Dear The DJs of Radio One,

Could you please stop playing Plain White T’s Hey There Delilah AS SOON AS POSSIBLE PLEASE. Every time I hear this drivel I want to go outside and roundhouse kick a swan in the neck like I’m Chuck Norris. I want to help an old lady half way across the road and leave her to make the rest of the way when a bus is coming. I want to put a brick in a bag of puppies, tie it up and drop it in a river. I want to dig a hole on a field, put a land mine in there, then place a weighted £10 note on top of the filled hole and wait, watching until its pops like Malcolm from A Clockwork Orange. Are you getting me yet? This song makes me want to do bad things.

In the average working day you play many bad songs, but of all the offending items on the play list, this is by far the worst. I make my request for the safety of my work colleagues if nothing else. You see, its not my choice to listen to the radio else I would just turn it off, and my suggestion to change the station falls on deaf ears. Mostly I wish your radio station fell on my own deaf ears but being fully aural, even the voices in my own head are not loud enough to shout over this nonsense. I actually enjoy my hearing ability otherwise I might attempt a bit of home surgery with a knitting needle just to stop the pain.

Of the millions of bands in the waiting for their big break, how is as puerile a track as this on the A list of records played on Radio One? Plain White T’s track is as lyrically stimulating as a poem by Joey Deacon. In fact, the track itself could’ve been written by him, so please do check if his family are due any royalties. If not, please check the credits for Natasha Bedingfield; the banality of the track wreaks of her work.

For instance, the brilliant and extremely talented Biffy Clyro deserve all the air time they can get. My suggestion is that the next time you’re reaching for this turgid pile of faecal matter can you please snap the disc, throw it in the nearest bin and replace the track with something by them instead… not Folding Stars though, you already ruined that for me.

Yours looking for to a Plain White T’s free work day,
Delmorpha

http://delmorpha.com
Like an old person complaining, just younger and without the smell of piss…

p.s. If you could also keep both Sara “Common as Muck” Cox and Vernon “Smug Coathanger Mouthed Twat” Kay off the air as much as possible, that would also be great. Thanks!

I drafted this email to Radio Ones DJs in my lunchbreak today but didn’t get chance to finish it and click send. I might do it tomorrow.. who knows…

Any suggestions/modifications before I do are more than welcome…

I asked my girlfriend this over MSN and it led to a discussion I felt the need to blog about.. I’ve been busy with other side projects so I’m trying to keep my head out of the papers, knowing if I do read the news, I’ll just get pissed off and have to write an article about how obvious things like the lack of a male role model will cause children to lead into gangs is. The trouble is today I realised I’m stuck in another job I’m going to quit soon at the rate things are going at the moment and the question popped out in our conversation so I felt the urge to dissect it.

I’ve had, in fairness, 5 actual jobs since 2001, so its not so bad; it’s just I’ve been in and out of 2 of those companies and they welcome me back to fill the gaps, so people generally think I’ve had more jobs than I have. There’s a definite correlation between jobs and relationship mentality going on… I’ve just been turning the bonus nights you sometimes have with an ex into a 6 month ‘relationship’ whilst I hunt out my next shithole..

Theres a few things I can’t work out. Do I just love the honeymoon period of a new job and once the initial good times are over do I just get bored and start making excuses because I’m afraid to stick a job out, or are the jobs actually that shitty after the grace period is over?

I know I did something along those lines when I worked at Rockstar but is it fair to now tar every job I have with that brush just because at the time I didn’t want to be pushing 60 hours+ a week and felt my time was better spent elsewhere? Is it because of my boyish idiocy I now compare every job to that one and because they don’t live up to it, do I now worm out of crappy “job” jobs or am I afraid to miss out on another Golden Job so that when I get to a stage where I’m ready to realise the potential road of a job its not one I want to be heading down and I feel I better not? Do I just have bad luck with companies or is it just I pick shitty jobs that are bad for me?!

I guess my biggest fear on this front is that the culmination of my lifes work is going to be a length of time with a load of short roads coming out of it, like a squished millipede if you will, the body being my life road and each flattened leg being a short journey of working I’ve been down.

My lifestyle and habit with jobs has had some perks. I mean how many 25 year olds can say they’ve been to China and Hong Kong on business, worked in Korea as a teacher and worked for one of the most controversial video games publishers of all time. I’ve also met some awesome people along the way, including one of only a handful of people I would consider in my circle of Best Friends, who probably knows me as well as anyone thanks to the 6 months we spent together day in day out.

The trouble is, given such a diverse and interesting career history, most new jobs have a hard time living up to my past and subsequently I end up hating them. For instance working as a teacher was arguably a great job because I only ever did about 25 hours a week of actual work, taking home money than I currently earn before tax. The rest of a 9:30-5:30 day was preparation time (or surfing the internet as it was otherwise known). The downsides of working with bastard kids in a shitty Hogwan franchise (Wonderland) and a bunch of dickhead Koreans are now a long gone memory.

