit of a PostCunt on Thursday morning… I went back into work after my “2 day holiday” and like the PostCunts, I had it all waiting for me to get on with upon my return so having a glorified holiday was kind of futile. Anyway, unlike the PostCunts, we are shortmanned at the moment with other people having actual holidays so it was somewhat understandable. It still pissed me off when I’m in constant need of the bog and I’m the one sent on the road, and to add insult to injury, I’m still on site at 5:30pm and its a 2 hour drive home.

I digress. Anyway, I’m on-site to sort out a few new PCs etc etc and I’m heading up the stairs to be met half way by what can only be described as a Fucking Fat Gozilla Mother Fucker. This was a scenario reminiscent of a country lane.. I’m bobbing down the road quite happily in my average size car when out of the blue some fucking arrogant cunt comes flying down in a Hummer. But not just any Hummer… this is the monster truck version of a Hummer with a beefcake body kit on it! Obviously the Fat Cunt isn’t for moving so your only solution is to back up yourself… and again, reminiscent of an arrogant big car driver, there was no “Thanks”.

So, no doubt I was already pissed off with the Lardie Cunt, to later find I’m in their office sorting something out for them whilst they have their dinner. And theres Fifty Chins sat at her two desks in her special chair (seriously) eating her lunch. What was it for someone so obviously clinically obese? Rice Crackers? A salad? Maybe even a treat of a Pasta Bowl with Light Mayo once in a blue moon?

No.. no it wasn’t.. it was the biggest bacon baton I’ve ever seen in my life. To your immediate left is an example of something we have very rarely at the office, usually with a hangover or I’ve not eaten in three days. Its a Taylors Bakery Chicken and Bacon Baton and is a heart attack waiting to happen. I was saving that image for a post entitled “You call THAT a sandwich?? Now THIS is a sandwich!” but given the size of the thing Cankles was eating, I needed to put it into perspective! It made my usual Taylors order look like I was the pussy that orders a 6″ Subway and still leaves half…

And shes going to town on this bad boy like a Hookers Blow Job. Similarly theres no passion at all, she’s just getting the job done. But wait… in between breaths for air shes taking slabs of pig death and pulling the crispy fat off!!! Seriously.. she was pulling the fucking fat off the biggest bacon sandwich in the world and putting them in a napkin like it was going to help her cholesterol. I felt peoples eyes looking at me, awaiting the obviously immediate comment as my bottom lip starts pulsating, as it often does.

This Monolith of Human Consumption must weigh 30 stone easily and shes concerned about eating the smallest bits of gristle.. I had to say something…

‘Taking the fat off isn’t going to help you love, you fucking fat cunt…’

Thats what I was fucking thinking. And I almost said it but I pussied out. I mean her fists were bigger than my head and whilst I’m sure I could outrun her (just), I’m on site quite a lot and an unsuspecting *kablamo* from her would undoubtably kill me. What I said instead was:

‘Man that looks good… where did you get it??’

At this point I’m regretting not saying what I was actually thinking because she’s quite obviously rude from our previous encounter and I’m about to get coated with the food that’s in the cesspool of a mouth.

‘gnfrm Jgnnnrys umn dtt bridge’

Bridge was the only word that came out as it should and now there’s a chewed pig and bread mixture on the desk amidst the spit and other AIDS from her mouth. I left it at that… no sandwich is worth another coating in spit.

Notes to self: 1. Don’t speak to fat people with food in their mouth…. and 2. If I want suicide by an Ingested Heart Attack, go to gnfrm Jgnnnrys umn dtt bridge

She goes back to the trough the so-called sandwich is served in and I’m left wondering if all their sandwiches are that big, or whether the owner caters especially for her and is secretly trying to kill her. Either way I reckon the fat bitch can’t have much life left in her…