delmorpha.com

Its Bank Holiday Monday and I have the joy of being the only dumbass who agreed to work so I’m alone on the helpdesk and being a shitty Bank Holiday Monday, we have guests on the only wireless site we support using the Internetz. Our main client helpdesk itself has been quiet… just one spaz who didn’t know sending a 20mb file via email wouldn’t be instantaneous when he clicked send and they’d already picked up the phone before thinking.

Anyway, we have a new breed of morons since taking on the Wireless support line for a major park in the South. They’re a group of people I call “the Arsehole Public”. Now the Arsehole Public are the mother fuckers that grate me the most as they have no respect for what you’re telling them at all, and being their own equipment that “works at home”, they somehow expect it to magically work on site without any problems at all. They’re the kind of cunts that will ask Phorenzik when buying a PC game “my PC is XP, is that good enough to run Crysis?”…

Most of the headaches we have at the moment involve Fucking Windows Vista and its bag of tricks we technically know as shite. Couple Vista with Norton Security Wank 2007 and you’ve got yourself a nightmare scenario.. you already know the person on the other end of the phone is an IT illiterate moron who will tell you blindly they “have no problems at home” without understanding the first thing about network topologies and security implementation.

From my experience with Vista, its a cunt to get onto an unencrypted network, no matter how hard you try. It will do it but its constantly looking for a “better” network, i.e. an encrypted one… you know, just in case in your retarded home network you have a digital epiphany and decide one day WPA is the way forward and change it without telling Vista.

It probably doesn’t want you analysing and translating the data its sending back to base, or the NSA mid flight. Probably.

Whatever the fuck it does, the MAC filtering and custom interface to get the MAC address for our Wireless solution on this site causes headaches for Cunts On Vista. They then call us and blame us, like its our fault they’re a fucktard.. like the cunt who called me 15 minutes ago.

I knew he was a cunt right away when the first thing he said was “my wireless has stopped working”. That was it. I was meant to diagnose his fucking fault there and then with no further input from his cunting mouth. If a punch could travel down a phoneline, I’dve *kablamo’ed* this cunt right out there and then. But you can’t, so I didn’t.

I took some details, explained to him that wireless might sound like a magic thing where you can be sat where the fuck you like but the signal not only has to penetrate the lodge he was staying in, but his signal returning packets of data also had to reach the antennas and that it’s his piece of shit laptop that isn’t powerful enough for the internet to work in the cupboard he’s called his “wanking closet”. I then got the Moron Number One response. “It works alright at home”.

I’ve had a stressful weekend and I snapped. It was a controlled snap but it was a snap none the less.

“Yes, but theres a big difference between home networking and supplying one wireless network to a 10 hectare site. You were probably sent a preconfigured router through the post from someone like Sky, right?”

An easy assumption to make, given the retarded statement previous he obviously is too stupid to configure a router himself.

“Yes I do have Sky broadband actually…”

I practically heard the cogs in his head ticking away trying to work out how I’d worked this out.

“Well that plugs straight in and you get a leaflet with the encryption key in, so it just works out the box. It’s not so simple here, we have potentially 1000 users on the network here with 16 antennas onsite providing a network connection. We have to authenticate each one of those users against a whitelist of MAC addresses which we obtain the first time you enter that password we gave you. Vista hates this network topology to begin with as its unsecure, a measure to increase the overall experience on the network on site but as Vista isn’t really ready for commercial use yet, we have no end of problems with people like you complaining because they can’t get onto the network in the same way they ‘do at home’. As we can’t really touch your network setup, in fear that you won’t be IT savvy enough to rectify it at home, we can’t do a lot to help you in most cases.”

I paused for breath but not long enough for him to respond.

“We also have to take into account your Laptop, which as we didn’t provide, we know nothing about. For all I know you could be loaded up to the nuts with Spyware, on an unpatched Windows box riddled with viruses and alike. This could be causing your slow internet connection, and sapping away the precious bandwidth from other network users who are smart enough to run Windows update. Or you could be running something like Norton Security which in itself limits the network traffic and access to the internet so it’s practically unusable.”

