delmorpha.com

If you didn’t already know, and haven’t yet got me a fucking awesome present, my 25th birthday is fast approaching so I’ve been looking at what new game I can treat myself with when I spot yet another EA franchise for probably the most retarded sport in the entire history of humanity…. no, not Australian Rules Football.. I’m referring to the “sport” of NASCAR.

NASCAR is one of the biggest symbols of American disregard for the planet, arrogance and Redneck stupidity there is. I mean where else would you find a sport that wastes 2 million gallons of fuel in an average season by going around an oval shaped track with no controls on the emissions using leaded petrol!

I mean, for fucks sake… its 2007. We have just about worked out that the petrol engine is capable of sustaining high constant speed for 500 laps without blowing up, so how is NASCAR still allowed to kill the planet with its circling stupidity? If you find watching this shit interesting, might I suggest you paint a fence once a week and sit watching it dry with a few beers? Same Great Entertainment and the planet might still have fossil fuel in 50 years! Everyones a winner!

Or, you can now get yourself an Xbox 360 and get the all new NASCAR 08 from EA!

Talk about cashing in on the same fucking game, this must be the pinnacle of regurgitating the same shit, year after year… a NASCAR title from EA with Real Stars, Teams and Franchises! Surely there can’t be people stupid enough to buy this turd every year because “Randy Redneck” joined Corvette and he’s their favourite driver ever? Or is it that this year your car is capable of doing 192.3 mph and that extra 0.3 miles an hour will make this game “the best game yet”?

I mean its not like you’re going to get any new tracks either! Just that same stupid oval they have for every one of the 39 tracks in the game!! Broken joypad that only has left as a working direction? No problem! Every corner is fucking left! NASCAR 08 is the game for you my friend!

Most driving games have a selection of high performance cars to drive. NASCAR 08 takes the thought process away, with every car being the same ass-looking piece of shit with a different colour paint job with the same handling, same performance and same acceleration. I mean, after all, colour (yes, that’s right… it has a ‘u’) is the important factor when choosing a car to win a race with.

Anyone thinking of calling me a “fag” because I don’t like NASCAR, might I recommend you take a look at the world we live and shutting your fucking mouth. Personally, my idea of a race isn’t to be the first to complete a ridiculous number of laps of a uniform track with nothing to test your ability as a driver, wasting the planets resources just because you “can”. Forget your arrogance for just a brief moment and open your mind up to the possibility that a “sport” where cars can do a right turn too and actually need to use the other features modern motor cars have, like brakes and a steering wheel, might be more of a race… F1 perhaps (at a push), or my own favourite, Rally.

Civilisation makes great advances when it is faced with challenges.. the challenge of driving in a circle is one we should’ve banished from the planet a long fucking time ago! NASCAR sucks, and a game about NASCAR by EA… well, that’s going to suck harder than Lindsay Lohan auditioning for her next movie role!

Have you ever wanted a job cleaning up old peoples shit and piss for a living? No, me neither, but somehow, metaphorically, that’s what I do for a living now. My Software Developer tasks have dried up and I’m back on the Support desk and I fucking hate it.

It’s not something you immediately think of when you take a job in IT Support, but a large portion of my day is taken up by trivial fixes due to some numptey who lied on their CV about their computer skills being more than being able to turn the fucker on. Things like some twat has sent a document to the wrong printer and hasn’t cleared it, someone can’t click send on their email client and wonders why it hasn’t gone or a jokers stolen a mouse ball and some dumb fuck thinks the mouse is broken…

Now don’t get me wrong, I know not everyone can be an expert on computers and that as part of my job we’re here to help, but when you think IT Support, the brain doesn’t immediately think of wiping peoples arses yet it really should!

So this is really more of a word of warning than anything else, to anyone doing an IT A level, NVQ or some other low level IT support type qualification hoping for a bright new shiny future. Its all an illusion and you’re going to spend the next years of your life mopping up the shit other people are too stupid to learn how to fix themselves. Anyone with half a brain won’t ring you, they tend to follow your fix the first time and manage to resolve most issues themselves in the future.. it’s always the fucktards who’ve started dialing before they’ve given it a moment of thought that call.

