delmorpha.com

Hello there, it’s been a while….

Get this shit. I realised today that I could possibly have one of the best jobs ever. I’m not talking about my actual job because i’m just an engineer. I work with metal. It’s silver, hard and cold and that’s day in day out. In my company, however, I have a sub-designation. Some are designated fork-lift truck drivers. Some are designated bathroom attendants. You know, filling up the bog roll and making sure there’s enough soap and shit.

I am a first aider!

Now if i’m not mistaken (which I may be so, please, don’t correct me if I’m wrong) every workplace must have at least one first-aider to every 10 people. Because our company currently has one first-aider to every 29 people, the management are always on the look-out for more people to become qualified. They fail drastically.

Because half the people in the company are….how do I say this nicely……thick as pig shit (damn, almost sounded too kind there), I don’t think these people would ever be considered. If some dude collapsed, they’d probably try giving them a kiss of life through the fucking ring-piece! The other half of the company are stubborn. They see no point in having an extra responsibility if they’re not gonna get any extra pay for it.

They do have a good point but I see 2 good points to being a first aider. Firstly, the company need your skills and secondly, IT FUCKING ROCKS!!! Check out what happened today….

Most of my accident reports have been people having a bit of shit in the eye or some fuck’s cut themselves and don’t know which way to put a fucking elastoplast on, dumb cunts. These are pretty boring, but every few months there’s a good one…

One of the departments uses these pressing machines where the operator put a metal cup in a holder then pushes 2 buttons simultaneously, one on each side of the machine to ensure no hands are near the moving parts, and another heavy metal part will push down with a lot of force and fold the edges of the cup over. Pretty boring really but part of the job in any case. Today, one of the stupid bastards, somehow managed to have the machine going without having both of the buttons pressed. Fuck knows how yet, I’m sure the lawyers will find out, but the guys fingers were sat on top of the metal cup at the time. FUCKING YES!!

Now there are two kind of people in a situation like this. There’s the people who would hear a scream / see some blood and run far, far away before they faint themselves. The other kind of people would buzz off the situation and try to see all they could. I am most definitely one of the latter and I actually get called upon to come and look at it and poke it all I want. [evil laugh].

So that’s what I did. There was probably about a pint and a half of blood on the floor which adds to the excitement and one of this guy’s fingers was none existent from the knuckle up. The rest of it was hanging off like a big old baggy piss-flap with bits of bone mixed in. All topped off with a perfect stream of blood running off it. The finger next to it had no skin or tissue on one side of it to the bone. Also with a copious amount of blood spewing out. I only wish I had time to get my mobile phone out of my pocket and take a picture of it but the fat spacker in question was already white through loss of blood and severe shock so I just bandaged it up best I could then fucked him off to the paramedics who had arrived to interfere in my pleasure….bastards!

So though I may not get any extra money for my pleasure and though I sometimes need to put a plaster on some IQ challenged spazzer’s finger, I wouldn’t dream of giving up my position. It ROCKS! And gorey shit like the above can make a sick fuck’s day. HA HA!

It’s good to be back (again),

Til next time peeps,

H.

Horse takes a ball to the bollocks!
Just hunting out the Anger White Van Man movies I made and found this little gem of our very own Horse taking a ball to the bollocks from my nephew and thought I’d share! Sometimes we play some very silly games…

Check it,

I’m no bitch-dude or shit but I fucking love to gossip. When one of my work “mates” drops a bollock, I’m the first to laugh then go tell everyone about it. If some guy gets taken in the office for a bollocking then I NEED an excuse to go in there…..and hang around a little…… and listen!…….then go tell everyone! Im not a gossip addict or anything but it just makes my work day a little more interesting and i’d like to think it makes me a little more interesting too. Probably not but, meh*!

This part of me is probably the reason why I also like to read tabloids. I feel better when I know whats going on in this crappy world around me. But rather than reading “floods hit the north”, which is a headline you may find in a broadsheet, I would rather read “water way to lose your possesions” which is a story you’d more than likely find in The Star or some shit. Both these stories will give the exact same infomation but the broadsheet will also tell you about stocks and shares whereas the tabloid will tell you about the biggest dog from Cambridgeshire that can make a cup of tea….kind of thing.