And therein lies the other problem; why is it that memories are always brighter than their reality? We never remember the shitty stuff as being so damn awful! I just have to read through my Yahoo blog for 30 seconds and I can see how much I fucking hated most of the job as a teacher, but for some reason in my head all I can remember is the smiley faces of the good kids, the great disposable income I had out there, the awesome times and the easy working hours! Kids like “Dan-Hell” and that asshole kid with the one massive tooth are long since forgotten, as is how much we had to put up with from the director and that cunt Kim.

Another demon is I’ve been stung badly by staying in a job too long because I felt I should rather than what was good for me and almost bankrupted myself in the process. Not only has it hurt any jobs I have in the future, I’m now also very tentative of starting up on my own again. I’m in the process of saving up to have another crack at it, hopefully the next time I won’t get royally fucked over by an arsehole partner (because I won’t have one) but it’s certainly set me back a few years.

Well, I’ve gone the long way around telling you that I want to quit another job anyway. Thanks to the bank fees back, and the little confidence booster I got on Friday helping someone out, I’m going to start pulling together the materials and advertising campaign I’m going to need for my PC home help I tried to start but got dragged into becoming an IT Bitch elsewhere.

Some people make bad decisions in relationships, others with their finances… my downfall… I make shitty decisions when it comes down to my career and how I want to make money in my life. Addressing the fact that I fucking hate working in the first place might be a good place to start for the future…….

On a side note it will mean no more free advice off me when it comes to your PC.. you know who you are!

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Its been a while since I updated you on how people are getting to the site… as I mentioned, its largely because I’ve been hoping the Gay Community would leave me alone, but like flies to shit, I attract homosexuality… so rather than spit the dummy out, I’m embracing my masculinity and I’m just going to continue my parade of the weird ways they come to the site… I think its a funny feature that I’ve been missing! This is The Gayest Blog in the World after all…

Webalizer stats for August

Top Overall Google Searches

Top 20 for my overall Google is still looking pretty porntastic. Gay Cock Fuckers and Naked Vixens are still front page titles. My Wii advise for the 52130 Wii error post is still going strong… it was afterall, a pretty good fix to something Nintendo are too dumb to write about themselves.

Lol… I feel kind of bad to take over the number 1 spot in the search for Stupidfuckingcustomers - I am their number one fan but seriously, they should be top of Google for their own website really… sorry Phorenzik!

Funny Google Searches that aren’t in the Top 20

(from google.com.au)
Australians love their cock fuckers apparently…

(from google.it)
Italians think delmorpha.com is the shizzu! At least we’re popular somewhere…

(from google.co.uk)
I’m glad to see if you’re looking for information on Alison Jack, the fucking cunt behind Defend Lytham, you find my article about her being a Beautiful South fan in the number one spot. People should be made aware of that before they start banging on about Lytham Quays… that project was going to be awesome and her army of whiteheads ruined it…

..and Awesomeness that I hate Natasha Bedingfield bags us a number 4 spot on Google. I had the misfortune of seeing the first moments of her video diary on You Tube the other week and I almost tried to “knock out” my monitor it made me that angry. I wouldn’t mind but I was tricked into viewing it! It was in the featured downloads section and made no reference to horseface at all… wankers!

At the moment I properly hate my job. I’m just one of these people that will never be happy whilst I’m working for someone else, but for now I’m too financial unstable to justify quitting and starting on my own, so I’m saving up and preparing for the leap into self employment. In the mean time I have to put up with the shit involved with working for someone you really think is a cunt, whilst they patronise you day in, day out and suck you off enough to keep you in the position they rape your talents with, paying you just enough to keep you coming back for more but not enough to make you like the job or feel appreciated. I’m no different from most people, I’m just an angrier bastard…

I’m especially angry at the minute because I’m feeling used and abused. I put in for a holiday 3 weeks ago… just a long weekend of 4 days at their convenience. Given that once every 3 weeks I work the weekend too, I didn’t think it’d be too much to ask but nooo…… its fucking bullshit… and STILL my request has been completely ignored!

Given the shit content of my blog over the previous week (yes, I’ve had to rely on stupid links to external material which I hate doing to provide you something to read!), I’m sure you guys are pissed off too… its directly linked to actually having to work my bollocks off at work, then being too knackered to sit in front of another PC in the evenings. At least the 360 achievement points are racking up, or they would be if Blue Dragon wasn’t such a stingy cunt with its points…. Blue Dragon, 10 hours in… 10 points…. Viva Piñata… 4-8 hours playing… 220 points… Guitar Heroes 2… Completed medium tour in a few hours… 210 points… it makes no sense!!