“I have Norton on my machine, could that be the problem?”

*kablamo 2* would’ve been right about now.

“YES!! Can you disable it, please, or better yet just uninstall the damn thing…”

I then had to hold his hand through getting rid of that shite. I’m not actually supposed to do that, but unsurprisingly, after I had, not only could his PC could get on the network he also said it “seemed faster”. Rather than explain to him he was a cunt and how I’d just handed him his digital ass, I just put the phone down. He didn’t ring back, the fucking fucktard.

I felt like a bit of a PostCunt on Thursday morning… I went back into work after my “2 day holiday” and like the PostCunts, I had it all waiting for me to get on with upon my return so having a glorified holiday was kind of futile. Anyway, unlike the PostCunts, we are shortmanned at the moment with other people having actual holidays so it was somewhat understandable. It still pissed me off when I’m in constant need of the bog and I’m the one sent on the road, and to add insult to injury, I’m still on site at 5:30pm and its a 2 hour drive home.

I digress. Anyway, I’m on-site to sort out a few new PCs etc etc and I’m heading up the stairs to be met half way by what can only be described as a Fucking Fat Gozilla Mother Fucker. This was a scenario reminiscent of a country lane.. I’m bobbing down the road quite happily in my average size car when out of the blue some fucking arrogant cunt comes flying down in a Hummer. But not just any Hummer… this is the monster truck version of a Hummer with a beefcake body kit on it! Obviously the Fat Cunt isn’t for moving so your only solution is to back up yourself… and again, reminiscent of an arrogant big car driver, there was no “Thanks”.

So, no doubt I was already pissed off with the Lardie Cunt, to later find I’m in their office sorting something out for them whilst they have their dinner. And theres Fifty Chins sat at her two desks in her special chair (seriously) eating her lunch. What was it for someone so obviously clinically obese? Rice Crackers? A salad? Maybe even a treat of a Pasta Bowl with Light Mayo once in a blue moon?

No.. no it wasn’t.. it was the biggest bacon baton I’ve ever seen in my life. To your immediate left is an example of something we have very rarely at the office, usually with a hangover or I’ve not eaten in three days. Its a Taylors Bakery Chicken and Bacon Baton and is a heart attack waiting to happen. I was saving that image for a post entitled “You call THAT a sandwich?? Now THIS is a sandwich!” but given the size of the thing Cankles was eating, I needed to put it into perspective! It made my usual Taylors order look like I was the pussy that orders a 6″ Subway and still leaves half…

And shes going to town on this bad boy like a Hookers Blow Job. Similarly theres no passion at all, she’s just getting the job done. But wait… in between breaths for air shes taking slabs of pig death and pulling the crispy fat off!!! Seriously.. she was pulling the fucking fat off the biggest bacon sandwich in the world and putting them in a napkin like it was going to help her cholesterol. I felt peoples eyes looking at me, awaiting the obviously immediate comment as my bottom lip starts pulsating, as it often does.

This Monolith of Human Consumption must weigh 30 stone easily and shes concerned about eating the smallest bits of gristle.. I had to say something…

‘Taking the fat off isn’t going to help you love, you fucking fat cunt…’

Thats what I was fucking thinking. And I almost said it but I pussied out. I mean her fists were bigger than my head and whilst I’m sure I could outrun her (just), I’m on site quite a lot and an unsuspecting *kablamo* from her would undoubtably kill me. What I said instead was:

‘Man that looks good… where did you get it??’

At this point I’m regretting not saying what I was actually thinking because she’s quite obviously rude from our previous encounter and I’m about to get coated with the food that’s in the cesspool of a mouth.

‘gnfrm Jgnnnrys umn dtt bridge’

Bridge was the only word that came out as it should and now there’s a chewed pig and bread mixture on the desk amidst the spit and other AIDS from her mouth. I left it at that… no sandwich is worth another coating in spit.

