delmorpha.com

In February of this year I was fired on the first day of my employment with a company in London developing something called TV2, effectively Broadband TV Gameshows that could be played for fun or prizes, and everything looked good as they had some major corporate backing from some of the bigger ITV game shows. I wasn’t fired for being a massive cunt either, like you might expect, I was fired for not showing up on the first day due to a family crisis and could not make the journey to London on the Sunday, requiring a few extra days to arrange my relocation; not a massive request you might think, especially with the week they’d given me to “up sticks”. I wrote a blog about it, posting the email response I got with my termination in February, modifying their rather phallus like logo into a rightful Cock and Balls.

In any case, whilst sifting through my usual job results, crap special offers and other bullshit I have to delete on a daily basis and I spot an email from The Cock and Balls Project. I wondered what the fuck those cunts wanted and had to say in an email entitled Cock and Balls Project Recruitment. I opened it up with baited breath…

Dear David,

My name is Herman Goering and I am Head of Recruitment at the Cock and Balls Project. I
recently came across your CV on Monster.co.uk.

The Cock and Balls Project is the company behind WeDigCocks, the world’s first “Cocks2″
Network. We are a multi award winning leader in the development and
commercial exploitation of broadband entertainment.

Our team is made up of the cream of video game industry talent who, not
content with life in the console industry, have traded in their years of
experience for a role within a dynamic and exciting firm where their
skills are enjoyed by millions of viewers each and everyday.

Based in the heart of London’s Soho we have a relaxed and yet explosive
office with no dress policy and in a good location for shops, bars,
clubs and restaurants.

We currently have a position available for “Broadband Entertainment
Software Developer”.

Our corporate website is www.CockandBallsproject.com where you will find the above
position listed in the Recruitment section. To view our “Cocks2″ Network
please visit www.wedigcocks.com. We currently have a selection of
interactive shows that you can enjoy and we are currently expanding our
horizons to meet a global audience.

It would be great if you could look at the two websites to see if we
would be of interest to you as a potential employer and then give me
some feedback one way or the other.

Please be assured of my best attention should you require any further
information about us in the meantime, and I look forward to hearing form
you.

Kind Regards,
Herman Goering

I could’ve just wrote “Go fuck your own arseholes you bunch of cunts” and this would’ve been a more than fair response but I chose a more eloquent reply.

Herman,

You sacked me from this role on the very first day of my appointment as family trouble meant I could not get to London on the Sunday prior to starting, and even though my many attempts at contact were in vain, my “unannounced” no show sent “shockwaves” through your board of directors. Even if I was interested in the position still, which I most definitely am not, I hardly think it would go down too well if you suggested rehiring me as I was obviously the best candidate at the time. My second choice has quite obviously had a short tenure suggesting your non-compassion as a company was actually a blessing in disguise!

It would be great if you could have a look at my website at http://delmorpha.com/the-cock-and-balls-project.htm and let me know what you think of me being a potential employee and give me some feedback in one way or another.

Regards,
David

I’m yet to receive a response…

So I landed in Calgary on Friday PM to be meeted and greeted by Mike, which was amazing to see him for the first time in nearly 12 months. We’re waiting around for his housemates to pick us up and I’m introduced to the wonderment that is Tim Hortons coffee. Mike had said many times about how great it was when we were in Korea and it really was a refreshingly good cup of coffee.

Being Friday night we picked up some beers and settled in back at his place with some hockey (this is Canada after all), some beers, a pitcher of a Bloody Mary made with Clamato Juice called something I can’t quite remember and a shot of Rye before bed!

I’m awake at 6am in any case and after watching TV for a few hours everyone is up and ready to head out on our road trip. We were heading up to British Columbia to see one of Mikes friends new baby, and using it as a good excuse to drive through the Rocky Mountains.

The trip was dramatic and breath taking throughout; the sheer mountain faces were far more extreme than anything I have ever seen before. I was surprised at the lack of barriers on the roads in some areas given the drop on the other side, but it was probably just my anxiety attacks and paranoia kicking in for the most part.

