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I’m firmly on the smokers side on this debate as the Government steps up its War on Terrorist Smokers and therefore, in one of those Digg style articles people write to try and pimp their site, I’m writing this article which I am calling 20 Reasons why smoking is Fucking Cool. Great things come in twenties after all.

It seems there’s a sea of negative press about smoking at the moment, so I thought I’d write something positive in an attempt to counter-balance the argument. If it was all one way traffic, i’d be called Fascism after all…

1. Looking Cool
Since the advent of photography and film there has been no-one cooler than The Smoker. Smoking has been synonymous with The Bad Guy, The Cool Guy and The Slutty Lady for many, many cinematic moments. It’s never The Nerds or the goody two shoes who smoke in films… always the cool, rebellious type. Although Hollywood might be phasing this image out of movies, it still reigns true that if you want to be bad ass, you have to smoke.

2. Non-smokers DIE every fucking day
Bill Hicks was and is one of my all time heroes. His words sum this up perfectly:

“I know you non-smokers have some eternal life fantasy, but let me be the first to pop that fucking bubble right now. You’re going to fucking die. Ok? Ok!”

What you do to your body is your own business, no one elses. Why are you letting someone else numb you into quitting smoking? Are you that much of a sheep?

3. Everyone’s quitting
I don’t know about you but I hate being part of the “In Crown”. Quitting smoking is the current in thing to do. Being a victim to fashion and trends sucks donkey balls. Why would you want to be part of the latest fad?!

4. The Government WANTS you to quit
..and what the fuck does the Government in this country know? Fuck all thats what! They thought the Millennium Dome was money well spent and that throwing money at Wembley would get it finished it time (when anyone with half a brain knew it was the pikey workforce that had been contracted to do the work milking them for every single penny they could). Government Approved Ideas… brings images of 1984 doesn’t it?

5. Smoking makes you a rebel
The Ministry of Health is doing everything in its powers to make you think quitting is your own choice and you can do it if you try. I’ve got the packs they’re spending our tax pennies on here to prove it as I was interested in the bullshit they’ll feed you to get you to quit and its cringeworthy. All of it is clearly written by morons who’ve never felt nicotine coursing through their veins and think smoking is a disgusting habit. It’s practically propaganda.

With this in mind, think of yourself as an anti-Nazi protester, not being phased by the tactics of a party determined to force its fascist regime change on the World. Continuing to smoke makes you a front line hero.

6. Smoking stops you swearing at your boss, keeping you employed
Despite the stigma smoking has, nicotine has positive side effects. One of them being it helps suppress Tourettes Syndrome. Whether diagnosed or not, everyone’s had that moment of naturally shouting a swear word or two at their boss. Smoking helps prevent these incidents and thus is definately cool for keeping you in a job for not shouting “cunt” in a flash of anger at work!

7. Smoking keeps you sane
Not only does smoking surpress Tourettes, it also helps prevent a variety of diseases including schizophrenia and Alzheimer’s. Ever wonder why your Great Aunty of 95 who smokes like a chimney still has all her marbles? Its the nicotine.

8. Smoking keeps you thin
I always thought that it was the fact I found eating became my new hobby once I quit smoking that made me fat, but cigarettes help boost Dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA), a natural steroid prohormone which amongst other things is used in a dietary supplements to keep you thin.

9. Smoking helps you stay horny and want to fuck more
Another positive benefit of extra DHEA in your system is it is the prohormone for the Sex Steroid. Smoking therefore increases your libido. Whether this is a good or a bad thing is up to you to decide, but it certainly makes smoking cool.

10. Smokers recover better from a heart attack than non-smokers
Given that 1 in 200 people have a heart attack each year, smoking actually increases your chance of recovering from it as stated by the Journal of the American College of Cardiology. It was also suggested that “One of the possibilities of smokers having better outcomes was that smokers are younger at the time of a heart attack.” but I say bollocks to that, you can view the statistics any way you like and its crystal clear that smoking gives you a better chance of recovering from a heart attack! Other research states nicotine helps produce new blood vessels following a heart attack or stroke.. I’d say that’s a positive reason to spark up.

