So I’ve got a small cock, and…
Get this,
I’m watching a programme about a week back called “embarrassing illnesses” or some shit which shows people with scurvy, rickets and the clap and shit like that and basically shows the viewers what the symptoms are, etc.
Some of the fucked up wrong that has actually been shown on the show can make ya wanna puke. Ya know, toes falling off and swollen knackers and shit. But last week there was actually a guy on the show with something I think I have.
* NOTE - Horse is not about to fly into a torrent of evil describing his bum problems again. Please do not change channel if you are queasy. The following is not going to get gory. Thank you, and please enjoy the rest of the feature post… *
Some of the cases start with a patient sitting in the doctor’s room describing their problem, much like any Joe Public would do when visiting the Doc. I feel I must also point out that the Doctor is actually a qualified General Practitioner, not an internet Doctor like that goofy biddy, Gillian MacKieth, who got her degree off the internetz. The patient will then say something like ” Well, one of my pissflaps has fallen off doctor” then the camera will zoom in on the said fanny flap and the Doctor will then explain that the patient has Wizardsleeveitis and she will soon have a cock and balls….or something like that anyway, just some actual real illness.
So this old fella is sat at the Doctor’s table and he explains, in a quiet way (which ya fucking would) that he can take a piss nice and easy apart from when he’s in a public toilet in the presence of someone else. The dude can’t piss in front of other guys!
I start laughing at this point, because I know exactly what the problem is - I have the exact same thing myself!
The Doc chirps up, fingers together, head nodding, “sir, you have paruresis, or ’shy bladder syndrome”.
My laughing stops. What the Fuck did he say?
“You share your problem with millions of men all over the world and it is very common. It can be called ‘pee-shyness’ and is, basically, when your urethra retracts when you are in other company because of the tension of knowing it’s going to happen so it makes it virtually impossible to urinate”
The look on my face was probably the same as what it would be like if I was working in a drive thru with a faulty speaker-phone and my received order was something like ” can I have 3………macs with……….portions of…………and four large…………barbecue, sweet and sour……….milkshake” I was confused to say the least.
This is because I never knew there was such a problem, let alone one that millions of guys suffered from. Remember before when I was laughing because I knew what the problem was?? Well my problem is that i’ve got a tiny prick and when I have to get it out infront of other guys for a piss, the very fear of them seeing it and laughing or pissing on my shoes scares me into just freezing and standing with my cock in my hands thumb and fore-finger until a) I’m on my own and the river runneth free, or b) I just spit in the trough a few times then zip up and walk out looking relieved like I’ve just taken a good piss. That’s the way I’ve been for as long as I can remember.
I may have considered going to the surgery myself in the past but instead of the above scenario with the gentle old chap at the desk, it would have been Horse….
H : “Doctor, I have a rather embarrassing problem, see when I’m in the company of others, I can’t seem to be able to take a slash…not even a dribble”
At this point, Horse’s doctor would not have kindly mentioned ’shy bladder syndrome’ he would have said ” come on then lad, let’s take a look at your member”
I would undo my belt, pull down my pants and undies and stand uncomfortably while the doctor put on his stronger glasses and puts his hand over his mouth…before breaking into a FUCK OFF GUFFAW and asking the receptionist to come in and check this excuse for a man hood out.
Doc : “I know what your problem is boy, PURE FUCKING EMBARRASMENT! You’ve got a tiny prick!! HA HA, just look at it. Your pubes are fucking longer than ya wand! Get out of my office you Fucking eunuch and stop wasting my Fucking time!!!”.
That’s why I didn’t mention it…
So if there is anyone out there looking for the cure for paruresis, the Doctor says this can easily be cured through simple counselling. Please see you G.P for help in finding the right people to talk too. You will soon be full of toilet confidence.
As for my problem, may I suggest page 38 of July’s edition of sex toys monthly…item 6, the ‘thimble penis pump’….or a dyson! Both work as well!
Til next time peeps,
H.
