delmorpha.com

In February of this year I was fired on the first day of my employment with a company in London developing something called TV2, effectively Broadband TV Gameshows that could be played for fun or prizes, and everything looked good as they had some major corporate backing from some of the bigger ITV game shows. I wasn’t fired for being a massive cunt either, like you might expect, I was fired for not showing up on the first day due to a family crisis and could not make the journey to London on the Sunday, requiring a few extra days to arrange my relocation; not a massive request you might think, especially with the week they’d given me to “up sticks”. I wrote a blog about it, posting the email response I got with my termination in February, modifying their rather phallus like logo into a rightful Cock and Balls.

In any case, whilst sifting through my usual job results, crap special offers and other bullshit I have to delete on a daily basis and I spot an email from The Cock and Balls Project. I wondered what the fuck those cunts wanted and had to say in an email entitled Cock and Balls Project Recruitment. I opened it up with baited breath…

Dear David,

My name is Herman Goering and I am Head of Recruitment at the Cock and Balls Project. I
recently came across your CV on Monster.co.uk.

The Cock and Balls Project is the company behind WeDigCocks, the world’s first “Cocks2″
Network. We are a multi award winning leader in the development and
commercial exploitation of broadband entertainment.

Our team is made up of the cream of video game industry talent who, not
content with life in the console industry, have traded in their years of
experience for a role within a dynamic and exciting firm where their
skills are enjoyed by millions of viewers each and everyday.

Based in the heart of London’s Soho we have a relaxed and yet explosive
office with no dress policy and in a good location for shops, bars,
clubs and restaurants.

We currently have a position available for “Broadband Entertainment
Software Developer”.

Our corporate website is www.CockandBallsproject.com where you will find the above
position listed in the Recruitment section. To view our “Cocks2″ Network
please visit www.wedigcocks.com. We currently have a selection of
interactive shows that you can enjoy and we are currently expanding our
horizons to meet a global audience.

It would be great if you could look at the two websites to see if we
would be of interest to you as a potential employer and then give me
some feedback one way or the other.

Please be assured of my best attention should you require any further
information about us in the meantime, and I look forward to hearing form
you.

Kind Regards,
Herman Goering

I could’ve just wrote “Go fuck your own arseholes you bunch of cunts” and this would’ve been a more than fair response but I chose a more eloquent reply.

Herman,

You sacked me from this role on the very first day of my appointment as family trouble meant I could not get to London on the Sunday prior to starting, and even though my many attempts at contact were in vain, my “unannounced” no show sent “shockwaves” through your board of directors. Even if I was interested in the position still, which I most definitely am not, I hardly think it would go down too well if you suggested rehiring me as I was obviously the best candidate at the time. My second choice has quite obviously had a short tenure suggesting your non-compassion as a company was actually a blessing in disguise!

It would be great if you could have a look at my website at http://delmorpha.com/the-cock-and-balls-project.htm and let me know what you think of me being a potential employee and give me some feedback in one way or another.

Regards,
David

I’m yet to receive a response…

This is a follow up to my No Smoking article as I’ve just read this website and it pissed me off… I found the pensioner twats article before I read and closed this tab and when I did spot it, it made my piss boil…

Apparently “20s Plenty” according to these “protesters”…

By protesters it means Mums with pushchairs, pensioners, transport activists and children, and by Mums with pushchairs, pensioners, transport activists and children I mean shit stains whose opinions don’t really matter.

What do a bunch of kids in London know about speeding… Nothing, thats what… nothing at all.

Kids are thick and fucking annoying at the best of times, but when they get hopped up and opinionated about things they know fuck all about, I want to get a sledge hammer and start pounding the bollocks of the parent who produced them, just so they have no further chance of entering anything into the gene pool, then give the little fucker the look I used to give kids in Wonderland like the next thing I’m going to do is rip their arms off. That soon calmed them down..

When I was a kid, I probably thought 20 miles an hour was fast too. Just like I thought The Little Dipper was scary and the local sand dunes were enormous. You know why? Because I was half the size of everyone else and had no sense of real proportions. That and I was an idiot kid.

Mums in pushchairs.. instead of whining about the speed limit, why don’t you try getting a job and shutting your fucking mouths. If you did, you might realise that people going to work are in a rush to get there, and that the douchebag doing 20 mph is the one every other motorist is screaming at to get out of the damn way.

