delmorpha.com

Some of you have probably be wondering if I’m dead… others hoping maybe that I was dead.. but alas I have risen from the proverbial grave and will be back with a whole host of new complaints shortly.. 2 days off sick with a stomach bug and then thrown back out on the road with work today (even though my stomach is still not fully right, the cunts…) so I’ve not been online at all over the last few days, just mainly sleeping to be honest…

…If only life was so simply all the time!

Anyway, I’ll be back to full strength tomorrow with a bit of luck so don’t worry… I’ll treat y’all to a whole batch of hate once I’ve had a nice lye in on my day off! Every week should be a two day working week… and it would be if I didn’t have to pay so much fucking tax to support the cunts who do a no day week every fucking week of the year.

Anyone whose read this blog more than once will know I’ve got more than a small problem with the radio. It’s like a direct tap to the hatred I have for the Bovine Masses… all I have to do to fill this is turn it on. This is the reason I very rarely listen to it when I can help it… I’m sure you’ll agree, most of the time I’m angry enough.

On a side note, I remember this one time I took my car into the garage and the grease monkey pointed out that my radio didn’t work. I drive an imported FTO just in case you cared, and Japan operates radio on a different frequency to the UK so my radio can only pick up static; a blessing in disguise you might say. Anyway, he offered to sort it out for me for free and I told him quite flatly not to bother. He looked hurt and confused, his facial expression suggested his peon brain couldn’t work out why someone wouldn’t want to be able to listen to the mindwashing air pollution that is radio. I just told him I have a 10 CD MP3 changer in the boot and I never listen to the radio anyway so it wasn’t worth his effort, but I appreciated the gesture. Prick.

No less than 30 minutes ago was a prime example why I don’t listen to the radio. Works van had just been fixed and we had to go collect it. It’s a shed on wheels and I fucking hate driving it, but needs must and all that shite. Normally I would just turn the radio off but without thinking I pulled the van out and headed back to base. I then got sucked in by some caller cunt on the radio and had to listen, if only for something to write about.

“Hi you’re through to Century FM, you’re live on the air”
“Can I just say a big I Love You to my fiancée Alison”

Already I can feel my piss boiling…

“Are you in the bad books or something?”

A fair point I felt… maybe this guy is just a pussy whipped faggot and his girlfriend is a 23 stone rotter but he stays with her because it’s either fuck a fat munter or fuck the dog, and he’s already on his second strike for that.

“No, no.. I just wanted to tell her I love her. I recently proposed on the plane on the way t’Eygpt and we got free champagne and everything”
“Was she surprised?”
“Yeah, she only thought I was going to the toilet. I did it on the tanoy and the whole plane cheered”

Firstly, if I was on that flight, the whole fucking plane wouldn’t have cheered. Id’ve been getting out of my seat running straight for the tanoy wire and wrapping it around his scrawny cunt of a neck. As a finale I’d be shoving the receiver so far down his oesophagus the next time he shits the whole fucking plane would hear that too.

Are there men in this world so blinded by pussy they’ll pull shit like this just to keep themselves in the good books? That a rhetorical question as I know the fucking answer is yes. If you’re already having to keep in the good books before you’re married, you’re with the wrong woman… she’s already rubbing her hands together seeing you for the fucktard sap you are. It’s even sadder when guys actually think this will improve after their married too… if you’re too dumb to realise this, you deserve to lose half of everything when she takes you to the cleaners…

The trouble is some men are desperate enough to try and pull stunts like this because they think its the way to a womans heart and they appreciate it. Trust me, the goodwill gestures have a relative half life of seaborgium in a womans mind… which is amazing when they can remember every bad thing you’ve ever done, regurgitating them like Google and your search history to the NSA…

Anyway, if any of his mates heard him on Century FM and happen to read this blog, roundhouse kick him square on in the teeth from me and everyone who reads Delmorpha.com. I’d say bollocks but by ringing up the radio station to tell Alison he loves her live on air, he’s just proven to the world she has them locked in a cupboard somewhere. The fucking cunt.

Yes, you read correctly, the Kaiser Chiefs are wank and are now officially off the artist roll call forever. Not that they weren’t already a bag of shit, it’s just recently they confirmed their place in the realms of wankery for definite by allowing Take That to cover one of their songs.

Usually it works the other way round; a rock band would take a crappy and cheesy pop song and rock it up a little bit. Every rock band has done it, its almost an accepted rock cliché to do so but vice versa… a rock band allowing a has-been pop act to cover one of their more famous tracks.. that in my book, should be punishable by death… a Rock death of guitars fingers being curb stomped, singers voice boxes being pecked out by crows, drummers anally gang raped with metal Lighting Rods and the pièce de résistance, being pummelled to death by real Rock.