Notes to self: 1. Don’t speak to fat people with food in their mouth…. and 2. If I want suicide by an Ingested Heart Attack, go to gnfrm Jgnnnrys umn dtt bridge

She goes back to the trough the so-called sandwich is served in and I’m left wondering if all their sandwiches are that big, or whether the owner caters especially for her and is secretly trying to kill her. Either way I reckon the fat bitch can’t have much life left in her…

Anyone whose read this blog more than once will know I’ve got more than a small problem with the radio. It’s like a direct tap to the hatred I have for the Bovine Masses… all I have to do to fill this is turn it on. This is the reason I very rarely listen to it when I can help it… I’m sure you’ll agree, most of the time I’m angry enough.

On a side note, I remember this one time I took my car into the garage and the grease monkey pointed out that my radio didn’t work. I drive an imported FTO just in case you cared, and Japan operates radio on a different frequency to the UK so my radio can only pick up static; a blessing in disguise you might say. Anyway, he offered to sort it out for me for free and I told him quite flatly not to bother. He looked hurt and confused, his facial expression suggested his peon brain couldn’t work out why someone wouldn’t want to be able to listen to the mindwashing air pollution that is radio. I just told him I have a 10 CD MP3 changer in the boot and I never listen to the radio anyway so it wasn’t worth his effort, but I appreciated the gesture. Prick.

No less than 30 minutes ago was a prime example why I don’t listen to the radio. Works van had just been fixed and we had to go collect it. It’s a shed on wheels and I fucking hate driving it, but needs must and all that shite. Normally I would just turn the radio off but without thinking I pulled the van out and headed back to base. I then got sucked in by some caller cunt on the radio and had to listen, if only for something to write about.

“Hi you’re through to Century FM, you’re live on the air”
“Can I just say a big I Love You to my fiancée Alison”

Already I can feel my piss boiling…

“Are you in the bad books or something?”

A fair point I felt… maybe this guy is just a pussy whipped faggot and his girlfriend is a 23 stone rotter but he stays with her because it’s either fuck a fat munter or fuck the dog, and he’s already on his second strike for that.

“No, no.. I just wanted to tell her I love her. I recently proposed on the plane on the way t’Eygpt and we got free champagne and everything”
“Was she surprised?”
“Yeah, she only thought I was going to the toilet. I did it on the tanoy and the whole plane cheered”

Firstly, if I was on that flight, the whole fucking plane wouldn’t have cheered. Id’ve been getting out of my seat running straight for the tanoy wire and wrapping it around his scrawny cunt of a neck. As a finale I’d be shoving the receiver so far down his oesophagus the next time he shits the whole fucking plane would hear that too.

Are there men in this world so blinded by pussy they’ll pull shit like this just to keep themselves in the good books? That a rhetorical question as I know the fucking answer is yes. If you’re already having to keep in the good books before you’re married, you’re with the wrong woman… she’s already rubbing her hands together seeing you for the fucktard sap you are. It’s even sadder when guys actually think this will improve after their married too… if you’re too dumb to realise this, you deserve to lose half of everything when she takes you to the cleaners…

The trouble is some men are desperate enough to try and pull stunts like this because they think its the way to a womans heart and they appreciate it. Trust me, the goodwill gestures have a relative half life of seaborgium in a womans mind… which is amazing when they can remember every bad thing you’ve ever done, regurgitating them like Google and your search history to the NSA…

Anyway, if any of his mates heard him on Century FM and happen to read this blog, roundhouse kick him square on in the teeth from me and everyone who reads Delmorpha.com. I’d say bollocks but by ringing up the radio station to tell Alison he loves her live on air, he’s just proven to the world she has them locked in a cupboard somewhere. The fucking cunt.

I do! I seriously hate skivers! (People who will find any excuse to not go to work).

I work with more than one of them. It’s amazing how a bad headache and nausea in the morning due to “illness” also gives your breath the stench of beer…….no, no….. it’s called a hangover you fucking muffin!! How convinient that you always eat a “dodgy curry” pretty much every Sunday which is also when you have an all day session on the beer.

Now don’t get me confused witha fucking brown nose who is always at work on time and goes to bed at 9 o clock every night to be fresh for work in the morning, I’ve worked whilst pissed up from the night before on many occasion. I just don’t like when the 3 guys who have turned in have to work harder so that the 4th, absent, guy’s work gets done too. It gets to me all the more when it’s always the same guy!