Pensioners, same reasoning… you’re that cunt doing 20mph in the first place.. every other motorist wants your coffin dodging ass off the road at the best of times so you too can shut the fuck up.

And finally, “transport activists”, and by this they mean those Green bastards that want us all to use public transport, ride our bikes and walk more.. *shakes fist furiously*.. you people don’t have a fucking clue, do you?

Not everyone wants to Save the Planet. Most people want to go to work as quickly as possible, comfortable, without having to sit next to the likes of you, the tramp that stinks of piss and Special Brew or the old woman with scabs on her face ( Bow chika Bow wow! ) on a crappy old bus that takes an extra 60 minutes each way. I want to get to work relaxed, ready to face the shit this Rat Race brings, and the idiots in it. I then want to get home and sit in front of whatever high energy using device I feel like and kill things, because if I wasn’t, I’d probably be hunting cock lords like you down and cleaning up the gene pool. Just be grateful I have things to distract me, and a Thorazine drip plugged in at the moments I’m not blogging…

£400,000 buys a lot of cool shit around the world, but apparently it’s lost all value in the UK.

I read an interesting article the other day about how people are now outsourcing minor computing jobs out to Eastern Europe, India and the Far East.. things like family video editing, relocation cards and personal websites, as someone in Delhi will quite happily knock you up a nice looking blog for a few pence give or take. I have to ask whether someone has done exactly that with this logo and pocketed £400,000 because quite simply put, its fucking shit…

Honestly, its worse than the first example in a “101 in Illustrator” class and if this is supposed to be some kind of joke, I certainly ain’t laughing. This is the work of a professional designers called Wolff Olins and quite frankly for £400,000 of tax payers money I’d be expecting a little more thought and design for that.

I wouldn’t mind but apparently it took 12 months to come up with! Read again… 12 months… thats not minutes, seconds or even nanoseconds… thats one fucking year and this is the best they could come up with?! Someones having a tin bath I think…

Seriously… its not even a clean design… its a vector tool of some “edgy” writing a child may as well have done. The font for London is retarded and the colour scheme is so 1990s its not even funny. I don’t want to watch the Olympics, I want to by a shell suit and go get a perm…

This is one more case of corporate backhanders and someone got a rather nice Ferrari out of it… and the Londons bid for the Olympics, well thats even more of a laughing stock than it already was…

Well London has now 100% fallen through… what a shit load of fuck! It has been one thing after another really and in some respects Im glad it has. They showed as much compassion as Adolf Hitler with a bus load of Jews holding a firebomb to my sob story of why I couldnt make it for my first day and needed some extra time to you know, relocate to the shithole that is London.

He is my sob story:

Dear Adolf,

Well it really has been a weekend of despair and madness, and of plans changing and changing again. Essentially I have been let down by both my places to stay in the London area and in turn, am not going to be able to start without a little help/after a few days of house hunting.

Having only let me know yesterday that my family can no longer put me up, my friend in Northampton let me know he will be away on business for a week, I have been frantically searching for a viable solution all day.

If I had money to burn I would’ve quite simply drove down this afternoon and found a short term B&B until I could find a decent place to rent, but knowing i will undoubtedly need every penny I have for a deposit etc I did not feel this was a great solution. Knowing nothing of London I do not know what areas are good, and what are not, and I would really like to get a thumbs up before jumping into something, even in the short term.

So I’m left with a dilemma, no place to stay and am open to suggestions! I really will need to be in the area to look for a flat, but at the same time I can’t afford to be traveling back and forth to view properties. I really am drawing blanks when it comes to London now as its so expensive, and although Ill be ok once I have a place sorted in the right area, if Im not able to preview anything before hand, or discuss with people experienced in the area (i.e. people at work!) Im a bit lost!

Which leads me to ask for some advice in this scenario. I want to get down as soon as possible but Im a little inexperienced when it comes to renting/relocating and am just out of ideas! I need something cheap and short term, and don’t mind traveling a bit to get in within reason. I hate to have to bring this on you, but I really don’t know what else to do.

I seem to recall you mentioning you are not in tomorrow so I will call to confirm the theme of this email with the number I have, and I’ll hope to hear from you soon. I will do my uttermost to minimise the amount of time it takes to find somewhere to stay.