This post was set for last week when I had the misfortune of hearing Take That on Radio One cover Every Day I Love You Less And Less and by the end, as you can imagine, I was punching my ears from both sides just to stop the pain. What a fucking stinking pile of piss-ridden flaps that 4 minutes was…

Now I’ve seen the Kaiser Chiefs live… twice in fact*, and they have 4 songs of any credibility and the rest are shit. I honestly thought they were going to have to repeat songs for their live performance. I knew they were corporate through and through when I saw their advert for Employment tagged with “..every song could be a single!” - no word of a fucking lie, thats how that album was advertised in the UK. This all started after the 3rd single release and the Kaiser Hype was in full swing. I wondered how many morons would be tricked into buying another coaster for their collection after hearing that blatant lie.

But in any case, Take That could be just the start so I ask What Next…? Shania Twain sings Wait and Bleed by Slipknot in her bland yet melodic vocal stylings? Robbie Williams takes on Hangar 18 by MegaDeth and hums all 37 guitar solos? Maybe Moby could offer a whole new take on My Own Summer by the Deftones? No.. because if approached, each one of those bands would piss their sides laughing then say two words - “Get Fucked”.

I mean this cover, on Radio One no less, had to be authorised by the band on some level. Gary Barlow didn’t just pick up the guitar and start ad-libbing live… he’s certainly not that talented, having the intelligence to pick a guitar up in the first place would be an achievement for him after all. Some corporate stink nugget started the ball rolling at lunchtime over their Panini and Mocha and it shaped itself somehow into the turd that entered my ears.

One of two things happened… 1) The band knew nothing about it and their record label, MCA Music, Inc., allowed this or 2) the band authorised Take That to cover their track. Either way you look at it, its a pretty heinous crime and boycotting anything put out by MCA is a good start. Not so surprisingly, both bands are signed to the same label (Universal) so I can already see the story spun..

Corporate Slime : “We’ve been approached by Take That… they want to cover one of your tracks..”
Bilbo from KC : *Spits his low fat decaf mocha out a little* “What??”
CS : “Yeah, we’ve been approached by MCA… they say it’ll be good for everyone if you say yes… theres no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM’, Bilbo”
Bilbo : “But Take That are fucking shit… they’re has-beens the record label regurgitated in a vain attempt to make some money for the industry this year… if we let them cover one of the 4 tracks we actually wrote with the intentions of being good won’t that damage our image”
CS : “Shhh… someone might hear you… everyone knows the resurrection of Take That is purely for the fans who miss them *winks cunningly*.. and anyway, they’re very ‘now’… people like ‘now’ bands… look at the amazing things we did with Lily Allen and your song!”
Bilbo : “You know you tricked us into signing the release for her to cover that track…”
CS : “Haha… yeah… good times! Isn’t that a Three Headed Monkey???”
Bilbo : “Where???” *spins around*
CS : *Slips Rohypnol in Bilbos lame excuse for coffee* “Oh, sorry… my bad… that’s just Ant and Dec holding hands… aaaaaanyway, about Take That….”

Kaiser Chiefs… wank. MCA Music… wank. Take That… wank. Just one massive pile of wank really!

*I’m not proud I’ve seen the Kaiser Chiefs twice.. it was part of my Del Boy eBaying days and I had 20 tickets to the NME tour in Liverpool and Manchester.. it would’ve been rude not to go!

FURY….BOILING….OVER……

MUST……WRITE…..ABOUT IT…….

FUCK! If it’s one thing, or two people really, that really get on my tits it’s the fucking Beckhams. How can 2 of the biggest pieces of cock wank have the nerve to ever be seen in the same place, let alone get married and spawn commercialism!

If you read this post and get angry because you like the Beckhams, then i’m not going to apologise. You can get to fuck!

If you read this post and get angry because I’ve got some information wrong or left something out, then I’m not going to apologise because, as much as I love writing for Delmorpha.com, I wouldn’t abuse my eyes and brain for revision on these pissflaps!

Now I’ve not always felt this way believe it or not. Step back to about 1998 and I could have even called myself a fan. I’m a die hard Man Utd fan (boos erupt) so David was almost a God back then, and his wife to be was in the Spice Girls….the Spice Girls were excellent! (No shit, I really was a fan and still have “Spiceworld - the movie’ on tape). However, David got himself a deal with Gillette and Brylcreem and a hair cut that every little mincey kid wanted to copy and all of a sudden he’s a fucking woman! His football took a back seat to his sarongs, bandanna’s and beads and he was actually one of the biggest gay icons of the time. Cunt! Posh was always a pouty fuck but when her and David got together and became “the scene’s hottest couple” she seemed to think sticking your lips out like Steve Tyler actually looked good. The tosser that she is!

So as soon as they were a couple, I was not a fan. But as much as I tried, and still try, to avoid them they KEEP FUCKING COMING BACK!!!!

