20 Reasons why smoking is Fucking Cool
I’m firmly on the smokers side on this debate as the Government steps up its War on Terrorist Smokers and therefore, in one of those Digg style articles people write to try and pimp their site, I’m writing this article which I am calling 20 Reasons why smoking is Fucking Cool. Great things come in twenties after all.
It seems there’s a sea of negative press about smoking at the moment, so I thought I’d write something positive in an attempt to counter-balance the argument. If it was all one way traffic, i’d be called Fascism after all… 
1. Looking Cool
Since the advent of photography and film there has been no-one cooler than The Smoker. Smoking has been synonymous with The Bad Guy, The Cool Guy and The Slutty Lady for many, many cinematic moments. It’s never The Nerds or the goody two shoes who smoke in films… always the cool, rebellious type. Although Hollywood might be phasing this image out of movies, it still reigns true that if you want to be bad ass, you have to smoke.
2. Non-smokers DIE every fucking day
Bill Hicks was and is one of my all time heroes. His words sum this up perfectly:
“I know you non-smokers have some eternal life fantasy, but let me be the first to pop that fucking bubble right now. You’re going to fucking die. Ok? Ok!”
What you do to your body is your own business, no one elses. Why are you letting someone else numb you into quitting smoking? Are you that much of a sheep?
3. Everyone’s quitting
I don’t know about you but I hate being part of the “In Crown”. Quitting smoking is the current in thing to do. Being a victim to fashion and trends sucks donkey balls. Why would you want to be part of the latest fad?!
4. The Government WANTS you to quit
..and what the fuck does the Government in this country know? Fuck all thats what! They thought the Millennium Dome was money well spent and that throwing money at Wembley would get it finished it time (when anyone with half a brain knew it was the pikey workforce that had been contracted to do the work milking them for every single penny they could). Government Approved Ideas… brings images of 1984 doesn’t it?
5. Smoking makes you a rebel
The Ministry of Health is doing everything in its powers to make you think quitting is your own choice and you can do it if you try. I’ve got the packs they’re spending our tax pennies on here to prove it as I was interested in the bullshit they’ll feed you to get you to quit and its cringeworthy. All of it is clearly written by morons who’ve never felt nicotine coursing through their veins and think smoking is a disgusting habit. It’s practically propaganda.
With this in mind, think of yourself as an anti-Nazi protester, not being phased by the tactics of a party determined to force its fascist regime change on the World. Continuing to smoke makes you a front line hero.
6. Smoking stops you swearing at your boss, keeping you employed
Despite the stigma smoking has, nicotine has positive side effects. One of them being it helps suppress Tourettes Syndrome. Whether diagnosed or not, everyone’s had that moment of naturally shouting a swear word or two at their boss. Smoking helps prevent these incidents and thus is definately cool for keeping you in a job for not shouting “cunt” in a flash of anger at work!
7. Smoking keeps you sane
Not only does smoking surpress Tourettes, it also helps prevent a variety of diseases including schizophrenia and Alzheimer’s. Ever wonder why your Great Aunty of 95 who smokes like a chimney still has all her marbles? Its the nicotine.
8. Smoking keeps you thin
I always thought that it was the fact I found eating became my new hobby once I quit smoking that made me fat, but cigarettes help boost Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), a natural steroid prohormone which amongst other things is used in a dietary supplements to keep you thin.
9. Smoking helps you stay horny and want to fuck more
Another positive benefit of extra DHEA in your system is it is the prohormone for the Sex Steroid. Smoking therefore increases your libido. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is up to you to decide, but it certainly makes smoking cool.
10. Smokers recover better from a heart attack than non-smokers
Given that 1 in 200 people have a heart attack each year, smoking actually increases your chance of recovering from it as stated by the Journal of the American College of Cardiology. It was also suggested that “One of the possibilities of smokers having better outcomes was that smokers are younger at the time of a heart attack.” but I say bollocks to that, you can view the statistics any way you like and its crystal clear that smoking gives you a better chance of recovering from a heart attack! Other research states nicotine helps produce new blood vessels following a heart attack or stroke.. I’d say that’s a positive reason to spark up.
