LOLcats are awesome… no doubt about that. I ran into icanhascheezburger.com today whilst waiting for some stupid work to upload and the following pictures made my “frown turn upside down” so I thought I’d share.
…and the best on the site…
That face is excellent!
I’m back working now, so Iz baks wif ve frownz…
I fucking hate old people at the best of times but impatient old cunts do my tree in. Why is it that old people pick the most illogical moments to try and shave minutes off their day!?
A prime example of this was this morning. We have what’s known as “The Scolder” in our tea room at work; a instant boil water machine that likes to spit from the sides even with the most tentative of touches. Well I fucking”learned” this biddy good this morning (sic).. stupid cow!
So I’m minding my own business as I do, trying to avoid any contact with any dumb fuck first thing in the morning so as to not have to punish them with a mouthful of abuse and this arrogant old bitch pushes passed me and starts washing cups, blatantly in the way. If I was sat down, it would’ve been the equivalent of someone just sitting down on top of you. Mid-afternoon I might have let this slide, but this morning I wasn’t in the mood…
I angled the cup in her general direction and whacked the hot tap onto full. The result being practically boiling water splashed over her hands and as she winced in pain, I say “Oh, sorry… I didn’t realise you were you were there”. I turned back, filled my cups and walked off. Fucking biddy loser… have some of that!
What is it about being old that makes you believe that everyone should give you instant respect and move out of your way. Maybe 10 years ago you could almost guarantee the old fucker had something to do with the war and perhaps had it “hard”, but this generation of Silver Surfers are actually too young to command instant respect. They were children of the war, not the fighters who risked their lives to protect our freedom. Anyone younger than 80 is now too young to have had any direct influence or served in the military… i.e. 18 years old in 1945 and even then they’dve had a pretty short innings.
My philosophy has always been you have to earn respect with me, no matter who you are. Just because you’re old doesn’t mean you can be a cunt and you deserve respect because of your weathered face.
And while I’m on the subject, why are you trying to shave seconds off stupid things like this when you drive everywhere at 22mph, insist on cashing your giro still at the post office because you “don’t trust them banks” and repeating day after day that things aren’t as good as they used to be. The reason things arn’t as good is because they’ve moved on to better things and support for the things you used to do has gone. Things are actually better than they used to be, its just you’re stuck in the past… you old fucks…
Biddies… can’t live with them (smell of piss), can’t kill them (damn euthanasia laws) can’t leave them to wither in an old folks home (costs too much). All you can hope for is a cold snap this winter… 
It started with a package for cat food to a Mr D Ogbuma on my doorstep one morning and escalated to a hysterical trip to the post office for a third party. Let me tell you the story of a company called Gaylord Toys and the rather embarrassing packaging they use on their products.
One Saturday morning there’s a rather unusual package on our doorstep (considering at the time we had no cat). Its cat food complements of Whiskers addressed to Mr D Ogbuma. Mother Fucking Dax… the bastards been signing me up for junk mail again.
A group of us once did this to a guy in high school we absolutely hated, spending 3 weeks collecting any freepost bumf we could, then an afternoon filling them into the cocksuckers address and staggering their postage over the following weeks so on any given day he might have junk mail to a Mr C Ocksmoker. We had about 200 in the end and never did here anything as to whether or not he did get a deluge of crap through his door. I like to think so!
Anyway, I digress. I got the idea from a website that offered a number of different comedy designs and would send an appropriate and embarrassing package for a small fee by recorded delivery so they would have to sign for it, much to their horror. The best plan was advised to send it on a weekday when they’re at work so they have to go to the Post Office Depot with eager eyes, only to get ridiculed by the posties and much laughter.
Working for a design and print house I was more than capable of designing my own embarrassing package, one that was even worse than the ones from the website. I wanted something so gay he would have to mince out of town. I decided I was going to put the items in a jiffy bag with something that resembled a dildo or buttplug inside. A lucozade bottle emulated a butt plug perfectly!
As you will see from the packaging its quite convincing the company could be legitimate, if not a little crude in their advertising campaign!
Well, I printed two of these as I was that proud of them, and figured if I was going to have to take them to the Post Office and dispatch them, I may as well do more than one. One went to Dax and another to Phil (yes, our very own Horse!). I chose a Post Office I never use and I’m glad I did. I almost bottled posting them too, the guy was a hard face old cunt and I knew he wasn’t going to see the funny side, perhaps punching me for being gay/abusing his beloved postal service. He didn’t, he processed them without even making eye contact, not questioning why there were no addresses on the back of the Recorded Delivery slips.
And then all I could do was wait for the phone call. One disappointing, one fucking hilarious, but again, this is Horse were talking about.
First, Daxs package had a disappointing ending. The fucking chump postman decided to leave his parcel in the garage and a note to say he had through his door. Cunt must’ve signed for it himself on the paperwork too. Dax rang me up to thank him for the package but my plan had failed… but only this one had!
Phil, unable to collect the package himself, sent his blissfully unaware sister. Arriving at the depot and presenting the slip to the clerk, he returned an awkward glance at the name and sniggered. Obviously confused she just stood there and waited as the Post Office staff took it in turns to peek their heads around to the door laughing. Eventually one of them returned with the package to her horror. Phil swiftly received a rather abusive phone call and moments later I received the rather amusing tale of his sister’s visit to the Post Office.
And here it is… the offending article:
Feel free to use it if you want - I recommend Registered Post too, at least that way the twats at the Post Office can’t leave it somewhere else you can claim £1000 compensation. My only stipulation is you leave my URL in the senders address area, and tell the person you send it to about this website… anything to increase the hate mail base!
I rather foolishly gave Nik Naks a second chance this lunchtime, this time Rib N Saucy… and the result is another letter.
Delmorpha
UKKP Snacks,
Freepost (LE6531)
P.O. Box No 4
Ashby De La Zouch
Leics.
LE65 1NZ18th June 2007
Dear KP Snacks,
Enclosed is a half eaten bag of Rib ‘N’ Saucy Nik Naks. It is half eaten because I couldn’t bring myself to finish another bag of 50% Less Saturated Fat Nik Naks.
Rather foolishly I decided to give your Same Great Taste Promise another chance, as I felt I may have been a little harsh with my previous letter. It would seem I was very, VERY right…
Rather than overpowering my mouth like an anal assault in a prison shower as the Nice ‘N’ Spicy did, these are blander than an evening of Songs of Praise hosted by Terry Wogan. Now that would be pretty bland.
In replacement, nuts seem the way forward from KP. Nuts and only nuts. Nature can do the hard part for you there, just try to leave them alone in the processing.
Please feel free to try the enclosed corn snack to verify my claim, I don’t have cooties and my fingers were clean at the time of eating.
Yours Sincerely,
Delmorpha
I pictured my letter as before, I just need to find my damn cable and I’ll upload the “evidence”. I’m still awaiting for a response at the moment to my first letter… I have a feeling KP are going to politely tell me to “fuck off” now, aren’t they!