Now where I find tabloids entertaining, I find the Daily Sport stupid! Almost every single page has an advert on for phone sex on it, over half the pages have a set of tits on them and the “sport” section is only 6 pages of the 48 I have infront of me. It’s not a newspaper, it’s soft porn!

So why do I read it you ask? The answer lies in the funniest thing written outside of the Viz. It’s the page they call “Agony Angels” and it is the reader’s problems page.

Now before you start thinking The Daily Sport has a soft and caring side, let me just put forward my theory…..I think the letters are fake. Why, you ask? Let me show you some examples:

“…..The thing is, my husband is hung like a donkey. His penis is an eye watering 10 inches long….until you’ve had a monster cock like that inside you you have no idea…he pays particular attention to my 34DD breasts and my shaved pussy lips…it’s almost like being pleasured by a woman’s mouth and I should know as I once had a passionate lesbo fling”

Horse : ????????

“…My nuts are driving me nuts. One bollock is about twice the size of the other…women find them a turn off”

Horse : “wha….?”

” I caught my wife shagging our window cleaner…I was aroused as he f****d her…I tossed off as he nailed her…he spunked all over her face and tits…this happens every week now and my sex life with the wife has improved”

Horse : [slaps forehead] “oh dear…”

” I recently got ratted at a mate’s 30th party and ended up bedding his auntie. She’s a fat munter well into her 50s…before I knew it she was massaging my knackers…she took her teeth out and gave me a gobble…I ended up shafting her doggy style…”

Horse : [spits tea out onto paper] “Blimey”!

Do you see where i’m coming from? Who the fuck talks like that in real life, let alone when writing to a fucking problem page! There is not one letter that is a real problem, most of them are boasts and the replies from the “angels” themselves are amazing. Usually they will tell the guy to carry on his affair quietly or some shit. It’s laughable!

The main bit that really makes me laugh though is the language they use. My favourite examples include :

” searching out her love bucket”

“opened her thighs and let me see her lettuce”

“I was shocked to see her gaping snatch”

“I flipped her over and banged her up the tradesman’s”

Wicked! I don’t feel bad laughing at these problems because i’m quite sure they are really not true. I just feel jealous that some guy probably gets paid to sit at home scratching his balls and writing 6 of these things a day.

In no way am I trying to sell the Sport but I would really recommend you buy this paper just once and check these stories out. They certainly brighten up my day!

Til next time peeps,

H.

P.S- If any of you do have a problem, for god’s sake don’t write to the angels. Write to Horse and let me have a laugh….then go tell everyone else!

*meh - the noise me and Delmorpha make which is short for “give a shit”, “oh well”, or “never mind”.

How do.

About a month ago I was telling y’all about Beth Ditto. She had stripped naked for the cover of N.M.E and she made me feel violently sick. I hated the music of her band, The Gossip, and I called her a “lesbian who doesn’t shave, sweats and can’t sing”(in a nutshell).

This previous Friday night, Beth hosted the Friday Night Project on channel 4. I actually watch this every week so I wasn’t gonna let Beth Hippo put me off. What happened in that hour was not expected.

As Beth started presenting and telling jokes, etc, I actually thought she didn’t come across as too bad when she wasn’t screaming to some drum and bass. At the questions and answers bit, someone remarked on Beth posing naked on the front of N.M.E and her response was :

” I really didn’t want to do the naked shoot because I would have just felt really vunerable. But then I thought I could show people that there are more than one kind of body. Some are naturally thin, some are fat, some people have no legs, some people are blind, some people are unable to walk. Bodies like mine are actually more common than the ‘model’ figure so I thought why not show it off? ” The audience, rightfully, applauses.

Good girl, Beth. This is one thing I feel strongly about. I have never thankfully had anyone close to me suffer from an eating disorder (touch wood) but I do know that many women can be very subconcious about their figures and thin bits of wank like Fucking Posh Spice all over the papers and size zeros like Nicole “white but me dad’s black, how does that work” Richie do not help the cause.

I’m not gay or owt but I do think the whole “model look” and constant dieting is a waste of Fucking life!! Be the way God intended you to look. By all means exersize and stay fit / in-shape but eat the cake! Have a Saturday night kebab! Drink lager!

Food is a pleasure and a lot of food is good! Use it!

I’m not going to go on because I really could but you get my drift.