It’s not as such the abscence that pisses me off, it’s the feeble excuses. If you’ve been on the piss, say you’ve been on the piss. At least it will be noted that your day off is for a good reason.

So, with this in mind, you may all see how the following report annoys me:

I refer again to our local free newspaper, The Citizen. (For past use, please see post entitled “smashing idea”). The front page is splayed with the story entitled “BIRDS LEFT TO DIE”. I like birds (with tits!) and dying so I figured this story would actually be a good story for a change…….no.

“Distraught civil servants have had to work beside dying pigeons after a hold up….”

This is a good start! I fucking hate civil servants. Myself and Delmorpha both worked as “cleaning operatives” at a government site and all the tossers that worked there used to look down at us because of our jobs and because they all had their own desks with photos of their pug-ugly families on. Little did they know we were doing A Levels at the time which is much more qualification than you need to work for the government. Anyway, I read on….

“contractors were hired to carry out work on the roof of Tomlinson house….However, the contractors failed to check the vents were clear before putting up wire mesh to prevent access to them. Pigeons, which were trapped inside had already made a nest which had eggs in which then hatched….nothing has been done to save the birds, and only one is still alive and has fed on the others to survive”

Rock! This is a top story. Basically all these knuckle beards are trying to work at their computers while a flying rat is flapping about in a hole in the wall and eating it’s own dead children. I gotten a smile on my face. But then…

“Some staff have asked to stay off work as they are so distressed by it”

sorry?

“they have been thinking about the poor birds and having nightmares when they go home after work”.

O.K. We all read that a couple of times to make sure what it said, coz I had to. The staff are staying off work because they are distressed from the dead birds.

a) They are fucking pigeons. There are roughly seven hundred million, million…..million of them in Blackpool so it’s not like you’ll never see a scrubber pigeon again.

b) Stop being a fucking pussy.

It seems they couldn’t do anything to the vent to free the birds because of company health and safety rules. I’m sure it’s safer to have an open hole in the wall than a hole in the wall with 6 dead birds in it covered in maggots and the AIDS. More like they saw some time off and left them to die. What an absolute bag of shit!

Get back to work you fucking skivers or fuck off so someone who is unemployed with a family, but can hack the prescence of a few dead vermin, can have your jobs. People like you make me very fucking angry.

If any readers work at this place, or knows of anyone who works here than please give me your side of the story because right now I think you are a lazy, pussy-ass skiver. The exact work place in question is SPVA, Tomlinson House, Norcross, Thornton. So don’t pretend I’m not speaking to you!

Pigeon pie for tea kids!

Til next time peeps,

H.

This crabby old cunt is Gwyneth Dunwoody MP, and if you live in the Crewe and Nantwich remember to not vote for her in the next local election. She is the tragic waste of oxygen that started the whole debate about the driving age in the UK being increased to 18, banning young drivers from having passengers “in the dark” and a zero tolerance for alcohol. Now rather than talk about whether this is right or wrong (its obviously retarded) I’m going to put my own proposition forward. It a proposition to decrease the age people can drive at for the good of the gene pool.

I mean for fucks sake, look at her. The double chin tells you enough that she’s a moaning old bitch at the best of times and probably tars anyone under 25 as the “youth of today” and blames them for the thousands of pounds worth of damages to the trees on the bridge in her constituency, calling them savages and thugs… oh wait, maybe that didn’t happen there, I must’ve got confused with something from a past life!

Anyway, joking aside, I genuinely believe lowering the legal driving limit would do society some good as a whole, and I’ll prove it with their own statistics, as bullshit as they are. It’s just a classic case of trying to prove things with numbers. Anyone can do it. I can say “86% of pensioners smell of piss” and, although true, it doesn’t make it so.

Government figures show that one-third of road deaths involve a person aged between 17 and 25, although this group accounts for just one in eight licence-holders.