Kind Regards,
David Brown

Not too weak, not too anything other than you’ve given me a week to relocate to London, plans have changed and are out of my control. This was sent on Sunday night, when I knew there would be no way of me making it.

On Monday I contacted them and spoke to probably the rudest man I have ever had the displeasure of speaking to, their MD.. a supposed Upper Echelon of their team, but he was nothing other than a giant vagina with sand in. Three of the comments that left me with a severely bad taste in my mouth included “We are not a Housing Agent”, “I don’t see how where you live is in any way our problem” and “We have set up a computer for you, that was a complete waste of time”.

To which he left the conversation by telling me Adolf would be in touch and left me know what is going to happen. I immediately contacted my recruiters to let them know what this giant douche had said.

Low and behold, today at about 12pm I got an email off Adolf to let me know the following:

David,

Your unannounced no-show on your first day of employment has sent ripples through the management here at the Cock and Balls Project. This has not only disrupted schedules but also wasted time as various people have been making preparations. This firm has now lost faith in your relationship with us.

Unfortunately, due to the gravity of this situation, we are withdrawing our offer of employment at The Cock and Balls Project. We feel that this is the best route for the both of us.

We wish you all the best for your future.

Best,
Adolf H.

As Paul pointed out, this was a reply to the previous email… doesnt take a genius to realise my no show wasn’t in any way shape or form unannounced! His “ripples through management” comment is pure class… it makes my joining their team sound like a world shattering event, and by not doing so I may have caused the Earth to implode!

So I’m back to the drawing board on the job front… not the best news Ive ever shared but its probably (definately) for the best. Which now leaves me with this…

London; the city of dreams.. a place of big business, high flying jobs, vibrant city life and brilliant prospects. What a load of bollocks!

Just getting to the place is an absolute joke! Ive been pricing up the train (thinking about the environment and all..) and its an hour journey from Northampton to Londons Euston Road so logic would suggest that a train would be cheaper than owning a car and driving that distance… and you know what, you’d be dead wrong!!

My good friend James lives in Northampton you see, and rather than jump into any old shithole (as Im sure there are many in London) I asked him if I could stay with him until I find Amy and I a nice 1 bedroom apartment that wont involve me having to subsidise my salary by giving handjobs on the subway to afford. I know it will be a ballache but as its short term (and half the time I spent on the road getting to and from Leeds) I know I can cope.

But the sheer expense of the train journey is shocking. I emailed Silverlink yesterday to inquire to the pricing of a pass for the “season” which range from week passes to a full year and here was the response…

Thank you for your enquiry,
Season Tickets between Northampton and London Terminals (for Euston) will cost £92.70 for one week, £356.00 for one month, £1068.00 for three months and £3708.00 for one year. You can purchase your season ticket online, or at any staffed mainline station. To purchase a season ticket, you must have a photocard. These can be obtained from any mainline station, by taking along a passport size photograph.

regards
Barry Cochrane
Season Ticket Helpdesk

£92.70 for a week?!?!?!?!? What in the living piss is that about?!

I knew London was expensive, but I assumed the transport to it would be relatively cheap.. you know, to encourage people to visit the capital! A weeks railpass for the whole of the Japanese rail system is about the same as that, and I can travel the length of Japan on that!!! This is extortion of the highest degree..

So… why is the UK promoting the use of public transport when it is far cheaper for me to own and drive a car that distance (maybe not into London thanks to congestion charging, but Im talking about distance wise)?? Diesel, even by UK standards would be a maximum of £5-7 a day, plus car insurance, the car, maintenance etc so why in the hell is a train that holds hundreds of people going to cost £19.85 a day?!

Not to even mention the overall inconvenience of trains… I mean UK trains are dirty, smelly, full of chavs and terrorists, and the winner of all, always (and I mean always) delayed/cancelled/late. The UK has some of the worst public transport in the world… why oh why is it the most expensive. I have to walk to the train station in the morning (the UK is hardly Spain or Italy where this might actually be pleasant at 7:30am… and its probably 15 minutes) and then from Euston Road I can get the subway for 4 stops (more expense) or walk approximately 20 minutes to Regent Street… fuck the environment, give me my nice, comfortable, cheaper car any day of the week.

I died a little more inside today… this country… i mean jeez!