delmorpha.com

I’ll start with a massive apology to everyone about the lack of updates in my life in general, not only to this site. An apology comes by the way of complaint, but yes, I’ve been work FAR too much recently and am about ready for a breakdown. After this weekends trauma, my cunt of a boss was like “But you’re still coming in tomorrow, right?”, fearing my personal and mental scars would jeopardise his business somehow and I wouldn’t be able to do the 12 1/2 hour day that ensued on the Monday. Sometimes the word “cunt” doesn’t say enough…

And on the back of that, today I got reprimanded for my persistent tardiness even though I never take a lunch, and on the back of the comments I’ve been leaving on my job sheets he was pissed off. Apparently it was an inappropriate outlet for my grievences and I should have approached him directly and am never forced into working my lunch (bullshit).

I wouldn’t mind so much but I’ve tried that already after approaching our supposed manager of scheduling about the extra hours I’ve been doing and never getting a lunch break and he said and i quote:

“I understand what you are saying about lunch breaks, I too find it difficult to step away from the desk to take a meaningful break. It requires a different type of discipline to detach from what you are doing especially in lieu of the deadlines we have to achieve. When you work it out let me know!”

Which is typical of the weasily little fucker he is, completely avoiding my questions and point and making some arbitrary comment that is utterly meaningless. This cunt is the reason our companies going down the swanny too… he has an “office” in the south yet works on his own and could do his job from home. I’m sure it’s really hard to have a lunch break when other people aren’t relying on your help… douchebag.

“When I work it out”. When I fucking quit more like…

My main boss also justified my shitty lunch setup by using my tardiness as a “swings and roundabouts” linchpin. Good one, dickhead… so if I was coming in on time every day for my Gold Star I would be getting my full one hour lunch break? Would I fuck, so don’t try and give me such bullshit.

I mean don’t get me wrong, if I had my own company and persistently saw a member of staff coming in 10 minutes late I would address it too, but 10 minutes of early morning work time vs. one hours worth of lunch break are in no way a “swings and roundabouts” trade off. Hows about we look at the average hours a month I’m working compared to what I’m being paid for. Lets deduct my lateness minutes and then add on the amount of times I’ve stayed late without even a whimper of complaint and see whether I’m the one taking the piss or is it you?

Bosses… why does a position of authority go to everyones head and you instantly have to become a prick?!

Oh, and whilst I’m on the subject of piss taking… wheres my fucking Christmas Bonus?? Nice lies people… nice lies..

You see the fucking shit I have to put up with from the arseholes we’re here to help. This is Ms Pirate in all her glory talking down to me remotely whilst I try and install a printer.

The printer has actually moved, and although it did work before, it’s now network shared rather than directly in her machine. Plus these HP 1018s are absolute dogshit and don’t work properly over the network for some reason, probably because HP want you to buy the ‘N’ version of their printers..

This is tame compared to some of the shit she tries to pull…. fucking whore…

Oh, a quick update to the piracy saga. I wrote a report this morning and send it to everyone at my company - I’m awaiting our official stance but if that’s not going to be firm enough, I agree with everyone whose posted thus far and will keep you all updated, so thanks for that.

1. Getting paid for procrastination
We all do it and if I worked for myself I would probably feel guilty for blogging so much/spending 20 minutes in the shithouse daily/spacing out for the first 90 minutes of the day whilst I drink coffee and surf the net/taking an extra 15 minutes either side of lunch/chatting on MSN/doodling etc, etc.

2. Stealing Works Supplies
Lets face it, its another guilty pleasure of working for someone else. That home office supplies cupboard you’re harbouring wasn’t paid for by you now was it? No.. just keep telling yourself it’s making up for the crappy bonus your boss gave you last year (unless you’re a Postie, then fucking take it back you greedy twats.. talk about having your cake and eating it…)

3. Poo Time
This is an offshoot (excuse the pun) of procrastinating in the workplace, but if you haven’t already heard of this website, then check it out. It calculates how much you just earnt for taking a dump! It’s a good feeling knowing you’ve just earnt £5 for curling one out!