As one AIDS sufferer once sang, “fat bottomed girls you make the rocking world go round!”

As for Beth Ditto, she does actually come across as a lass who likes a good time and would enjoy herself, not caring about what anyone else thinks. Beth, you have gone way, way up in my opinion. Thank You and I wish there were more role models like you.

However, the music of The Gossip is still very, very shit!

Til next time peeps,

H.

Get this,

I’m watching a programme about a week back called “embarrassing illnesses” or some shit which shows people with scurvy, rickets and the clap and shit like that and basically shows the viewers what the symptoms are, etc.

Some of the fucked up wrong that has actually been shown on the show can make ya wanna puke. Ya know, toes falling off and swollen knackers and shit. But last week there was actually a guy on the show with something I think I have.

* NOTE - Horse is not about to fly into a torrent of evil describing his bum problems again. Please do not change channel if you are queasy. The following is not going to get gory. Thank you, and please enjoy the rest of the feature post… *

Some of the cases start with a patient sitting in the doctor’s room describing their problem, much like any Joe Public would do when visiting the Doc. I feel I must also point out that the Doctor is actually a qualified General Practitioner, not an internet Doctor like that goofy biddy, Gillian MacKieth, who got her degree off the internetz. The patient will then say something like ” Well, one of my pissflaps has fallen off doctor” then the camera will zoom in on the said fanny flap and the Doctor will then explain that the patient has Wizardsleeveitis and she will soon have a cock and balls….or something like that anyway, just some actual real illness.

So this old fella is sat at the Doctor’s table and he explains, in a quiet way (which ya fucking would) that he can take a piss nice and easy apart from when he’s in a public toilet in the presence of someone else. The dude can’t piss in front of other guys!

I start laughing at this point, because I know exactly what the problem is - I have the exact same thing myself!

The Doc chirps up, fingers together, head nodding, “sir, you have paruresis, or ’shy bladder syndrome”.

My laughing stops. What the Fuck did he say?

“You share your problem with millions of men all over the world and it is very common. It can be called ‘pee-shyness’ and is, basically, when your urethra retracts when you are in other company because of the tension of knowing it’s going to happen so it makes it virtually impossible to urinate”

The look on my face was probably the same as what it would be like if I was working in a drive thru with a faulty speaker-phone and my received order was something like ” can I have 3………macs with……….portions of…………and four large…………barbecue, sweet and sour……….milkshake” I was confused to say the least.

This is because I never knew there was such a problem, let alone one that millions of guys suffered from. Remember before when I was laughing because I knew what the problem was?? Well my problem is that i’ve got a tiny prick and when I have to get it out infront of other guys for a piss, the very fear of them seeing it and laughing or pissing on my shoes scares me into just freezing and standing with my cock in my hands thumb and fore-finger until a) I’m on my own and the river runneth free, or b) I just spit in the trough a few times then zip up and walk out looking relieved like I’ve just taken a good piss. That’s the way I’ve been for as long as I can remember.

I may have considered going to the surgery myself in the past but instead of the above scenario with the gentle old chap at the desk, it would have been Horse….

H : “Doctor, I have a rather embarrassing problem, see when I’m in the company of others, I can’t seem to be able to take a slash…not even a dribble”

At this point, Horse’s doctor would not have kindly mentioned ’shy bladder syndrome’ he would have said ” come on then lad, let’s take a look at your member”

I would undo my belt, pull down my pants and undies and stand uncomfortably while the doctor put on his stronger glasses and puts his hand over his mouth…before breaking into a FUCK OFF GUFFAW and asking the receptionist to come in and check this excuse for a man hood out.

Doc : “I know what your problem is boy, PURE FUCKING EMBARRASMENT! You’ve got a tiny prick!! HA HA, just look at it. Your pubes are fucking longer than ya wand! Get out of my office you Fucking eunuch and stop wasting my Fucking time!!!”.

That’s why I didn’t mention it…

So if there is anyone out there looking for the cure for paruresis, the Doctor says this can easily be cured through simple counselling. Please see you G.P for help in finding the right people to talk too. You will soon be full of toilet confidence.

As for my problem, may I suggest page 38 of July’s edition of sex toys monthly…item 6, the ‘thimble penis pump’….or a dyson! Both work as well!

Til next time peeps,

H.