11. Smoking makes beer better
Really, it does! Nicotine increases the production of dopamines in the brain that give us the pleasure sensation. The lowered enzyme level from the smoke helps increase the pleasure from alcohol amongst other things, thus making a beer all that more enjoyable.

12. Smoking helps Irritable Bowel Syndrome
If, like me, you suffer from IBS smoking can reduce the symptoms, such as abdominal discomfort and diarrhoea. Nicotine has immuno-suppressant properties and therefore helps you control the shits.

13. Having a Fag makes you gay…
Whilst it might sound like an excuse but chronic smoking produces anti-depressant like effects. Long term smokers have neurochemical abnormalities similar to the brains of animals treated with antidepressant drugs, according to the report published in the Archives of General Psychiatry. The next time some cunt harps on at you about lighting up, you can official turn around and say “Smoking makes me happy… if you want to see me unhappy I’ll put it out mother fucker…” and watch them trot off.

14. Smokers can handle more alcohol
Nicotine the wonder drug that it is also reduces blood alcohol concentration levels meaning you can drink more booze without getting smashed and acting like a prick. I’d say that keeps you being cool.

15. Smoking increases concentration
Nicotine has been proven to increase concentration and focus, as well as been used successfully to help treat cases of attention deficit disorder. Perhaps if more bastard kids smoked, they’d be able to sit through a movie without opening their fucking mouths…

16. Smoking makes you 50% less likely to get Parkinson’s Disease
If only Michael J Fox had smoked, he might’ve been making a comeback Back to the Future 4 right about now, and as much as that’d suck, the fact is you are 50% less likely to get Parkinson’s disease as a smoker.

17. Smoking actually makes food taste better
Even though you might have a jaded opinion that the taste of cigarettes in your mouth would mean food taste worse, quite the opposite is true. Again, its the dopamines released by the brain that allow you to experience pleasure at a higher level than a non smoker, therefore the sensations of eating delicious food is multiplied thanks to the nicotine from cigarettes.

18. Cigarettes kill kids
Smoking whilst pregnant, amongst other things, can cause something called Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Not only does that sound awesome, smoking is the reason for this kind of infant death 70% of the time.

19. Smoking lets you meet new, chilled out, like minded people
You’re an open minded smoker, firm in the belief of live and let live and you’re out on a date with a hot chick. You’ve got your “fucking” pants on and things are going well until you say you’re nipping for a smoke and *boom*, she gives you that look of death and you know you’re chances of getting laid have just been shattered. She’s one of those anal Anti-Smoking types. (My advice here is to light up and just keep walking… leaving her to pay the bill, but I’m a cunt like that).

By forcing you to congregate outside to smoke, you now get to meet more like-minded people than you would do before. Smoking brings you together with people you already have something in common with. This in turn could leave to “a chat, a date, or even something more…” to quote shitty late night TV ads.

20. Who wants to live into their 90’s anyway?!
Anti-Smoking lobby groups often state the number one reason to quit smoking is you’ll live longer. Who the fuck wants that?! I don’t know about you, but there’s a shotgun going in my mouth when I hit 80 unless I can still walk properly, get myself to the toilet on time and have all my marbles. Old people are shit, everyone knows that. Why the fuck would I be petered from doing something I enjoy in the hope of squeezing a few extra years at the shitty end of my life out? I wouldn’t, so shut the fuck up.

So thats it, my 20 Reasons why smoking is Fucking Cool. Smoking itself isn’t actually the cool part, its nicotine and as tobacco is the only natural source of nicotine, if you wanted it’s effects you used to have to take it’s evils too. Which leads me to a new train of though; if Nicotine has so many positives, would you gain all the benefits without risking your life if you wore a Nicotine Patch?

With this in mind, my next task is going to be to do two IQ tests. One now, and one after wearing a nicotine patch for a month to see if there is any significant improvement. At the last testing my IQ was around 140 something… maybe nicotine will push me past the accepted 147 genius level, or does the suggestion of this very study make me a retard before its begun?!

When will this government leave smokers alone? When they’re all dead or smoking is outlawed, thats when…

Yet another Draconian policy has been announced today in the War Against Terrorist Smokers enjoying their Death Sticks in their own homes… I mean the cheek of them! This is seriously getting fucking ridiculous. If you want to smoke you should be left to it in your own home for fucks sake… you now can’t do it in public places so what the fuck is their problem??