4. Free Toner Cartridge usage
Have you ever priced one of these fuckers up? Think of all the shit you’ve even felt the need to print at work (you know, documents for the kids homework, maps for day trips, Sony PS2 Cell Processor Guides x 4 at about 700 pages a document, Full Colour How To Draw Anime books then binding them using works binding machine.. maybe the last two are just me..) then multiply it by about 3p for B&W and 12p for colour and you’ll have a rough idea what you’ve cost the business in bullshit printing. Not to mention the hours of lost time whilst you shout at the printer, wait for it to warm up and then stake out the bosses office so he doesn’t catch you printing out the Home Guide to the Karma Sutra in full colour…

5. Personal Downtime
One of the brilliant things about working for someone else is not having to worry about the bullshit workings of the business outside of office hours. If I worked for myself I would constantly be worrying whether the business was growing and never get any downtime. Who’d whoop Mikes ass at NHL07 then?

6. Corporate Slime
I hate schmoozing at the best of times, but part of working for yourself involves liaising with people you hate all the time to “build the business”. If I hate someone at work I can usually deflect their evil and tell them to “get fucked” enough times for them to get the message and leave me alone. In the business world I would be alone, trying to do business with myself and be bankrupted before I knew it.

7. Having a Tibor in the office
Every office has a Tibor. You know, that scrotum that’s so inept everyone uses him as the patsie when something fucks up. Whilst I don’t fuck things up that often, its nice to know he’s there to take the fall when I do.

8. The Brew Bitch
Somehow in my new job, I’m the Brew Bitch. Every other lazy bastard just sits there, stewing out to see whose the first to crack with the “lack of caffeine” shakes. In my old position, we all enjoyed about 10 cups a day, so I’m infinitely more addicted than everyone else here, but it doesn’t stop them saying ‘yes’ when I’m brewing up. Bastards!

9. Free Christmas Party
Always a great excuse to get wankered for free, make a prick out of yourself and pick a fight with some cock from the office and blame it on the booze. A Christmas Party for One sounds oh so very sad..

10. Having to employ women
Finally, one of my biggest gripes about being an Employer is I would have to employ women. Now before some of you start thinking I’m a homo that wants to be surrounded by men, I assure you its not true! Yes, I can see the aesthetic benefits of employing a woman in the workplace but financially its a bad move, especially if shes under 30 with no children.

In Computing its an especially negative decision to choose a woman as an employee, but this doesn’t stop the Feminists (i.e. Lesbians with sand in their vaginas) wanting equal rights in the industry. The problem lies in how fast our industry works and moves on…

If a receptionist takes 6 months off to spit out the Fruit of its Loins, nothing much has changed in answering phones. Likewise if a cleaner takes maternity, a brand new technique for mopping floors isn’t going to have arisen and is going to take her the next 6 months to learn and get back upto speed. If a female computing expert takes 6 months off to do the same, she would be so far behind with the developments, not only have you just paid for half of her 6 month vacation (because lets face it, having a child isn’t as difficult as women make out… *pauses and waits for obvious backlash*), you would then have to pay for the fact she’s going to be shit at her job for the next couple of months too.

We had a case of this bullshit at Uni when I was there; the Computing department were trying to appeal to more women to join so what they did is had meetings on how to get more women into IT, and split the budget between themselves as an incentive. My friend Kate actually got money from our Uni just for being a woman studying a Computing degree… at least she used to buy the Chronic with it, but if I wasn’t all happy and high Id’ve probably been more pissed off!

Employing women with the potential to have kids just doesn’t make sense in my eyes, and here in lies a problem, with it being illegal to discriminate against people these days. I’m sure you could make excuses that they didn’t come across well in an interview, but it’d only take one crabby cunt to make a complaint after realising you only employ men and you’re under investigation for being a bigot…

If you dont know who Michael Barrymore is, this won’t be all that funny but for all our British readers that do I thought I’d share this image I received in an email today seen as though he’s back in the spotlight again (cheers Dax)…