The Kaiser Chiefs are wank and are now officially off the artist roll call
Yes, you read correctly, the Kaiser Chiefs are wank and are now officially off the artist roll call forever. Not that they weren’t already a bag of shit, it’s just recently they confirmed their place in the realms of wankery for definite by allowing Take That to cover one of their songs.
Usually it works the other way round; a rock band would take a crappy and cheesy pop song and rock it up a little bit. Every rock band has done it, its almost an accepted rock cliché to do so but vice versa… a rock band allowing a has-been pop act to cover one of their more famous tracks.. that in my book, should be punishable by death… a Rock death of guitars fingers being curb stomped, singers voice boxes being pecked out by crows, drummers anally gang raped with metal Lighting Rods and the pièce de résistance, being pummelled to death by real Rock.
This post was set for last week when I had the misfortune of hearing Take That on Radio One cover Every Day I Love You Less And Less and by the end, as you can imagine, I was punching my ears from both sides just to stop the pain. What a fucking stinking pile of piss-ridden flaps that 4 minutes was…
Now I’ve seen the Kaiser Chiefs live… twice in fact*, and they have 4 songs of any credibility and the rest are shit. I honestly thought they were going to have to repeat songs for their live performance. I knew they were corporate through and through when I saw their advert for Employment tagged with “..every song could be a single!” - no word of a fucking lie, thats how that album was advertised in the UK. This all started after the 3rd single release and the Kaiser Hype was in full swing. I wondered how many morons would be tricked into buying another coaster for their collection after hearing that blatant lie.
But in any case, Take That could be just the start so I ask What Next…? Shania Twain sings Wait and Bleed by Slipknot in her bland yet melodic vocal stylings? Robbie Williams takes on Hangar 18 by MegaDeth and hums all 37 guitar solos? Maybe Moby could offer a whole new take on My Own Summer by the Deftones? No.. because if approached, each one of those bands would piss their sides laughing then say two words - “Get Fucked”.
I mean this cover, on Radio One no less, had to be authorised by the band on some level. Gary Barlow didn’t just pick up the guitar and start ad-libbing live… he’s certainly not that talented, having the intelligence to pick a guitar up in the first place would be an achievement for him after all. Some corporate stink nugget started the ball rolling at lunchtime over their Panini and Mocha and it shaped itself somehow into the turd that entered my ears.
One of two things happened… 1) The band knew nothing about it and their record label, MCA Music, Inc., allowed this or 2) the band authorised Take That to cover their track. Either way you look at it, its a pretty heinous crime and boycotting anything put out by MCA is a good start. Not so surprisingly, both bands are signed to the same label (Universal) so I can already see the story spun..
Corporate Slime : “We’ve been approached by Take That… they want to cover one of your tracks..”
Bilbo from KC : *Spits his low fat decaf mocha out a little* “What??”
CS : “Yeah, we’ve been approached by MCA… they say it’ll be good for everyone if you say yes… theres no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM’, Bilbo”
Bilbo : “But Take That are fucking shit… they’re has-beens the record label regurgitated in a vain attempt to make some money for the industry this year… if we let them cover one of the 4 tracks we actually wrote with the intentions of being good won’t that damage our image”
CS : “Shhh… someone might hear you… everyone knows the resurrection of Take That is purely for the fans who miss them *winks cunningly*.. and anyway, they’re very ‘now’… people like ‘now’ bands… look at the amazing things we did with Lily Allen and your song!”
Bilbo : “You know you tricked us into signing the release for her to cover that track…”
CS : “Haha… yeah… good times! Isn’t that a Three Headed Monkey???”
Bilbo : “Where???” *spins around*
CS : *Slips Rohypnol in Bilbos lame excuse for coffee* “Oh, sorry… my bad… that’s just Ant and Dec holding hands… aaaaaanyway, about Take That….”
Kaiser Chiefs… wank. MCA Music… wank. Take That… wank. Just one massive pile of wank really! 