Eight hours and several funky stops later (see The Last Spike and The Enchanted Forest pictures in the images section) later we land in British Columbia; Kamloops to be precise… and don’t forget the Tournament Capital of Canada part. Seriously… they had an enormous plaque honouring its title and this became the rolling joke throughout the whole of our stay there.

So we meet up with Mikes friend Sebastien who takes us to the renovated house were staying at, only for him to have forgotten to mention it has no running water or no toilet. It also used to be a crack den (seriously) and had a plank of wood nailed across the back door instead of a lock. Two words escaped our mouths; Fuck That! We hit up a Motel instead, probably the wisest $300 we spent on the trip!

The next day we headed over to Sebastian’s house and tried to find something that was still open to do in The Tournament Capital and of the list of things on the Tourism Kamloops website, a trip to The Centre of the Universe seemed like the obvious choice… I mean how can you pass up that opportunity when you’re 4500 miles from home!?

A phone call later and we find that there’s a $10 a head cover charge to visit and reading the website there isn’t a sign for us to take pictures next to. Still, this is the Centre Of The Universe, how can it fail to be awesome??

An hour or so later the 8 people and a baby, 2 cars are approaching Dead Mans Valley and to me it feels like exactly that. We had 50km to go of narrow winding roads on the edge of mountainous terrain, in between Native housing. The whole build up felt like something out of The Blair Witch Project or Texas Chainsaw Massacre, not helping my already fragile and anxiety-ridden head. We passed a Christian graveyard of stick crosses which was probably the point at which I snapped and began to freak out.

To most Canadians, this was probably a little too stereotypical for anything bad to happen, but baring in mind everything I have been led to believe is plausible in movies and being so far from home, it was just a little much. The journey along the trail was intense enough, but passing by huts with deer antlers nailed to them like trophies, through a creepy ass forest and mountain trail was sending me down a pretty dark spiral. We even hit a patch of fallen stones that pounded the bottom of the minivan, just like what would normally puncture the fuel tank!

After the longest 50km drive I’ve ever been on in my life we arrive at a Y in the road, with a sign in red paint hand written the word “resort” going down and a hill to the right. For all intent and purposes, it could’ve been written “rEsoRt” with a backwards R and in something looking suspiciously like blood. As we take a left into the resort a pickup truck comes storming down the right path and continues in the direction we’d come from.

We pull up to a wire fence and the resort looked particularly un-resorty… well, certainly by my First World standards but this is supposed to be nature after all. Sebastian and BJ get out the van, and again reminiscent of a bad horror movie they start shouting “Helllllloooo” as a couple of dogs appear barking like mad. “This is it…” I thought “..I’m about to die”.

A woman appeared from the house on top of the hill, who fortunately had good North American teeth welcoming us. Had she have had anything less, I think I’dve been done in Canada right there! She explained a bit about the Centre of the Universe and told us where that, and the waterfalls were. We weren’t allowed in the gold mine as it was too dangerous to go alone and her husband I guess wasn’t around. The best bit? She gave us an discount to view The Centre of the Universe at $60 for the 8 of us instead of $80. I mean how excellent is that?!

So we drive up the other path, round the S bends like she said to the barbed wire fence. The paths lead into forest and a hut, and to the view on the left from The Centre of The Universe. As far as views go, it was pretty impressive; $60 impressive? Probably not, but it was pretty tranquil and relaxing up there. Having stood on top of Ska Fell for free after an exhilarating hike through non-horror movie terrain though, this certainly felt like we’d been conned!

The overall experience of The Centre of the Universe was a massive letdown given the cost in mental fatigue, petrol for a 400km round trip and the awesome $60 discounted price for the 8 of us. Even the Amazing Waterfall 3km away was a suckfest, given the one I had seen on our way through the Rocky Mountains at Crazy Creek. Thankfully, the journey back through the Rocky Mountains was even more breathtaking than the journey there, making up for things.

So… you want to see The Centre of the Universe without paying $10 a head for the privilege?? Ok, ok… here it is:

What? You look almost disappointed…

As Amy said to me… “WTF… is that not just a rock with money on??”… and to which I responded “Thats EXACTLY what it is!”. Hey ho… maybe it’s supposed to be symbolic!