delmorpha.com

Not to rip off the very funny responses by our friend Dr Hock to the morons who write to him on eGay, but I just blitzed across there to check my progress to be greeted by this shower of shite:

Hi, friends
Nice to meet you .
First of all,let me introduce our company.We are an electronic instruments wholesaler.This is our website online-elecshop.cock. We sell most of our products at low competitive prices. At the same time, they are all in high quality.All them comes with 1 year international warranty.
We mainly sell ps3,mobile,gps,digital camera,hd tv,ipods,and so on.
They are all brand new, and they are all sealed in the originaln boxes.
They all have multi-languages for the menu and in the instruction, such as english, french, spanish.,italian, german,and so on.
If you are interest in some of them or want to know more information, please contact us through our email ,msn or telephone:
MSN:onlin-elecshop2@hotmail.com
E-mail:onlin-elecshop22@hotmail.com

I’ve added the fucklords actual email address because I want him to die in a shower of Spam, but this was my actual response:

Why don’t you just get fucked… thats right… FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU SPAMMING CUNTS, I HOPE YOU DIE IN A FIRE…

Sorry, was that rude? Kind of like unwanted Spam advertising really… oh, and I checked out your website… did a 12 year old do it for you? It fucking sucks.

Fucking cock… spam me will ya? I have the whole Internetz behind me… you don’t know who you’re messing with!

Jesus fucking Christ… can we not let sleeping dogs lye in this god forsaken World or what?! First, with the reunion of Take That, you knew the Mainstream of music was taking a dive and were fucked in the creativity department of pop culture at the moment, but todays announcement at 12pm will see the Gates of Hell open and all that remains of the credibility of the Record Industries stance on piracy and supporting the artists crumbles away.

Todays announcement is what modern music is about; Guaranteed Cash Cows. . Their stance will probably be along the lines of “If we didn’t have piracy, we wouldn’t have to dig up hacks like the Spice Girls and fuck their metaphorical corpses for every last penny we can and would be able to support new music”. Well fuck the mainstream music industry, and fuck the Spice Girls.

Its fucking pitiful and every penny they make off this barrel scraping reunion should go to charity if they had souls. Not one of those cunts needs more money, not one of them is doing it to inject the music industry with some fresh, new creative juices, this is The Man through and through… Satan fucking each one of them in the ass, twiddling His thumbs deciding on which other has-beens to resurrect next (please God, not New Kids On The Block… please…no…..)

Unfortunately for the Third World, this reunion just means another Ferarri for some Simon Cowell type cunt in the music industry, probably with a pretentious little pony tail and a goatee and “high fives” all round. Probably.

And unfortunately for you and me, its going to mean the dredging up of turgid Spice Girls records on the radio, a Greatest Hits CD advertised on TV (Third edition.. Im sure the Record Industry has a factory load of them they’re going to relabel stored somewhere), Music Videos played day after day and their tracks played non-stop at discos, parties and nightclubs with your douchebag uncle dancing like someone doused in petrol and auditioning for their life as you smoke a cigarette waiting to flick… again, probably…

What next for the Industry? Perhaps we need to dig up Kurt Cobain and resurrect the only good thing to come out of the 90s.. unfortunately his rotten corpse will be slightly harder to bring back to life than the Spice Girls but I’m sure with the mastery the Music Industry, and the promise of more cash, you’ll be able to do it and sell the “Grunge Look” again by dressing his bones in Charity Shop clothing. Hell, knowing the industry they’ll probably get that whiny piece of shit from Puddle of Mudd to pretend to be Kurt (not that he’s not already doing that) and say that the shotgun wound wasn’t fatal and he’s been in hiding ever since. He’s now back, but with an all new mainstream approach to music…

5 acts that are probably thinking of a Comeback thanks to the reunion of the Spice Girls but their Ex is probably thinking “Fuck off”

1. All Saints - The Spice Girls arch enemy must be set for a return. Unlike Take Thats rivals, East 17, they were squeaky clean and not addicted to crack. In the later days I’m sure one of them got their wabs out in some “arty” film but I’m sure they’ll still be good for a comeback tour. (edit - apparently All Saints did reform in 2006 and flopped miserably, their last release this year got to 256 in the charts! It must’ve sold all of 50 copies!)

2. Andrew Ridgeley of Wham - He’ll probabaly forgive Georges antics in toilets to bring back Wham, unfortuantely for Andrew, George is more interested in chomping cock than making shitty pop music, and good for him.

