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Before I start I’ll say I have never read a Harry Potter book. This isn’t because I’m some illiterate moron, its because its a childrens’ book and of all the millions of publications there are in the world, writings about a preteen wizard and his douchebag friends, riding “brooms” and casting spells isn’t high on my own personal must-read list. For all I know Harry Potter and the Gang Rape of Classmates might be the best series of books in the history of mankind. I really couldn’t give two fucks..

What also puts me off are the constant barrowing of retarded comments I have, filling my hump of hate, from people who have read the books and go on to talk about how good they are compared to the films… blah blah blah blah fucking blah. My usual response is “Oh reeeeeeeeally, well have you read 1984 by George Orwell…? Now thats a good book”… 99% of the time they’ll crawl off, back to their cozy little kids book and leave you the fuck alone, dejecting their opinions on the literary works of humanity into the realms of the third grade reading level their initial response displayed.

So, in any case, I’m not here to spoil the book for you if that’s what you were thinking/hoping for. What I am here to do is to say the biggest potential spoiler to the Harry Potter series is…………

……

….

J K Rowling.

Why? Well, as she sits pretty on the £540 Million pounds shes made in writing the Potter series, the publishers sit on a whole lot more. She’s sold around 340 Million books which works out at about £1.60 after tax per book. Well done, in fairness, that’s a pretty astonishing task for a once single mother on benefits.. it doesn’t justify the rest of them sitting around doing fuck all, but in any case, it’s a rather impressive. The difference in Rowlings case is she was actually well educated before ending up on benefits but its never the context the press like to use this statement in, as they paint a rose tinted view on the potential to turn your life upside down if you end up in this scenario.

Anyway, she has the power to make the Potter series immortal, or shatter it into a tepid puddle of afterbirth if she “picks up the pen” again.

And you know the publishers want it, I mean take the RRP for Deathly Hallows. Its £17.99! I just paid about that for Blue Dragon on Xbox 360 and thats easily 60 hours of entertainment, took a production team of 50 guys 18 months to develop and translate to English and won’t sell 1/10th of the total copies this book will! Talk about an obvious statement of the greed and capitalism behind publishers of other peoples art!

I know Tescos might be selling it at £8.87 but thats only because they buy direct, and buy a million copies so can afford to sell it at a few pounds a book profit just to get you down to the megastore to buy the book, and the late night nibbles and caffeinated beverages to keep you going as you read the latest tales of late night hand jobs at Hogwarts thus bumping their total profit off the book up. But if it wasn’t for them, the additional profits would be spilt between all the little maggots, their dark souls content whilst they pore over the figures to look where they can make their next dollar from and you’d be paying the full RRP.

In any case, the ball lies in J K Rowlings court on whether or not to destroy the Potter name by bowing to the requests to write “something new”… I can almost hear their pleas. “Oh JK, you’re so talented, you owe it to the world, and to the children… oh think of the children you’ve helped.. they now read JK, do you know what that means… your writing brings so much joy and by starting something else you can begin a whole new cycle of bliss and learning…”. When she does the right thing and tells them to “get fucked”, they’ll step it up a gear, offering her more money. With £540 Million + whatever this book nets her, she should once again use the term “get fucked” to more cash.

Stage three will be the bargaining by using cash and children together, with a bit of world peace and helping children in third world countries. Eventually, with enough pictures of starving children with flies around their heads and pot bellies, she’ll buckle and start writing some turgid set of short stories but because her brains so full of Potter, the concept of writing anything other than he is alien and ultimately leads back in that direction. Before you know it, shes then writing a fucking prequel and the Potter fans rejoice in another dose of their boy wonder. The movie industry would love that too, allowing them to replace Daniel Radcliffe, and his now subject to immediate change teenage body, with an actual boy, allowing them to once again cash in. Everyone happy, even me for a change, because I can then say once again, I fucking told you so!

So as much as I don’t want to read the Potter books, I set this challenge. If, in 18 months from now, JK Rowling hasn’t put pen to paper and started to process of writing something new, including if it is in theory or discussed as a set plan, I will actually stop being a book snob, ignore the bovine opinion on these books and actually read then review them, one by one. If, however, she does start the process of writing something new, in any way, I will buy steal a copy of each book and burn them, ridding the world of one piece of capitalist bullshit from someone who is no longer bothered about getting kids to read, but shown her true colours by turning the wheel of consumer greed and feeding that beast by starting something evil.

The moment this blog was posted began the start of the ending period of having to hear peoples stupid remarks about this series. Unfortunately I think we have 1 or 2 films left to go, but the general consensus on those is they’re usually piss poor so my mood is generally good. Unless theres a sex scene with whoever the female character is in this new book, the male fans of the series can rest in the thoughts they’re never going to get to see the actress who plays her naked on screen in these films and also shut the fuck up about her being “hot” too… awin-win all round!

I f you’ve finished the Potter series and are distraught that its the last book “ever”, don’t fucking phone Childline on 0800 1111, you fucking pussy sap fuck…. just buy another book! There are millions of great books out there, millions I tell thee!!! Might I suggest you start with Mein Kampf… now thats a fucking awesome read!