Anyway… here are 5 things I hate about my job:

1. The shitty fucking hours
My day is 8:30am until 5:30pm… and it doesn’t stop there. Most nights I then get to take the support phone home and have the potential to have to answer it until 6:30pm. If I have, I can also receive calls as early as 7am, which I’m required to answer. If you’re enough of a cunt to call me pre 8am, expect a shit load of abuse…

2. Being on call at weekends for shit money
It’s built into my job that once a month I’m on call. We’ve lost an engineer recently so not only is there more work to do in the office, most of the time the work spills in the weekend. This means my previous 5 phonecall weekend is now actually me working for 2 days for £50. I’d get more money for 5 minutes work sucking off an old man, and the after-taste would be half as disgusting…

3. Wiping peoples arses, day in, day out
I’ve already posted on this but it still reigns true.. working in IT Support is the Bottom Scraping of Computing. I was tricked into believing my job would be more exciting than it is, with the promise of mainly Software Engineering tasks, but that was a lie. Yes, I’ve had the occasional fun project to do, like writing a USB Proximity Card reader, but mostly I’ve been wiping the arses of the idiots we support.. that’s certainly not what I signed up for!

4. Being the subject of peoples abuse all day long
Most of our clients are fuckings douchebags for the same reason.. they ring up and give us shit because something isn’t working, without realising it’s something they’ve done to cause the problem. If anything, we should be mad with them for breaking the systems we put in place. People never ring my number with good news any more, its always to report problems. The problem is the human operator. Eradicate that “bug” and my job is dandy…

5. Having to be polite to morons
By now, I hope you’ve realised, I’m not the nicest of people to fucking idiots. 99% of the time if I think you’re a cunt, you’re going to know about it within the first 5 seconds of talking to me. If you’re out and about and minding your own business and being a cunt, I’m still going to let you about it; I feel it’s why I was put on this Earth at times.

So, with that in mind, you can probably appreciate why I’m not the best choice when answering the phone to be greeted with an imbecilic problem caused by your own stupidity. I find myself biting my tongue, screaming “fucking arsehole” after putting the phone down and generally being a bubbling mass of hate throughout the day. It’s not good for my tormented soul.

Yet, throughout all this, I still make time to blog… if I didn’t, I’d be driving up to some of our clients with a baseball bat and a canister of petrol some days, not the tools I require to fix their computers….

If you didn’t already know, and haven’t yet got me a fucking awesome present, my 25th birthday is fast approaching so I’ve been looking at what new game I can treat myself with when I spot yet another EA franchise for probably the most retarded sport in the entire history of humanity…. no, not Australian Rules Football.. I’m referring to the “sport” of NASCAR.

NASCAR is one of the biggest symbols of American disregard for the planet, arrogance and Redneck stupidity there is. I mean where else would you find a sport that wastes 2 million gallons of fuel in an average season by going around an oval shaped track with no controls on the emissions using leaded petrol!

I mean, for fucks sake… its 2007. We have just about worked out that the petrol engine is capable of sustaining high constant speed for 500 laps without blowing up, so how is NASCAR still allowed to kill the planet with its circling stupidity? If you find watching this shit interesting, might I suggest you paint a fence once a week and sit watching it dry with a few beers? Same Great Entertainment and the planet might still have fossil fuel in 50 years! Everyones a winner!

Or, you can now get yourself an Xbox 360 and get the all new NASCAR 08 from EA!

Talk about cashing in on the same fucking game, this must be the pinnacle of regurgitating the same shit, year after year… a NASCAR title from EA with Real Stars, Teams and Franchises! Surely there can’t be people stupid enough to buy this turd every year because “Randy Redneck” joined Corvette and he’s their favourite driver ever? Or is it that this year your car is capable of doing 192.3 mph and that extra 0.3 miles an hour will make this game “the best game yet”?

I mean its not like you’re going to get any new tracks either! Just that same stupid oval they have for every one of the 39 tracks in the game!! Broken joypad that only has left as a working direction? No problem! Every corner is fucking left! NASCAR 08 is the game for you my friend!

Most driving games have a selection of high performance cars to drive. NASCAR 08 takes the thought process away, with every car being the same ass-looking piece of shit with a different colour paint job with the same handling, same performance and same acceleration. I mean, after all, colour (yes, that’s right… it has a ‘u’) is the important factor when choosing a car to win a race with.

Anyone thinking of calling me a “fag” because I don’t like NASCAR, might I recommend you take a look at the world we live and shutting your fucking mouth. Personally, my idea of a race isn’t to be the first to complete a ridiculous number of laps of a uniform track with nothing to test your ability as a driver, wasting the planets resources just because you “can”. Forget your arrogance for just a brief moment and open your mind up to the possibility that a “sport” where cars can do a right turn too and actually need to use the other features modern motor cars have, like brakes and a steering wheel, might be more of a race… F1 perhaps (at a push), or my own favourite, Rally.

Civilisation makes great advances when it is faced with challenges.. the challenge of driving in a circle is one we should’ve banished from the planet a long fucking time ago! NASCAR sucks, and a game about NASCAR by EA… well, that’s going to suck harder than Lindsay Lohan auditioning for her next movie role!