Horse, Dax and the Gay Lord Toys package
It started with a package for cat food to a Mr D Ogbuma on my doorstep one morning and escalated to a hysterical trip to the post office for a third party. Let me tell you the story of a company called Gaylord Toys and the rather embarrassing packaging they use on their products.
One Saturday morning there’s a rather unusual package on our doorstep (considering at the time we had no cat). Its cat food complements of Whiskers addressed to Mr D Ogbuma. Mother Fucking Dax… the bastards been signing me up for junk mail again.
A group of us once did this to a guy in high school we absolutely hated, spending 3 weeks collecting any freepost bumf we could, then an afternoon filling them into the cocksuckers address and staggering their postage over the following weeks so on any given day he might have junk mail to a Mr C Ocksmoker. We had about 200 in the end and never did here anything as to whether or not he did get a deluge of crap through his door. I like to think so!
Anyway, I digress. I got the idea from a website that offered a number of different comedy designs and would send an appropriate and embarrassing package for a small fee by recorded delivery so they would have to sign for it, much to their horror. The best plan was advised to send it on a weekday when they’re at work so they have to go to the Post Office Depot with eager eyes, only to get ridiculed by the posties and much laughter.
Working for a design and print house I was more than capable of designing my own embarrassing package, one that was even worse than the ones from the website. I wanted something so gay he would have to mince out of town. I decided I was going to put the items in a jiffy bag with something that resembled a dildo or buttplug inside. A lucozade bottle emulated a butt plug perfectly!
As you will see from the packaging its quite convincing the company could be legitimate, if not a little crude in their advertising campaign!
Well, I printed two of these as I was that proud of them, and figured if I was going to have to take them to the Post Office and dispatch them, I may as well do more than one. One went to Dax and another to Phil (yes, our very own Horse!). I chose a Post Office I never use and I’m glad I did. I almost bottled posting them too, the guy was a hard face old cunt and I knew he wasn’t going to see the funny side, perhaps punching me for being gay/abusing his beloved postal service. He didn’t, he processed them without even making eye contact, not questioning why there were no addresses on the back of the Recorded Delivery slips.
And then all I could do was wait for the phone call. One disappointing, one fucking hilarious, but again, this is Horse were talking about.
First, Daxs package had a disappointing ending. The fucking chump postman decided to leave his parcel in the garage and a note to say he had through his door. Cunt must’ve signed for it himself on the paperwork too. Dax rang me up to thank him for the package but my plan had failed… but only this one had!
Phil, unable to collect the package himself, sent his blissfully unaware sister. Arriving at the depot and presenting the slip to the clerk, he returned an awkward glance at the name and sniggered. Obviously confused she just stood there and waited as the Post Office staff took it in turns to peek their heads around to the door laughing. Eventually one of them returned with the package to her horror. Phil swiftly received a rather abusive phone call and moments later I received the rather amusing tale of his sister’s visit to the Post Office.
And here it is… the offending article:
Feel free to use it if you want - I recommend Registered Post too, at least that way the twats at the Post Office can’t leave it somewhere else you can claim £1000 compensation. My only stipulation is you leave my URL in the senders address area, and tell the person you send it to about this website… anything to increase the hate mail base! 
