delmorpha.com

Dear The DJs of Radio One,

Could you please stop playing Plain White T’s Hey There Delilah AS SOON AS POSSIBLE PLEASE. Every time I hear this drivel I want to go outside and roundhouse kick a swan in the neck like I’m Chuck Norris. I want to help an old lady half way across the road and leave her to make the rest of the way when a bus is coming. I want to put a brick in a bag of puppies, tie it up and drop it in a river. I want to dig a hole on a field, put a land mine in there, then place a weighted £10 note on top of the filled hole and wait, watching until its pops like Malcolm from A Clockwork Orange. Are you getting me yet? This song makes me want to do bad things.

In the average working day you play many bad songs, but of all the offending items on the play list, this is by far the worst. I make my request for the safety of my work colleagues if nothing else. You see, its not my choice to listen to the radio else I would just turn it off, and my suggestion to change the station falls on deaf ears. Mostly I wish your radio station fell on my own deaf ears but being fully aural, even the voices in my own head are not loud enough to shout over this nonsense. I actually enjoy my hearing ability otherwise I might attempt a bit of home surgery with a knitting needle just to stop the pain.

Of the millions of bands in the waiting for their big break, how is as puerile a track as this on the A list of records played on Radio One? Plain White T’s track is as lyrically stimulating as a poem by Joey Deacon. In fact, the track itself could’ve been written by him, so please do check if his family are due any royalties. If not, please check the credits for Natasha Bedingfield; the banality of the track wreaks of her work.

For instance, the brilliant and extremely talented Biffy Clyro deserve all the air time they can get. My suggestion is that the next time you’re reaching for this turgid pile of faecal matter can you please snap the disc, throw it in the nearest bin and replace the track with something by them instead… not Folding Stars though, you already ruined that for me.

Yours looking for to a Plain White T’s free work day,
Delmorpha

http://delmorpha.com
Like an old person complaining, just younger and without the smell of piss…

p.s. If you could also keep both Sara “Common as Muck” Cox and Vernon “Smug Coathanger Mouthed Twat” Kay off the air as much as possible, that would also be great. Thanks!

I drafted this email to Radio Ones DJs in my lunchbreak today but didn’t get chance to finish it and click send. I might do it tomorrow.. who knows…

Any suggestions/modifications before I do are more than welcome…

Oh Mika, how much I hate you… with your ever so edgy glam rock sound and your borderline homosexuality. Is it any wonder you were bullied at school and had to be home schooled (wikipedia)…

I remember when Grace Kelly came out and everyone was sucking him off, even some of my friends whose taste in music is better than that, saying things like “Oh you like Queen don’t you… he sounds just like Queen so how can you not like him?!”.

For starters no, I don’t actually like Queen. They fall into that tepid pool of Acceptability that Michael Jackson finds himself in (at least its somewhere other than young boys anuses for a change). I might enjoy Don’t Stop Me Now for the Shaun of the Dead mental reminder but other than that I don’t like Queen.

Secondly, Mika sounds nothing like Queen at all. He might sound like Freddy Mercury due to the cocks they both enjoy up their arses, but Mika and Queen as musical outfits sound nothing alike. As a guitarist I can appreciate the talents of Brian Superperm May, making Queen all the more bearable. Mika on the other hand, makes me want to pour acid on kittens just to hear their cries and hopefully drown out his whiny fucking limp noodle vocal stylings.

Mica Penniman, you are Delmorpha.coms Cunt of the Week for polluting the World with your terrible, terrible music.

Cunt of the Week will be a new feature for Delmorpha.com… given the amount of cunts in the World I could probably do Cunt of the Nanosecond and still not get through every person I think is a cunt in my lifetime… Cunt of the Week is more maintainable

Cunt of the Week also welcomes your input to why this weeks Cunt of the Week is such a cunt

Why the fuck do all the great games I’ve been looking forward to all come out at once?! Octobers releases for the 360 are fucking awesome, and as I’m going to Canada in November, my games budget for the month is practically nill. I’ve just bought Bioshock and Halo 3 which will hopefully keep me busy, but heres a list of some of the great titles I’ll be missing until November… they’re all Xbox 360 titles because I no longer buy Wii games and I don’t own a PS3..

Project Gotham Racing 4
I do own the PGR3 disc, but stupid crappy PAL region locking made the £24.99 Joypad, PGR3 and Arcade Offline price error at Play not all that great. Still, PGR4 is going to be awesome and the first racing game I’ve looked forward to in a while. Hell, even the PS3 has been using it to advertise GT5 so it must be good!

