Be a sport.
Check it,
I’m no bitch-dude or shit but I fucking love to gossip. When one of my work “mates” drops a bollock, I’m the first to laugh then go tell everyone about it. If some guy gets taken in the office for a bollocking then I NEED an excuse to go in there…..and hang around a little…… and listen!…….then go tell everyone! Im not a gossip addict or anything but it just makes my work day a little more interesting and i’d like to think it makes me a little more interesting too. Probably not but, meh*!
This part of me is probably the reason why I also like to read tabloids. I feel better when I know whats going on in this crappy world around me. But rather than reading “floods hit the north”, which is a headline you may find in a broadsheet, I would rather read “water way to lose your possesions” which is a story you’d more than likely find in The Star or some shit. Both these stories will give the exact same infomation but the broadsheet will also tell you about stocks and shares whereas the tabloid will tell you about the biggest dog from Cambridgeshire that can make a cup of tea….kind of thing.
Now where I find tabloids entertaining, I find the Daily Sport stupid! Almost every single page has an advert on for phone sex on it, over half the pages have a set of tits on them and the “sport” section is only 6 pages of the 48 I have infront of me. It’s not a newspaper, it’s soft porn!
So why do I read it you ask? The answer lies in the funniest thing written outside of the Viz. It’s the page they call “Agony Angels” and it is the reader’s problems page.
Now before you start thinking The Daily Sport has a soft and caring side, let me just put forward my theory…..I think the letters are fake. Why, you ask? Let me show you some examples:
“…..The thing is, my husband is hung like a donkey. His penis is an eye watering 10 inches long….until you’ve had a monster cock like that inside you you have no idea…he pays particular attention to my 34DD breasts and my shaved pussy lips…it’s almost like being pleasured by a woman’s mouth and I should know as I once had a passionate lesbo fling”
Horse : ????????
“…My nuts are driving me nuts. One bollock is about twice the size of the other…women find them a turn off”
Horse : “wha….?”
” I caught my wife shagging our window cleaner…I was aroused as he f****d her…I tossed off as he nailed her…he spunked all over her face and tits…this happens every week now and my sex life with the wife has improved”
Horse : [slaps forehead] “oh dear…”
” I recently got ratted at a mate’s 30th party and ended up bedding his auntie. She’s a fat munter well into her 50s…before I knew it she was massaging my knackers…she took her teeth out and gave me a gobble…I ended up shafting her doggy style…”
Horse : [spits tea out onto paper] “Blimey”!
Do you see where i’m coming from? Who the fuck talks like that in real life, let alone when writing to a fucking problem page! There is not one letter that is a real problem, most of them are boasts and the replies from the “angels” themselves are amazing. Usually they will tell the guy to carry on his affair quietly or some shit. It’s laughable!
The main bit that really makes me laugh though is the language they use. My favourite examples include :
” searching out her love bucket”
“opened her thighs and let me see her lettuce”
“I was shocked to see her gaping snatch”
“I flipped her over and banged her up the tradesman’s”
Wicked! I don’t feel bad laughing at these problems because i’m quite sure they are really not true. I just feel jealous that some guy probably gets paid to sit at home scratching his balls and writing 6 of these things a day.
In no way am I trying to sell the Sport but I would really recommend you buy this paper just once and check these stories out. They certainly brighten up my day!
Til next time peeps,
H.
P.S- If any of you do have a problem, for god’s sake don’t write to the angels. Write to Horse and let me have a laugh….then go tell everyone else!
*meh - the noise me and Delmorpha make which is short for “give a shit”, “oh well”, or “never mind”.
