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So I landed in Calgary on Friday PM to be meeted and greeted by Mike, which was amazing to see him for the first time in nearly 12 months. We’re waiting around for his housemates to pick us up and I’m introduced to the wonderment that is Tim Hortons coffee. Mike had said many times about how great it was when we were in Korea and it really was a refreshingly good cup of coffee.

Being Friday night we picked up some beers and settled in back at his place with some hockey (this is Canada after all), some beers, a pitcher of a Bloody Mary made with Clamato Juice called something I can’t quite remember and a shot of Rye before bed!

I’m awake at 6am in any case and after watching TV for a few hours everyone is up and ready to head out on our road trip. We were heading up to British Columbia to see one of Mikes friends new baby, and using it as a good excuse to drive through the Rocky Mountains.

The trip was dramatic and breath taking throughout; the sheer mountain faces were far more extreme than anything I have ever seen before. I was surprised at the lack of barriers on the roads in some areas given the drop on the other side, but it was probably just my anxiety attacks and paranoia kicking in for the most part.

Eight hours and several funky stops later (see The Last Spike and The Enchanted Forest pictures in the images section) later we land in British Columbia; Kamloops to be precise… and don’t forget the Tournament Capital of Canada part. Seriously… they had an enormous plaque honouring its title and this became the rolling joke throughout the whole of our stay there.

So we meet up with Mikes friend Sebastien who takes us to the renovated house were staying at, only for him to have forgotten to mention it has no running water or no toilet. It also used to be a crack den (seriously) and had a plank of wood nailed across the back door instead of a lock. Two words escaped our mouths; Fuck That! We hit up a Motel instead, probably the wisest $300 we spent on the trip!

The next day we headed over to Sebastian’s house and tried to find something that was still open to do in The Tournament Capital and of the list of things on the Tourism Kamloops website, a trip to The Centre of the Universe seemed like the obvious choice… I mean how can you pass up that opportunity when you’re 4500 miles from home!?

A phone call later and we find that there’s a $10 a head cover charge to visit and reading the website there isn’t a sign for us to take pictures next to. Still, this is the Centre Of The Universe, how can it fail to be awesome??

An hour or so later the 8 people and a baby, 2 cars are approaching Dead Mans Valley and to me it feels like exactly that. We had 50km to go of narrow winding roads on the edge of mountainous terrain, in between Native housing. The whole build up felt like something out of The Blair Witch Project or Texas Chainsaw Massacre, not helping my already fragile and anxiety-ridden head. We passed a Christian graveyard of stick crosses which was probably the point at which I snapped and began to freak out.

To most Canadians, this was probably a little too stereotypical for anything bad to happen, but baring in mind everything I have been led to believe is plausible in movies and being so far from home, it was just a little much. The journey along the trail was intense enough, but passing by huts with deer antlers nailed to them like trophies, through a creepy ass forest and mountain trail was sending me down a pretty dark spiral. We even hit a patch of fallen stones that pounded the bottom of the minivan, just like what would normally puncture the fuel tank!

After the longest 50km drive I’ve ever been on in my life we arrive at a Y in the road, with a sign in red paint hand written the word “resort” going down and a hill to the right. For all intent and purposes, it could’ve been written “rEsoRt” with a backwards R and in something looking suspiciously like blood. As we take a left into the resort a pickup truck comes storming down the right path and continues in the direction we’d come from.

We pull up to a wire fence and the resort looked particularly un-resorty… well, certainly by my First World standards but this is supposed to be nature after all. Sebastian and BJ get out the van, and again reminiscent of a bad horror movie they start shouting “Helllllloooo” as a couple of dogs appear barking like mad. “This is it…” I thought “..I’m about to die”.

A woman appeared from the house on top of the hill, who fortunately had good North American teeth welcoming us. Had she have had anything less, I think I’dve been done in Canada right there! She explained a bit about the Centre of the Universe and told us where that, and the waterfalls were. We weren’t allowed in the gold mine as it was too dangerous to go alone and her husband I guess wasn’t around. The best bit? She gave us an discount to view The Centre of the Universe at $60 for the 8 of us instead of $80. I mean how excellent is that?!

So we drive up the other path, round the S bends like she said to the barbed wire fence. The paths lead into forest and a hut, and to the view on the left from The Centre of The Universe. As far as views go, it was pretty impressive; $60 impressive? Probably not, but it was pretty tranquil and relaxing up there. Having stood on top of Ska Fell for free after an exhilarating hike through non-horror movie terrain though, this certainly felt like we’d been conned!

The overall experience of The Centre of the Universe was a massive letdown given the cost in mental fatigue, petrol for a 400km round trip and the awesome $60 discounted price for the 8 of us. Even the Amazing Waterfall 3km away was a suckfest, given the one I had seen on our way through the Rocky Mountains at Crazy Creek. Thankfully, the journey back through the Rocky Mountains was even more breathtaking than the journey there, making up for things.

So… you want to see The Centre of the Universe without paying $10 a head for the privilege?? Ok, ok… here it is:

What? You look almost disappointed…

As Amy said to me… “WTF… is that not just a rock with money on??”… and to which I responded “Thats EXACTLY what it is!”. Hey ho… maybe it’s supposed to be symbolic!