Beautiful Katamari Damacy
I fucking love Katamari! Baa ba da da da daaa ba da da da daaaa! It’s one of the only games I play on the PSP, and the PS2 version is great. “Roll on” high definition Katamari Goodness…

Speaking of Katamari… someone needs to do a magnetic remote control Gashapon Katamari Damacy model… I’d buy one tomorrow! Shame I can’t patent someone elses copyright…

Ace Combat 6
The demo rocks – I’ve never been a fan of flight sims but the Ace Combat series has always kept it arcade feeling in the same way that After Burner did many a moon ago.

FIFA 08
I’m not a massive football follower (I support Blackburn Rovers FFS) but Winning Eleven is my most played football game, and probably my most played game if I added up all the hours starting at the original Playstation. As I didn’t buy FIFA 07, I must be due to give a FIFA title another whirl to see if they’ve got the formula any closer.. graphically superior but always behind Konami when it comes to actual gameplay. I’ve played the demo and it was enjoyable… I especially like the Attract mode playable area’s Gears of War style running you can do by pressing RT.

EA would’ve had to give up the footy market a long time ago if it wasn’t for their monopoly on the player names… one of the main reasons my mates hate the PES/WE games. FIFA 08 should keep me satisfied until WE11’s release in November.

Guitar Heroes 3
The track lists for GH3 look fucking amazing. Pearl Jam. Check. Smashing Pumpkins. Check. Slayer. Check. Iron Maiden. Check. Fucking hell, even Killswitch Engage are on the line up. Talk about rocking out with your cock out! Shame the wireless guitar is a faggy Les Paul , given the track list a Flying V or a BC Rich Warlock would’ve been more fitting..

Clive Barkers Jericho
Blood, guts and FPS Horror action directed in its entirety by Clive Barker. I’m not pissing my pants in anticipation for this but it does sound pretty good. I’ll probably pick it up (pending a good review) when the next game drought surfaces… probably after Xmas now.

Well, that’s it for Octobers line up for me. I’m currently enjoying Stranglehold, even if it does give me motion sickness. I’d add Half Life 2: The Orange Box but I’m hoping for my bonus on Monday if we make budget (my fucking awesome new Shuttle PC… not the Hentai Case I wanted but still…) so I’d “purchase” that from TPB for PC if I do… It should give the 256MB Radeon HD2600XT I put in it a bit of a workout in any case… its no GF 8800 Ultra but I had a budget to work to.

Oh Sony, how the internet loves you… after all that’s gone on in the past you still manage to show your commitment to how much you really do hate Europe. Now that hate spreads to North America as they too turn their backs on you; yet you just cock your leg and take a massive slash all over both continents with the latest DualShock3 announcement. Or at least that’s what it looks like on the surface…

Sony is now trying to piss off Japan, just like the rest of the world. You see, Sony know regionalization doesn’t work, and we know Sonys position with the PSP and its Iron Fist with Lik-Sang, this can be the only logical explanation.

Sony have placed all those exploding batteries they recalled into the Japanese DualShock3 controllers and are secretly trying to systematically destroy the hands of its loyal Japanese fanbase. It makes perfect sense.

Why else would hardware not be rolled out at the same time the world over for the same games system. Its not like it needs major regionalization, or standards adapting for local laws. The only clues we have are the threads Sony have previously spun when imposing their Localization and Safety Laws on Lik-Sang with their Army Of Lawyers.

Sony lied in court stating that Japanese and Asian PSPs were not safe enough for Europe, and didn’t meet our strict safety guidelines, even though they come with all the correct markings to say they are. Those crazy Japs and their rogue approach to human safety… Sony are going to learn you good this time!

Listen up people… Sony says its true, so it must be true… products in Japan are not safe for use in Europe and North America, and vice versa so don’t import them or you are putting your own well being at risk and more importantly you are breaking the law!! SONY IS THE LAW!

What a bunch of cunts… I mean for fucks sake… when are the Sony Sheep going to close their mouths and stop accepting the turds straight down the gullet?? Sony said in the build up to the PS3 that rumble was “so last gen” yet the biggest announcement of TGS for them is DualShock3 and the fanboys are still licking Sonys proverbial balls like there’s no tomorrow. Haven’t Sony’s balls been in the lions mouth for too long now, and isn’t it about time we as the public bite down and said “enough is enough… we’re sick of you teabagging us”?

2007 is the year of being sold shit you didn’t really want in the promise of it being better than it really is (is this different to any other year then?). The iPhone is toss… FFS it doesn’t even have 3G making it instantaneously 3 years out of date. Anyone dumb enough to buy one (the Mac Fucks out there) deserves to get brain cancer from it. The PS3. Windows Vista. A War with Iran (maybe?). All massive letdowns in their own right.