3. TLC - Fortunately Lisa “the pirate” Left-Eye Lopes is dead, but this won’t be stopping the music industries brain thinking of a compassionate tribute reunion for the umpteenth time. They’ll draft in some other patch wearing freak, Gabrielle perhaps, she’s done fuck all recently and would love another crack…

4. Jim Corr - Irish spirit, commerical image, Incest - The Corrs had it all. Squirrel faced, token male Jim must be rubbing his hands together at the prospect of sleeping with his sisters on the tour bus again.. pocket wanking whilst they change… the friggin’ perv…

5. Boyzone - I bet every time Westlife release another number one, Ronan “Gayboy” Keating thinks “That should’ve been us” then kills another small woodland creature with a hammer. You know when that guy dies they’re going to find the scalps of children in his attic - anyone that squeaky clean is hiding a dark, dark secret. Anyway, the record industry must be waiving ever increasing piles of cash in front of these mother fuckers, or at least Ronan, the rest of them are probably alcoholics and suck cock for coke. Eventually, Boyzone will be making a return… maybe to brawl with Westlife in an Oasis Vs Blur style rumble… now that would be entertaining…

I thought before that I didn’t mention Sky buckled to my request and hounding for my free Sky+ box so I caved and sold my soul to them unfortunately… normally I’m a man of principals but when DSL alone is £24 and my Sky package, free Sky+ box and subscription is £31 a month, the extra £7 a month seems well spent…. dirty, but not a bad deal given the market choice…

Well, who’dve knew that the installation of a satellite dish would’ve caused World War 3 on our street… again, thanks to some moaning old bitch. This is fast becoming Biddy Hate Month.

So we had the sky man arrive and I told him roughly where I wanted the dish and to get on with whilst I headed home. I arrive into the cul-de-sac to see two vans; one Sky, one a suspect Black van. We think the black van may have been a TV Licensing van, and if it was, it was really, really subtle… like a Flowers By Irene van in a cheap movie stakeout (we may or may not have had a TV license until 2pm today ).

The engineers just about finished and I get a rather worrying phone call from Sky. Apparently a woman called Maurine was on the other line demanded that they stop the installation and that my sky subscription should be cancelled immediately. Fortunately not bowing to random crazy women, Sky politely quoted the Data Protection Act and told her to “get fucked”. They had to ring me to relay the information in any case, and shockingly enough, they were actually really friendly and helpful compared to the other day. No sand in any vaginas at all.

Maurine lives at number 19, and little did we know she is the landlords aunty.

You see, I probably should mention that I neglected to tell the landlord I was having a satellite dish bolted to the side of his house after all…

As I hang up from Sky, our estate agents are calling my mobile and I was told they’d had a very pissed off landlord on the line wanting to know why his aunty had called him telling him one of his houses was being violated with a Black Phallus of TV.

We were told to stop the Sky installation immediately and that the dish would have to be removed. The installation man didn’t look too happy… in fact, he went a shade of purple. He’d just finishing pulling the authorisation codes in and had finalised the installation, taking it all down was not something he was going to do..

Fortunately this story has a happy ending, and the estate agent called back saying he’d smoothed things over with the landlord and that we could leave our dish up. This didn’t stop the fucking old bitch across the road spending the rest of the afternoon with her curtains twitching.

Unfortunately we’ve probably set the tone for what will be months of hawk eyes on our new house. One late night partying and she’ll be right on that phone to report us in to her nephew. The Wicked Witch of the West is watching…

Direct Debit has to be one of the most evil cons the banks employ to fuck us out of money, and net them £5 BILLION a year in pure profit. Yet we continue to let banks fuck us up the ass day after day with their charges for failed Direct Debit payments, even AFTER court rulings that these fees are illegal and unjust.

The problem lies largely with the Banks being lying cock suckers and the non-disclosure of the real costs to the bank when a direct debit fails to be paid. The would rather you not know it costs them, at most, a few pounds to process the failure when they are quite happy to charge £30+ for the privilege.

I had such an incident on Monday, and am utterly, utterly pissed off about it hence forth. I have been “financially stable” now for well over 18 months now and this is the first failed Direct Debit charge I have had in this period, and the repercussions for me financially could be disastrous. My problem is the way the bank processed the payments and what they chose to pay on the day of the failed Direct Debit.

I had 2 payments due to be taken on the Monday; my car insurance and my debt management system at £90 and £244 respectively. To be honest I didn’t realise my car insurance was due to be taken on the Monday, and therefore there was only £260 in my bank on the Monday for the DMS payment. Alliance and Leicester decided to pay the car insurance over the DMS so they could take their blood money. There is no other explanation other than they wanted to take £34 out of my credit account so that they wouldn’t leave themselves short of an illegal and unjust fee, leaving my account in negative credit.

And this is why Direct Debit is such utter bullshit - my account isn’t a credit card account and has no overdraft facility on it. It is mean to be run with the cash I have in it and ONLY the cash I have in it. If I were to go into a shop and try and make a purchase, the shop would turn round and say “this car is declined” and I wouldn’t be able to have the goods, no charges for the bank having to tell the shop that there is insufficient funds to process this transaction. So why oh why do we allow the bank to charge us an extortionate fee for doing exactly this, just called a different name.