It could be worse I suppose; you could be sucking dick for crack… but thinking about it, the advantage of that lifestyle is that after the cock slurping you get to forget your abused mouth with drugs. IT support is like being a dick sucking whore without the fix at the end… damn! What a stupid boy I’ve been!!!

Oh, and whilst I’m bursting bubbles, the reality of the matter is that lie you were spun about the average salary in IT being £37k… thats a fucking crock of shit too… it’s a smoke screen created by including the salaries of the high level directors earning above £300k a year in London and used to sucker idiots into doing worthless qualifications, taught by someone too stupid to put what they’re teaching into practice.

So there we have it… Cock Sucking Whore…. better job than IT Support!

Check it,

I’m no bitch-dude or shit but I fucking love to gossip. When one of my work “mates” drops a bollock, I’m the first to laugh then go tell everyone about it. If some guy gets taken in the office for a bollocking then I NEED an excuse to go in there…..and hang around a little…… and listen!…….then go tell everyone! Im not a gossip addict or anything but it just makes my work day a little more interesting and i’d like to think it makes me a little more interesting too. Probably not but, meh*!

This part of me is probably the reason why I also like to read tabloids. I feel better when I know whats going on in this crappy world around me. But rather than reading “floods hit the north”, which is a headline you may find in a broadsheet, I would rather read “water way to lose your possesions” which is a story you’d more than likely find in The Star or some shit. Both these stories will give the exact same infomation but the broadsheet will also tell you about stocks and shares whereas the tabloid will tell you about the biggest dog from Cambridgeshire that can make a cup of tea….kind of thing.

Now where I find tabloids entertaining, I find the Daily Sport stupid! Almost every single page has an advert on for phone sex on it, over half the pages have a set of tits on them and the “sport” section is only 6 pages of the 48 I have infront of me. It’s not a newspaper, it’s soft porn!

So why do I read it you ask? The answer lies in the funniest thing written outside of the Viz. It’s the page they call “Agony Angels” and it is the reader’s problems page.

Now before you start thinking The Daily Sport has a soft and caring side, let me just put forward my theory…..I think the letters are fake. Why, you ask? Let me show you some examples:

“…..The thing is, my husband is hung like a donkey. His penis is an eye watering 10 inches long….until you’ve had a monster cock like that inside you you have no idea…he pays particular attention to my 34DD breasts and my shaved pussy lips…it’s almost like being pleasured by a woman’s mouth and I should know as I once had a passionate lesbo fling”

Horse : ????????

“…My nuts are driving me nuts. One bollock is about twice the size of the other…women find them a turn off”

Horse : “wha….?”

” I caught my wife shagging our window cleaner…I was aroused as he f****d her…I tossed off as he nailed her…he spunked all over her face and tits…this happens every week now and my sex life with the wife has improved”

Horse : [slaps forehead] “oh dear…”

” I recently got ratted at a mate’s 30th party and ended up bedding his auntie. She’s a fat munter well into her 50s…before I knew it she was massaging my knackers…she took her teeth out and gave me a gobble…I ended up shafting her doggy style…”

Horse : [spits tea out onto paper] “Blimey”!

Do you see where i’m coming from? Who the fuck talks like that in real life, let alone when writing to a fucking problem page! There is not one letter that is a real problem, most of them are boasts and the replies from the “angels” themselves are amazing. Usually they will tell the guy to carry on his affair quietly or some shit. It’s laughable!

The main bit that really makes me laugh though is the language they use. My favourite examples include :

” searching out her love bucket”

“opened her thighs and let me see her lettuce”

“I was shocked to see her gaping snatch”

“I flipped her over and banged her up the tradesman’s”

Wicked! I don’t feel bad laughing at these problems because i’m quite sure they are really not true. I just feel jealous that some guy probably gets paid to sit at home scratching his balls and writing 6 of these things a day.

In no way am I trying to sell the Sport but I would really recommend you buy this paper just once and check these stories out. They certainly brighten up my day!

