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Yesterday was a bad day. Mentally and Physically draining. Having arrived in work shockingly early I attempted to work on the  data take on job I have to get finished this week to no avail. Having already mentioned coming home to do it, I packed up my shit and brought it home to work in the peace and quiet of my own office.. our office isn’t exactly the ideal environment for concentrating on coding!

In any case I worked pretty much no stop from about 2pm until about 11:30pm running my code, removing whatever element was found to be fucked, then rerunning. 26500 of 70000 records later my brain was fried; I stared at the TV and almost blanked out. I’d been staring at code and spreadsheets for 15 solid hours and the monotony of this task had taken its toll on my brain. I got into bed and began my Voyage into Tripout City.

Something wasn’t right and I began to freak out. My brain, tired yet under-stimulated began to race from the mixture of caffeine and cake in my system. I’d felt this before but not since I was a child; it was the foreboding enclosure of a nightmare.

I began to feel very aware of myself and my own existence and the fragility of it was what my mind was set on making clear. A mixture of anxiety and fear set in and I knew I was destined for a rough couple of hours. I got up and had to find something to stimulate my brain for fear it might explode.

I paced repeatedly around my front room and could hear the ringing of every electronic device left on standby. Even the feint noise of the pipes knocking was enough to intensify my experience causing my distress. I was going to be sick.

I ran to the bathroom and dry heaved.  It was coming but it wasn’t there. I sat on the toilet seat, head in hands, and gain the intensity of my own existence crept in. A thousand what-ifs rushed through my head and then the inability to conceptualise the end point of my life. I turned around and began to throw up.

I crawled back into bed and curled up behind Amy, attempting to concentrate on anything other than this self awareness but the questions kept coming and I didn’t have the answers. Drifting in and out of consciousness, I was unaware of the exact point the mood left me but it did like a great weight of my shoulders. Somehow I felt myself click back into place like I’d been sedated back in with reality.

It has been one of the most intense experiences of my life, as strange as that sounds, and not one I would like to revisit any time soon. I’m still working on this data throughout today again but I’m having regular fresh air breaks and trying not reduce the amount of caffeine I’m having. I still feel well and truly freaked out by the whole thing though - the brain is a funny thing!