All Direct Debit is, is the equivalent of saying to a company they have access to your card details and can process a transaction when they require payment. You know who they are and you will query any discrepancies as and when they arrive, but please bill me for something on a monthly basis with this card to save me calling you up and giving you the same fucking details month after month. If there aren’t enough funds in the account, they get the same outcome Direct Debit or otherwise. In fact, Direct Debit is worse… its the “pricktease” of banking for companies; if there are insufficient funds, it gives them a little taste and whips the payment back, then slamming you with a charge for doing so! A double whammy of cuntism from the bank!

I will be ringing the Alliance and Leicester again this evening and demanding they refund the fee or I will be closing my account with them. Fuck Banks, you are there because its supposed to be safer and more convenient for me to leave my cash with you, rather than in a shoe box under my bed, not because I want you to secretly steal money off me for telling people I’m poor and don’t have the money to pay them.

Oh, and Halifax, I haven’t forgotten about the £505 in fees you still owe me… I will be taking your ass to court at the end of this month when I get paid. If you stopped making adverts with singing retards in and concentrated on better customer service and actually training your staff, maybe you wouldn’t have to steal money from your clients unjustly in the first place…

I fucking hate Sky at the best of times and now they’ve gone past the point of no return with their Super Amazing Deal for Sky TV, Phonecalls and Unlimited Broadband by fucking me off with bullshit excuses and squirming out of their free Sky+ box offer.

Normally, I would rather lick my own arsehole than give Rupert Murdock and the cunts at BSKYB any money at all, but given the shambolic state of DSL in this shithole country, their deal of TV, Evening and Weekend Calls and Broadband is pretty appealing, especially when you have a leaflet of a special “Refer a Friend” offer for a free Sky+ box valued at £159!

Bargain you may even be foolish enough to think, I mean thats got to save them a few hundred gigabytes of downloads offering the ability to series link your favourite shows. It would be a “bargain” if they actually kept to their end of the deal.

But unfortunately I can expose this offer as a sham. I repeat, the offer of a free Sky+ box is a fraud, a scam and they do not in any way keep to this deal. They are liars, crooks and thieves and reneged on their offer of a free Sky+ box even though I ordered within their time period.

It started on Sunday afternoon when I got back from my old mans with the Sky+ offer leaflet and called the 0870 number on the back. National rate call making them even more money to boot. I eventually got to speak to someone and the first question I asked was if the free Sky+ box was available, to which I got a firm “Yes! Today is the last day of the offer but its still valid” blah blah blah. I was kept on the phone for about 15 minutes, setting up the account and discussing “my best package” options and reading me the lengthy terms and conditions of their services.

We get to the stage of the box, at which point there’s a problem and their system now isn’t processing the free Sky+ boxes any more. Its at this point he tells me he’s coming in to do overtime tomorrow to process all the request from today for the free Sky+ boxes for new customers and that there will be no problems. He told me he would call me at 12pm tomorrow to finalise the details and arrange an installation date. He, my friends, was a lying scabby cunt..

Shortly after I put the phone down, he called me back to my surprise, to offer to put the order through today if I were to pay for the Sky+ box and they would “instantly refund” me (Yeah, right… I’ve heard this one before). Having just moved in, I’m Poor White Trash at the minute and don’t have £159 on a card, that and with it being a Sunday, saw no advantage of them processing my order then, or less than 24 hours later. How wrong I was..

I received no phonecall yesterday, no courtesy call to let me know of problems, nothing what so ever. So I called them, on that 0870 number again to be told the bad news. Even though my order had been started yesterday, the offer was no longer valid and therefore they were not going to process my order. I spent 10 minutes arguing with the snotty bitch at their end, and then asked to speak to her manager who was the one who had told her her “orders”. I was put on hold for easily 5 minutes for her to return herself and repeat their stance. I said “Am I not going to get to speak to your manager” and she replied “he will say the same thing, theres nothing we can do”. You mother fuckers!

I ended by slamming the phone down, then my fist into the wall… imagining it was the arrogant bitches face at the time. It didn’t relieve the anger, i’ve just ended up with blue knuckles…lol.. and thats not another Sonic Sex search term you freaks…

From what friends and family have said this “sounds about right” for Sky, but this is fucking bullshit and in no way says “Join Us” for a new customer.. anyone hooked on Sky must be glutton for punishment if they take shit like this all the time! I’ve fucked off any possibilities of getting Sky TV in my house now and am going for solely DSL with BeThere, if they don’t renege on the free connection and free month offer!

If you are an existing Sky customer though, you could help! Do me a favour and give them a call on 01506 831781 or 0800 2346019 (geographical landlines for their cunting 0870 number) and say you recommended a friend at the weekend and you are extremely disappointed they were told, very rudely, that they were not going to get their free Sky+ box even though they started their order before the deadline and a computer fault wouldn’t allow Sky to process their order. Tell them this isn’t the kind of behaviour you’d expect when recommending their service, and that you will be considering the now severed relationship with them when your contract end is approaching.

Maybe with enough calls the offer will return… I won’t be biting the next time, but at least I’ll have the pleasure of knowing Sky were hassled by a few of you!