Til next time peeps,

H.

P.S- If any of you do have a problem, for god’s sake don’t write to the angels. Write to Horse and let me have a laugh….then go tell everyone else!

*meh - the noise me and Delmorpha make which is short for “give a shit”, “oh well”, or “never mind”.

Not to break the habit of a lifetime, this weekend I found myself once again nursing a hangover. This time however, I was still puking at 6pm the following day, so the Saturday night was a bit of a monster.

I’ve been on call this weekend and the phone was non stop up to about 3pm. Some weekends its easy money, others its actually work, and after the events and fun of last week, Saturday was not what I was in need of. As you can see from my gamer card, I got up with the phone at 9am, sorted a few calls to boot the all new Blue Dragon, to then leave my Xbox on for the next 6 hours, not to even get a chance to play it.

Anyway, the phone went quiet and seeing my opportunity to “clock off early”, I packed my laptop up just in case and headed round to my mates daughters 1st birthday party. Arriving to an already inebriated household, I was playing catchup from the get-go. After the shitty week previous I was out to get slaughtered and the speed I was knocking them back at, it’s no surprising how much of a mess I was on Sunday. Even my mate Jonny mentioned how fast I was drinking, and he’s a hardened alcoholic.

Well, my drunken shenanigans are not the point of this post, but are related to the title in some way. You see, according to some crazy lady with a perm, I’m deaf AND dumb.

Now before you think you’ve misread the poster, this is indeed Delmorpha and not Horse. I’m not quite as used to the insane situations he finds himself, but rather than be shocked, I rolled with the situation and turned it around for maximum embarrassment for the 80s wannabe.

So people are partying away as the do and I’m minding my own business in the kitchen with a beer talking to a friend when Pat Sharpe comes through the back door. Now I’m stood where any self respecting party goes stands; as close to the fucking alcohol as you can and I would have to move if someone wanted a drink. Well I get this look of “move”, a grunt and an arm gesture, but no actual words. Manners cost nothing and I wasn’t going to move for that. She repeats the action when me and my friend look at each other and laugh, shaking our heads at each other.

“Do you actually want something?”

I ask… to my horror I got the following response:

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you were deaf and dumb”.

No word of a lie. No jokes. She was deadly fucking serious. She actually thought I was deaf and dumb…

“What???”

“Sorry, I thought you were deaf and dumb”

“Even if I was, which I’m fucking not, how was that a polite way to ask anyone to move?!”

“…I guess it wasn’t…”

“Then you can whistle for a drink, go on… fuck off!”

So that was it, for the rest of the night any time she was in ear shot people were talking in the mono-tonal nasal tone deaf people talk in. She was more embarrassed than I was in the end, my abuse after the incident and then the piss taking by everyone else at the party for her obvious stupidity made her feel very small indeed. There was a lot more abuse, trust me, but the details are a little hazy! Stupid beer…

So, there we have it… your host, Delmorpha.. he’s deaf and dumb… apparently!

Before I start I’ll say I have never read a Harry Potter book. This isn’t because I’m some illiterate moron, its because its a childrens’ book and of all the millions of publications there are in the world, writings about a preteen wizard and his douchebag friends, riding “brooms” and casting spells isn’t high on my own personal must-read list. For all I know Harry Potter and the Gang Rape of Classmates might be the best series of books in the history of mankind. I really couldn’t give two fucks..

What also puts me off are the constant barrowing of retarded comments I have, filling my hump of hate, from people who have read the books and go on to talk about how good they are compared to the films… blah blah blah blah fucking blah. My usual response is “Oh reeeeeeeeally, well have you read 1984 by George Orwell…? Now thats a good book”… 99% of the time they’ll crawl off, back to their cozy little kids book and leave you the fuck alone, dejecting their opinions on the literary works of humanity into the realms of the third grade reading level their initial response displayed.

So, in any case, I’m not here to spoil the book for you if that’s what you were thinking/hoping for. What I am here to do is to say the biggest potential spoiler to the Harry Potter series is…………

……

….

J K Rowling.