I always figured they were taxed so highly in this shithole country because of their extra drain on the NHS but now you’re telling me that’s not the reason and you actually want people to stop?! I’ve got a good plan for you… ban them the fuck completely or stop poking smokers with a giant stick with your holier that thou approach to this whole debate, slowly taking away their rights to smoke. Rather than trick the general masses into voting for you again and THEN bang a smoking outlaw, just step up and don’t pussy out on your responsibilities and just say what the plan for the bigger picture is.

My own opinion is that smoking doesn’t kill, its the crap they add into tobacco to preserve it that kills, but rather than targeting that and reducing cigarettes shelf life to a week by saying “we want to cut the amount of pollutants in cigarettes”, its easier to keep people ignorant of this and use cigarettes as a blanket reason for people getting cancer. I mean for a Doctor its like a Get out of Jail free card if you tell him you’re a smoker and get cancer. It’s like me being able to say “I told you so” when you have a virus on your computer and aren’t using Firefox as your internet browser; it could be totally unrelated but if you’re not a PC expert, are you going to argue with a man that is? It can then go down as another Smoking related cancer case with no facts to back it up, bloating statistics and the lies they feed society.

Maybe thats a little jaded as a picture, but I’m sure its not far from the truth.

The BBC posed the question “will graphic images stop you smoking?” and the obvious response of “what a retarded question” is likely to be rejected and my response will be lost in the internet so here it is for you to read.

What next?! ‘Smoking KILLS’ down each smoke? A voice stating “Warning - smoking DOES kill” and other random “facts” every time you open the pack? Perhaps it should be mandatory for sellers to ask 3 times before handing them over if they really want them, then read off a health warning? Maybe we can even use the Draconian Cameras in cities to ridicule smokers into giving up by shouting random insults about their filthy habit at them!

This country gets better by the day… it really does…

To be honest I can foresee them using those fucking city camera’s in that way if they’re already warning people who drop litter, act unruly and are generally out of order. I can also see the mandatory health lecture every time you buy a pack of smokes here too.

Well the government here can fuck their own arsehole if they think they’re getting another penny in tax from cigarettes off me… not that I smoke any more, but if I did they could.

For smokers, think about these facts the next time you pay nearly £6 for 20 smokes in the UK.

• A flight to Spain, Belgium or even Turkey + 3000 cigarettes, your legal limit, costs at least half of what it would cost you to buy the equivalent cigarettes in the UK and Gordon Brown see’s fuck all of your hard earnt monies. Even borrowing enough to cover this off a loan shark is cheaper than buying smokes in the UK!
• Gordon Brown and his smug cunting face takes 80% of that £6 in tax, yet somehow the £2 billion a year in tax raised by smokers isn’t enough to a) help our shitty NHS out and support the smokers who are “such a burden” on it or b) enough for his to shut his fucking mouth and leave you alone to smoke in peace. These are the smug faces of those rubbing their hands together every time you buy a pack here in the UK :

• Gordon Brown is a massive cunt. And he’s Scottish. Do you really want to help fund and support him?
• Buying smokes of that dodgy geezer in the pub does not support terrorists and criminals unless his name is Bin Laden Ali and he has a roll of Semtex strapped to his chest, and even then you’re probably safe unless you spark up next to him.
• Smoking foreign cigarettes helps keep you educated by teaching you to read different languages and sometimes new characters and alphabets.
• If you don’t understand the language the warning is written in, you can’t die from the effects.
• Foreign fags are obviously better for you or else the country you bought them in would have as high tax on them as the UK does as their NHS bill isn’t as big as ours!

Facts. Every last one of them…

Now I hate using the term best in the World to describe things because 9 times out of 10 they won’t be. But the kebab to your left most certainly is The Best Kebab in the World! It even beats a Dannys Armenian Kebab… only because both have the same name and this is fucking awesomeness to the max. Dannys still wins hands down in as far as regular pita kebabs goes.

I was challenged to take this bad boy on last night, being the eating machine that I am, with the bet being I wouldn’t finish it. One extra large kebab…pfft.. thats nothing for the man who orders 2 small kebabs on a standard night out after eating a massive tea. What arrived I seriously wasn’t expecting!