11. Smoking makes beer better
Really, it does! Nicotine increases the production of dopamines in the brain that give us the pleasure sensation. The lowered enzyme level from the smoke helps increase the pleasure from alcohol amongst other things, thus making a beer all that more enjoyable.
12. Smoking helps Irritable Bowel Syndrome
If, like me, you suffer from IBS smoking can reduce the symptoms, such as abdominal discomfort and diarrhoea. Nicotine has immuno-suppressant properties and therefore helps you control the shits.
13. Having a Fag makes you gay…
Whilst it might sound like an excuse but chronic smoking produces anti-depressant like effects. Long term smokers have neurochemical abnormalities similar to the brains of animals treated with antidepressant drugs, according to the report published in the Archives of General Psychiatry. The next time some cunt harps on at you about lighting up, you can official turn around and say “Smoking makes me happy… if you want to see me unhappy I’ll put it out mother fucker…” and watch them trot off.
14. Smokers can handle more alcohol
Nicotine the wonder drug that it is also reduces blood alcohol concentration levels meaning you can drink more booze without getting smashed and acting like a prick. I’d say that keeps you being cool.
15. Smoking increases concentration
Nicotine has been proven to increase concentration and focus, as well as been used successfully to help treat cases of attention deficit disorder. Perhaps if more bastard kids smoked, they’d be able to sit through a movie without opening their fucking mouths…
16. Smoking makes you 50% less likely to get Parkinson’s Disease
If only Michael J Fox had smoked, he might’ve been making a comeback Back to the Future 4 right about now, and as much as that’d suck, the fact is you are 50% less likely to get Parkinson’s disease as a smoker.
17. Smoking actually makes food taste better
Even though you might have a jaded opinion that the taste of cigarettes in your mouth would mean food taste worse, quite the opposite is true. Again, its the dopamines released by the brain that allow you to experience pleasure at a higher level than a non smoker, therefore the sensations of eating delicious food is multiplied thanks to the nicotine from cigarettes.
18. Cigarettes kill kids
Smoking whilst pregnant, amongst other things, can cause something called Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Not only does that sound awesome, smoking is the reason for this kind of infant death 70% of the time.
19. Smoking lets you meet new, chilled out, like minded people
You’re an open minded smoker, firm in the belief of live and let live and you’re out on a date with a hot chick. You’ve got your “fucking” pants on and things are going well until you say you’re nipping for a smoke and *boom*, she gives you that look of death and you know you’re chances of getting laid have just been shattered. She’s one of those anal Anti-Smoking types. (My advice here is to light up and just keep walking… leaving her to pay the bill, but I’m a cunt like that).
By forcing you to congregate outside to smoke, you now get to meet more like-minded people than you would do before. Smoking brings you together with people you already have something in common with. This in turn could leave to “a chat, a date, or even something more…” to quote shitty late night TV ads.
20. Who wants to live into their 90’s anyway?!
Anti-Smoking lobby groups often state the number one reason to quit smoking is you’ll live longer. Who the fuck wants that?! I don’t know about you, but there’s a shotgun going in my mouth when I hit 80 unless I can still walk properly, get myself to the toilet on time and have all my marbles. Old people are shit, everyone knows that. Why the fuck would I be petered from doing something I enjoy in the hope of squeezing a few extra years at the shitty end of my life out? I wouldn’t, so shut the fuck up.
So thats it, my 20 Reasons why smoking is Fucking Cool. Smoking itself isn’t actually the cool part, its nicotine and as tobacco is the only natural source of nicotine, if you wanted it’s effects you used to have to take it’s evils too. Which leads me to a new train of though; if Nicotine has so many positives, would you gain all the benefits without risking your life if you wore a Nicotine Patch?
With this in mind, my next task is going to be to do two IQ tests. One now, and one after wearing a nicotine patch for a month to see if there is any significant improvement. At the last testing my IQ was around 140 something… maybe nicotine will push me past the accepted 147 genius level, or does the suggestion of this very study make me a retard before its begun?! 