• They had kids. Most people do. But most people don’t grow their little boy’s hair so they look like their homo-dad!
• David moved to Spain. Good riddance but they’re even more popular in this country after they’ve left it. Jesus!
• David moves to America. Ha! They’re welcome to him, but still photos in the paper of their luxury house in Beverly Hills and everything they do! I want to cry.

Now the latest thing that infuriates me is the people they hang around with. Will Smith and his family who are basically well spoken gangsters. Also Tom Cruise and Katy Katie Holmes* who are thick as shit and did you see him on Oprah that time??? What a fucking mong! What could these people possibly have in common? Is it that they all used to work in tele-sales? No! Did they attend the same school, if any at all? No, that’s not it. Could it be….. Of course, they all have money coming out of their stupid plastic ears! Times must be shit when you can’t even afford friends that you have something in common with. Wankers, the bloody lot of them!

I noticed, not read, yesterday that Posh is now teaching Tom Cruise to speak cockney because he ‘loves the language’. Shit in my eyes! What a pile of fucking monkey dung! This just goes to show the intellect of these fools! Is Tom going to return the favour by teaching Posh to be short and thick as a Pig’s Shit? It makes me even angrier that this article was on page three, not even in the gossip section. Maybe it’s my taste in tabloids but it still pisses me off.

The only good thing that came out of the mouths of these shits was about a fortnight ago. David says that they are so popular (cough..CUNT!..cough), and the paparazzi are so mad about them that he predicts that they will be killed much in the same way as Princess Diana was. Diana’s death upset me, she was a very good person. If this happened to the Beckhams, I would smile (because I’m very callous)….then probably bid for the wreckage on eBay. Ha Ha!

So if David’s premonition is correct then hopefully they won’t be in our faces for much longer.

What?…..

What the FUCK?!?!?!?!

Latest news states that top Premier League Football clubs are all keeping tabs on 8 year old Brooklyn Beckham who is now tipped to be bigger and more popular than his dad!

It’s official people, The Beckhams can be likened to the AIDS. Once it’s there, it’s not going away and it will make you feel sicker by the day.

Til next time peeps,

H.

* Cheers Mike the grammar and spelling Nazi!

Not to break the habit of a lifetime, this weekend I found myself once again nursing a hangover. This time however, I was still puking at 6pm the following day, so the Saturday night was a bit of a monster.

I’ve been on call this weekend and the phone was non stop up to about 3pm. Some weekends its easy money, others its actually work, and after the events and fun of last week, Saturday was not what I was in need of. As you can see from my gamer card, I got up with the phone at 9am, sorted a few calls to boot the all new Blue Dragon, to then leave my Xbox on for the next 6 hours, not to even get a chance to play it.

Anyway, the phone went quiet and seeing my opportunity to “clock off early”, I packed my laptop up just in case and headed round to my mates daughters 1st birthday party. Arriving to an already inebriated household, I was playing catchup from the get-go. After the shitty week previous I was out to get slaughtered and the speed I was knocking them back at, it’s no surprising how much of a mess I was on Sunday. Even my mate Jonny mentioned how fast I was drinking, and he’s a hardened alcoholic.

Well, my drunken shenanigans are not the point of this post, but are related to the title in some way. You see, according to some crazy lady with a perm, I’m deaf AND dumb.

Now before you think you’ve misread the poster, this is indeed Delmorpha and not Horse. I’m not quite as used to the insane situations he finds himself, but rather than be shocked, I rolled with the situation and turned it around for maximum embarrassment for the 80s wannabe.

So people are partying away as the do and I’m minding my own business in the kitchen with a beer talking to a friend when Pat Sharpe comes through the back door. Now I’m stood where any self respecting party goes stands; as close to the fucking alcohol as you can and I would have to move if someone wanted a drink. Well I get this look of “move”, a grunt and an arm gesture, but no actual words. Manners cost nothing and I wasn’t going to move for that. She repeats the action when me and my friend look at each other and laugh, shaking our heads at each other.

“Do you actually want something?”

I ask… to my horror I got the following response:

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were deaf and dumb”.

No word of a lie. No jokes. She was deadly fucking serious. She actually thought I was deaf and dumb…

“What???”

“Sorry, I thought you were deaf and dumb”

“Even if I was, which I’m fucking not, how was that a polite way to ask anyone to move?!”

“…I guess it wasn’t…”

“Then you can whistle for a drink, go on… fuck off!”

So that was it, for the rest of the night any time she was in ear shot people were talking in the mono-tonal nasal tone deaf people talk in. She was more embarrassed than I was in the end, my abuse after the incident and then the piss taking by everyone else at the party for her obvious stupidity made her feel very small indeed. There was a lot more abuse, trust me, but the details are a little hazy! Stupid beer…

So, there we have it… your host, Delmorpha.. he’s deaf and dumb… apparently!