As you can see, the kebab is the length of 2 large curry trays, so thats about 45cm / 18″ by my reckoning. It contains 2 kima meat rolls as you would find in a kima naan bread, then full to the brim with chicken tikka and lamb tikka, a bit of salad on the base then polluted further with chilli and garlic sauce. The content is in a giant naan bread and being a fan of all of the above, I was in Hog Heaven.

I started by cutting the fucker in half to leave me with what would’ve been two very large kebabs individually. Then I was picked out and ate enough meat to get my chops around it and devoured the first half in a flash. In fairness I was pretty full after it, somehow naan is a lot more filling than pita bread, but I persevered.

I hadn’t eaten all day being out on site for most of it (and only being offered one fucking brew might I add and I was in an INTERNET CAFE) so I was famished by 9pm when this arrived, just to put the word full into perspective.

So a few bites into the second half and my stomach is rumbling with the usual IBS bullshit curries, chilli or anything spicy brings, but I’m used to it now and just ignore it. Unfortunately my arse doesn’t think on the same lines and after a quick dash to the bog I was back to continue. The second image below is testimony to this stage.

Within moments of my return I was defeated. I tried to ram a few more mouthfuls down but after actually listening to Health Advice off my girlfriend, I put the last few bites down and admitted my failure. The last photograph is what I had left, and whilst you might think “pussy” for not finishing the lot, when you have the Tikka Shakes, you’re probably best doing so too…

Every moment of it was awesome though, so if you’re in the Fylde area of the UK, I highly recommend Kai’s Balti House for an Extra Large Special Kebab with Chilli and Garlic Sauce. It was fucking shit hot, and about 11am this morning it was hot shit…

It started here with the built fire, and it seemed fitting to have the start on top… with this overpriced copy somewhat feeling fitting for the symbology of the whole event. Underneath we had the other 2 copys of books, and we’d preripped that big fucker up ready for adding once we got it all going… we didn’t want to burn the house down after all!

Added too was some barbeque kindling that burns quite nicely once it got going and some newspaper from our “sponsors”.

As you can see, we were all set for the off. A bit of drizzle but nothing too drastic… and certainly nothing our good friend fire, and most importantly.. BBQ Gel couldn’t handle…

After a good dose of the lighting gel we were ready to rock. At this point I’d like to thank our “sponsors” as shown in the below image. We have Horses’ favourite digest, The Citizen, Tescos speciality BBQ Lighting Gel, Bryant May Long Matches (for safety of course) and most importantly, Carling Lager… the drink of Chavs and poor people. All unofficial of course…

Next was the lighting, and rather than continue on with a load of images of this, I’ve put them all together in a very special animated gif!

I’ll think you’ll agree that the lighting gel had the desired effect…

With the help of the gel, the books continued to burn nicely… we had to relight it a few times as the weather began to change for the worse but we got through all the books we had for the burning, some of it from indoors as the rain had its moments. Not wanting to damage my Nikon D70 I didn’t take any pictures of the big fucker being added but I think you get the overall picture.

Once the rain had fucked off we ensured the books were fully toasted by giving them another dose of thee olde Lighting Gel and a good poking with a BBQ fork and all bar a few remnants of unfrazzled pages remained. It was turned to sludge with a bucket of water afterwards, killing them all for good with no evidence, just in case.

Celebration and good times were thus had by all and we headed inside victorious for more beer, sin and debauchery. Mostly it was just beer and Singstar… debaucherous in itself.

The defining moment was something we dubbed the Snow of Justice. As the wind pulled the charred remains of the books into the atmosphere, it fell to the ground like snow on a cold winters day. As we watched the flames being covered in ash, we stood happy knowing it was actually just the Snow of Justice going in my beer… ash never tasted so sweet!

And thats a wrap… sorry it took so long to get the pictures up, this is the first moment in the office its been quiet. I hope they’ve been worth the wait!

Its Bank Holiday Monday and I have the joy of being the only dumbass who agreed to work so I’m alone on the helpdesk and being a shitty Bank Holiday Monday, we have guests on the only wireless site we support using the Internetz. Our main client helpdesk itself has been quiet… just one spaz who didn’t know sending a 20mb file via email wouldn’t be instantaneous when he clicked send and they’d already picked up the phone before thinking.