Why? Well, as she sits pretty on the £540 Million pounds shes made in writing the Potter series, the publishers sit on a whole lot more. She’s sold around 340 Million books which works out at about £1.60 after tax per book. Well done, in fairness, that’s a pretty astonishing task for a once single mother on benefits.. it doesn’t justify the rest of them sitting around doing fuck all, but in any case, it’s a rather impressive. The difference in Rowlings case is she was actually well educated before ending up on benefits but its never the context the press like to use this statement in, as they paint a rose tinted view on the potential to turn your life upside down if you end up in this scenario.

Anyway, she has the power to make the Potter series immortal, or shatter it into a tepid puddle of afterbirth if she “picks up the pen” again.

And you know the publishers want it, I mean take the RRP for Deathly Hallows. Its £17.99! I just paid about that for Blue Dragon on Xbox 360 and thats easily 60 hours of entertainment, took a production team of 50 guys 18 months to develop and translate to English and won’t sell 1/10th of the total copies this book will! Talk about an obvious statement of the greed and capitalism behind publishers of other peoples art!

I know Tescos might be selling it at £8.87 but thats only because they buy direct, and buy a million copies so can afford to sell it at a few pounds a book profit just to get you down to the megastore to buy the book, and the late night nibbles and caffeinated beverages to keep you going as you read the latest tales of late night hand jobs at Hogwarts thus bumping their total profit off the book up. But if it wasn’t for them, the additional profits would be spilt between all the little maggots, their dark souls content whilst they pore over the figures to look where they can make their next dollar from and you’d be paying the full RRP.

In any case, the ball lies in J K Rowlings court on whether or not to destroy the Potter name by bowing to the requests to write “something new”… I can almost hear their pleas. “Oh JK, you’re so talented, you owe it to the world, and to the children… oh think of the children you’ve helped.. they now read JK, do you know what that means… your writing brings so much joy and by starting something else you can begin a whole new cycle of bliss and learning…”. When she does the right thing and tells them to “get fucked”, they’ll step it up a gear, offering her more money. With £540 Million + whatever this book nets her, she should once again use the term “get fucked” to more cash.

Stage three will be the bargaining by using cash and children together, with a bit of world peace and helping children in third world countries. Eventually, with enough pictures of starving children with flies around their heads and pot bellies, she’ll buckle and start writing some turgid set of short stories but because her brains so full of Potter, the concept of writing anything other than he is alien and ultimately leads back in that direction. Before you know it, shes then writing a fucking prequel and the Potter fans rejoice in another dose of their boy wonder. The movie industry would love that too, allowing them to replace Daniel Radcliffe, and his now subject to immediate change teenage body, with an actual boy, allowing them to once again cash in. Everyone happy, even me for a change, because I can then say once again, I fucking told you so!

So as much as I don’t want to read the Potter books, I set this challenge. If, in 18 months from now, JK Rowling hasn’t put pen to paper and started to process of writing something new, including if it is in theory or discussed as a set plan, I will actually stop being a book snob, ignore the bovine opinion on these books and actually read then review them, one by one. If, however, she does start the process of writing something new, in any way, I will buy steal a copy of each book and burn them, ridding the world of one piece of capitalist bullshit from someone who is no longer bothered about getting kids to read, but shown her true colours by turning the wheel of consumer greed and feeding that beast by starting something evil.

The moment this blog was posted began the start of the ending period of having to hear peoples stupid remarks about this series. Unfortunately I think we have 1 or 2 films left to go, but the general consensus on those is they’re usually piss poor so my mood is generally good. Unless theres a sex scene with whoever the female character is in this new book, the male fans of the series can rest in the thoughts they’re never going to get to see the actress who plays her naked on screen in these films and also shut the fuck up about her being “hot” too… awin-win all round!

I f you’ve finished the Potter series and are distraught that its the last book “ever”, don’t fucking phone Childline on 0800 1111, you fucking pussy sap fuck…. just buy another book! There are millions of great books out there, millions I tell thee!!! Might I suggest you start with Mein Kampf… now thats a fucking awesome read!