The first statistic aimed at pushing there agenda was that a third of all deaths on the roads involve drivers aged 17 to 25. Right, ok lets dissect what that involves over what its implying.

This is just the bait you see, and the bovine bite would say “ooh, thats a lot isn’t it. Maybe we should up the age limit, it might make a difference”. You just need to stop watching the TV for five fucking minutes to dig a little deeper to see this as the bullshit Draconian measures that are becoming so typical of this fucking country.

You see, last year 3423 people died on the roads in the UK, some of the lowest figures in the world per persona. So 1000 deaths last year were caused at the wheel that somehow involved a 17 - 25 year old. This can be anything from getting hit by someone else and the younger driver dying, a young driver hitting someone, whatever. Now the stats seem more generic, and a little like finger pointing dont they?

Take 1/6th of 1141 out as their ball park for that age group being “out and about” and littering the streets as they do around colleges and universities in the day, a prime time for accidents. We’ll call KIA or the people killed indirectly as a result of anybody elses driving. Thats 190 of the 1/3 of deaths that technically are correct, but are actually bullshit statistic bloaters. The stats now become 27% and closer to 1 in 4, and whilst high, I’d say it was fair to say that an “inexperienced” driver is twice as likely to kill you as an “experienced” driver is a less shocking statement.

It shows more that experience counts rather than the age you learn. People are going to get killed no matter what age they start learning.

I can probably assume a larger proportion of deaths, using this crazy mathematical abuse, are the direct result of pensioners, and you don’t see the old bitch jumping on her high horse saying biddies should be banned from driving now do you? I was intrigued to find the actual numbers from the Department of Transport website and the stats prove my theory.

The statistics are from 2004 but the overall numbers don’t really change much so my assessment can be deemed as fair. In 2004, pedestrian casualty fatalities for 16-59 year olds totalled 323, yet over 60’s was 266. Now given the percentage of pensioners making up licence holders, oh my god! SOMEONE CALL GORDON BROWN NOW, WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THESE KILLER BIDDIES!!11one

No, we really don’t… you piss stained old battle axe… the biggest problem is the numbers are pretty vague for age groupings, and theoretically, like most things involving numbers, can add up any way you like. You can always rely on +c to integrate the maths anyway you like (sorry, thats the geekiest joke I’ve ever attempted to write).

Anyway, now I’ve descrambled their bullshit I’ll tell you about my theory on this.

When I see some 17 year old Burberry cap balancing scroat and the car full of his chav mates mangled up in the Vauxhall Corsa with a spoiler and big exhaust, I’m not thinking “Oh my God, what a waste of young life”. I’m laughing and thinking “Thank fuck for that. A car full of potential Darwin Award winning douchebags have been taken out the gene pool and won’t be able to procreate. There is a God!”.

If you were too stupid to drive according to the road conditions you deserved to die, and by killing your idiot friends too, you’ve actually done society a massive favour as shit tends to stick together. You would probably get a Burberry Heart for your bravery if the CSA were still around…

Therefore, Delmorpha.com says lower the legal driving age to 12 and lets start cleaning the gene pool up from a younger age! If we offer free driving lessons for the offspring of single mothers we’re going to have a ‘win-win’ situation on ours hands. The logic? Well single mothers can get a lift off their bastard kids to an actual job rather than sitting in their “lush” (what a fucking stupid chav word that is) council house on their leather suite paid for by Joe Public and start paying some tax back towards the hard workers that have been supporting their offspring for the last 12 years. If the child is a moron, he’ll drive accordingly, hopefully taking out as many of the social leeches as possible when they die in a fire from the resulting car crash.

Fucking told you it was Win-Win…

Accidents do happen, and are more likely to happen to young drivers not because of their age, just because they’re likely to be the demographic of drivers with the least experience. If you’re too stupid to realise that, maybe you shouldn’t be an MP, so stop pushing your youth hating agenda onto the rest of the 3 million young drivers that don’t mangle their friends up and proceed into later life accident free, you know… whilst they’re building up the experience needed to be a good* better driver.

* I won’t say good… the only good driver is me, and I’m sure every other driver on the road has the same opinion about themselves!