Anyway, we have a new breed of morons since taking on the Wireless support line for a major park in the South. They’re a group of people I call “the Arsehole Public”. Now the Arsehole Public are the mother fuckers that grate me the most as they have no respect for what you’re telling them at all, and being their own equipment that “works at home”, they somehow expect it to magically work on site without any problems at all. They’re the kind of cunts that will ask Phorenzik when buying a PC game “my PC is XP, is that good enough to run Crysis?”…

Most of the headaches we have at the moment involve Fucking Windows Vista and its bag of tricks we technically know as shite. Couple Vista with Norton Security Wank 2007 and you’ve got yourself a nightmare scenario.. you already know the person on the other end of the phone is an IT illiterate moron who will tell you blindly they “have no problems at home” without understanding the first thing about network topologies and security implementation.

From my experience with Vista, its a cunt to get onto an unencrypted network, no matter how hard you try. It will do it but its constantly looking for a “better” network, i.e. an encrypted one… you know, just in case in your retarded home network you have a digital epiphany and decide one day WPA is the way forward and change it without telling Vista.

It probably doesn’t want you analysing and translating the data its sending back to base, or the NSA mid flight. Probably.

Whatever the fuck it does, the MAC filtering and custom interface to get the MAC address for our Wireless solution on this site causes headaches for Cunts On Vista. They then call us and blame us, like its our fault they’re a fucktard.. like the cunt who called me 15 minutes ago.

I knew he was a cunt right away when the first thing he said was “my wireless has stopped working”. That was it. I was meant to diagnose his fucking fault there and then with no further input from his cunting mouth. If a punch could travel down a phoneline, I’dve *kablamo’ed* this cunt right out there and then. But you can’t, so I didn’t.

I took some details, explained to him that wireless might sound like a magic thing where you can be sat where the fuck you like but the signal not only has to penetrate the lodge he was staying in, but his signal returning packets of data also had to reach the antennas and that it’s his piece of shit laptop that isn’t powerful enough for the internet to work in the cupboard he’s called his “wanking closet”. I then got the Moron Number One response. “It works alright at home”.

I’ve had a stressful weekend and I snapped. It was a controlled snap but it was a snap none the less.

“Yes, but theres a big difference between home networking and supplying one wireless network to a 10 hectare site. You were probably sent a preconfigured router through the post from someone like Sky, right?”

An easy assumption to make, given the retarded statement previous he obviously is too stupid to configure a router himself.

“Yes I do have Sky broadband actually…”

I practically heard the cogs in his head ticking away trying to work out how I’d worked this out.

“Well that plugs straight in and you get a leaflet with the encryption key in, so it just works out the box. It’s not so simple here, we have potentially 1000 users on the network here with 16 antennas onsite providing a network connection. We have to authenticate each one of those users against a whitelist of MAC addresses which we obtain the first time you enter that password we gave you. Vista hates this network topology to begin with as its unsecure, a measure to increase the overall experience on the network on site but as Vista isn’t really ready for commercial use yet, we have no end of problems with people like you complaining because they can’t get onto the network in the same way they ‘do at home’. As we can’t really touch your network setup, in fear that you won’t be IT savvy enough to rectify it at home, we can’t do a lot to help you in most cases.”

I paused for breath but not long enough for him to respond.

“We also have to take into account your Laptop, which as we didn’t provide, we know nothing about. For all I know you could be loaded up to the nuts with Spyware, on an unpatched Windows box riddled with viruses and alike. This could be causing your slow internet connection, and sapping away the precious bandwidth from other network users who are smart enough to run Windows update. Or you could be running something like Norton Security which in itself limits the network traffic and access to the internet so it’s practically unusable.”

“I have Norton on my machine, could that be the problem?”

*kablamo 2* would’ve been right about now.

“YES!! Can you disable it, please, or better yet just uninstall the damn thing…”

I then had to hold his hand through getting rid of that shite. I’m not actually supposed to do that, but unsurprisingly, after I had, not only could his PC could get on the network he also said it “seemed faster”. Rather than explain to him he was a cunt and how I’d just handed him his digital ass, I just put the phone down. He didn’t ring back, the fucking fucktard.