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I have a load of small niggles at the moment that I’m going to get out over the course of the day starting here with

1. Milking a Family Bereavement

A death in the family sucks ball, don’t get me wrong, but how long can you milk the sympathy vote for? A day? A week? If they died in a car wreck or similar surely its a month at most surely?

I bring it up because a woman in my office has been milking it for about 6 weeks now and its starting to piss me off. Every time someone rings up about any issue regarding her job and why things haven’t been done its straight on the Worlds Smallest Violin just for her and she reels off the line about her old man popping his clogs.

We even bought her flowers FFS.. shes nearly a biddy herself so its not like it was a shock loss I’m sure, he was nearly 90 and died of natural causes. Surely the maximum time you can expect sympathy for is about a week, at most… Jesus, the way this bitch goes on about him you’d think he was an Epic Scientist who was the only mind capable of making discoveries of life saving drugs and his death came about in an unfortunate terrorist incident. Now I don’t mean to speak ill of the dead, but I’m a cunt so I will.. he was a retired fucking accountant… GET OVER IT!

I’m thinking of asking her for my £5 back actually if she doesn’t shut the fuck up soon. Flowers are fucking expensive and in the 3 1/2 years of being with “the woman” I have only bought her flowers once, and that was because they were discounted at Tesco as it was their “best before date” but looked healthy so I peeled off the 99p sticker and gave them like some kind of hero.. she knew too..

It’s certainly the last time I pool in for anything like this… I might look like a cock in the short term, but when the next fucker is still milking something months after its happened, I can say “Well at least I didn’t chip in for the consonance gift..” and laugh… but that’s just me!