2007 will go down in history as The Year of the Letdown. Mark my words…

I arrived at 2:30pm to collect the 2.5Si BMW Convertible Z4 for the weekend to be disappointed from the get go. You see, I’d been sat on my auction win for 3 or 4 months prior to my 25^th Birthday (for the insurance) and then when I did go see them, I had to wait an additional 2 months before the car was “free”. In this time they’d changed the rental car, for the worse, to the 2.0i model, still convertible, but still a downgrade.

My heart sank; I felt cheated – my own car is 2 litre injection with 170bhp, its front wheel drive mind but it’ll still knock out 0-60mph in under 8 seconds. I was promised something that was supposed to do 0-60 in 6.5 seconds, not something that was slower than my own car. I actually assumed the 2.0i Roadster would be slightly quicker than my FTO, but looking at the datasheet proved otherwise.

0-100 km/h (0-62 mph) : 8.2 seconds
Max power: 150.00 PS (110 kW or 148 HP) at 6200 Rev. per min.
Weight: 1,295 kg (2,855.0 pounds)

The three most important elements of this sports car and they’re all worse than my 10 year old FTO. It even weighs 150kg more than my FTO, and that has an actual roof and 2 extra seats in the back. Never mind, it would be my first, and definitely not my last, experience with a rear wheel drive car.

The guy pulled up to the BMW entrance thankfully not in a silver Z4, it was Metallic Midnight Blue. It was probably the nicest colour it possibly could have been for the Z4 looking at the Car Configurator BMW have on their website – most of the others are shades of Grey or a standard Red.. how fucking boring for a car of this supposed class. It also had the 18” Star Spoke Alloys and Beige Oregon Leather seats; at least they hadn’t skimped on the extras for the hire car (but why would they… they want you to remember it and buy one after your experience after all).

After the pep talk from the Sales Monkey, I was ready to roll. The first thing I noticed was the gearbox. Most hire cars I’ve driven have taken some getting used to when finding the biting point. Not the Z4… like a well lubed anus, the shaft eased through the six speed gearbox with no jerks or bumps at all. The shift was firm and purposeful, but the clutch swallowed each gear change like a well practiced whore.

I also enjoyed the low warble from the engine that, for a 2 litre 4 cylinder engine, sounded pretty mean. Unlike a big exhaust on a Chav Mobile, this was the car itself making the sounds and putting your foot down was a pleasure.

But not for the petrol consumption; given what I felt was a severely underpowered model, I often found my foot on the floor pushing the Z4 to the 3600rpm maximum torque range to get any life out of the engine. The car was a dream to drive at this power output, nippy and responsive, without ever feeling like you’re going to put it into a lamp post. Controlled. Restricted.

By far my favorite element of the car was the handling. Having never experienced a rear wheel drive car first hand I have never thrown the back end of a car out on purpose; once or twice in the wet in the FTO I have spun the car, but never a controlled “drift”. The traction control rarely allowed the back end to come out too much, but you could push the car hard into corners and it would beg for more speed. This was really where I enjoyed the Z4, or at least the rear wheel drive element.

The car itself is stunning, and a definite head turner, especially with the roof down. The non hairdresser convertible element was definitely a bonus, and you could cruise with the top down not feeling like a twat.

The sound system had good and bad points, loud enough to pump out Ministry to the world so they can all feel your pain, but the CD player itself is shit. Proper Shit. Every bump in the road jumped the CD… given that its 2007 and antishock CD players have been around for years, I couldn’t understand this and thought it might be my disc, but changing the CD had the same issue. Disappointing for a £25k car with an integrated CD unit.

The strangest element of the car I found was its ability to make speeds feel faster than they actually are. The driving position was excellent (almost identical to my FTO; low, good field of vision and perfectly positioned eye height) yet somehow even pottering around town felt too fast at times. I’ve hit the speed limiter in the FTO at about 120mph (its difficult to say accurately what speed I was doing as the speedo goes to 110mph and my needle was well over that) and that didn’t feel as fast as doing 90-100 in the Z4.

So, would I have a Z4? If it was free then of course but £25k+ is too pricey in my opinion for the 2.0i Roadster given the alternatives on the market. The car is beautiful, and I would definitely have a 3.0 Sports Z4, which is the only Real Z4 worth owning anyway.

But BMW do make this watered down version for those who want the BMW badge, a Z4 on their driveway and who can’t actually drive a real sports car. Unfortunately that’s all this Z4 was.. a pale shade of a sports car I really wanted, and is a definite let down and not worth the money for anything other than the poser value. I loved the experience, don’t get me wrong.. it was only once I got back in my FTO on the Monday morning I realised how overpriced that experience was, and the reality of what you could have for the money clicked.

The BMW Z4 2.0i Roadster is unfortunately a twats car.. it may as well be a Nova with a Bodykit on it as it is underpowered and looks faster than it really is. Posers, Hairdressers and Gay Lords are all still welcome at BMW it would seem…