delmorpha.com

I’m not a salesman and my blog is just for fun/anger management so is not blazoned with advertisements. I have the one banner for Play-Asia and if it inspires you to buy a game then great, I get about 3-12% depending on the title. Thus far my blog has made me a total of $2.36 and I know the person who bought something via that link exchange because I returned the compliment later on! Score!

So, by this logic, you know I am not posting this for financial gain! Even if 10 people were to buy this game from Play Asia I would get all of about £5. In any case Play Asia have Prey on special offer at the moment for the bargain price of £8.93 + P&P of £1.55 to the UK and it’s 100% region free and in full English.

A quick overview if you’re unaware is it’s based off the backbone of the Doom 3 game engine and you play a Cherokee destined to save the planet from invading aliens. It’s average rating is 7.8 / 10 according to GameRankings and most importantly if you’re an achievement point whore like me, rated 3/10 in difficulty or very easy to achieve! Personally thats the only reason I’ll be buying a copy… same reason I bought Condemned and played through it’s vomit inducing motion sickness!

The direct link can be found by clicking here - if you do buy it thanks a lot for your support, it’s much appreciated! Just give me a shout when you want me to reign down a world of pain on you on XBL!

Well it looks like the Great Harry Potter Book Burning is on people! She couldn’t even last a week before announcing she’s going to write 2 more books! I mean it must’ve been the smell of money wafting it’s way into her mansion as people lap up the latest helping, the aroma of sweet cash spewing from the gormless children’s mouths as they devour the last turgid dollop of Potter like dogs that have just been shown a card trick. Their vacant eyes looking up in hope that JK is going to be outing her “magic” once again and BOOM, she popped and lets rip the putrid vomit of Hell with the announcement of more books…

I mean fuck me… at least tease the public by taking a short break whilst they at least finish your latest faecal offering. Your fans haven’t quite finished digesting and wallowing in your filth, with forums still raging which is the best Potter book and a like. Live up to your up and coming name by being a bit of a prick tease if you’re going to whore yourself, your good name and your Great British Works of Potter.

Satan well and truly owns your soul now.. I always thought Hell was invite-only, ran by the RIAA and MPAA and was full of the Musicians and Movie Stars who allowed their carcasses to be used as puppets as they hypnotised the bovine masses and keep us under control. I was obviously wrong…

In any case, I hope you either want to join me in the book burning and send me your pictures, or, steal buy a copy of any Potter book and send it me and I will do the burning. Seriously, if you want to send me them just post a reply with your support with a valid email address and I’ll give you an address to send them to.

The date for the book burning is the 18th August so that gives you a little over 3 weeks to get them to me. I will be taking lots of pictures of the fun time had by all who attend!

I would just like to take this oppurtunity to wish Delmorpha a very happy birthday.

Any well wishes from our readers are welcome and will be very much appreciated.

I’m not gonna tell ya how old he is because he’s a little “tender” about his age, but here’s a picture of him with his cake, taken this morning.

 All the best dude,

H.

Remember how bad you felt for those poor folks in New Orleans when they were hit by the flood? No, me neither, but say you actually had a heart and gave a rats ass about anyone other than yourself then the fact these people were largely below the poverty line, in an area of the US where an imminent flood would desecrate an entire state and then then US Government do absolutely nothing to help for the first few weeks would’ve maybe inspired you to donate some money or try and do something to help.

Well, for those of you who don’t live in the UK and couldn’t give too fucks what happens in this stupid island, we were hit by some of the worst flooding in 90 years in the south of England. The banks of the Thames and Severn have both breached and whilst not anything of the scale of New Orleans, its leaving about 350,000 in the UK without power or running water for a few days, maybe even weeks!

And I’m trying to feel bad for these people when I spot the following picture and description on the BBC News Website.

In case you too had to double take, that says and I quote:

Oxford residents have been using their boats to get around

Their boats?? THEIR FUCKING BOATS?! A day ago on the news these people who’ve been effected were saying “what’s the Government going to do about our homes, we don’t have insurance for this”, expecting Joe Public to foot another bill and some people in Oxford have their own fucking boat to swan around in?!?

Well they can fuck right off is what they can do… if aid comes out of anything other than local constituency council taxes there will be uproar in the Delmorpha household and I will be rallying the troops in protest.

Usually I have a bit of a rant and go back to sleep after I’ve worn myself out but this shit is ridiculous. Most of the world knows Oxford is a rich county full of poncy twats with bags of spare cash and it should be up to them and their council tax to bail people dumb enough not to have house insurance out, if they bother at all.

This is a known about localised problem, not some completely unheard of event. Their councils should have made adequate preparations for this event and as they haven’t, it shouldn’t be down to UK tax payers from unaffected area’s of the country to pay for.

Their own fucking boats indeed…

Trying to understand, then shitting all over someone else’s point of view is my thing. Everyone has crazy beliefs. Whether it be a religious thing, a phobia or an obsessive compulsive reaction and you need to switch your light on 13 times before you leave a room or your cat will die, we all have them. Religion beliefs are usually amongst the worst, and the fundamentalist wing of any religion are usually the funniest.

Take Fundamentalist Muslims for instance. Whilst I don’t know much about the ins and outs of Islam, the foundation of their religion is fucking retarded. Apparently, according to Muslim doctrine, this life you’re currently living is a test, and if you pass and choose the right decisions you get to have an eternal life in the next that’s full of the rewards you weren’t aiming for in this. I call this the “Sit down, Shut up and everything will be ok” technique of Religion.

Thats a great thought for some, but just for a moment imagine that it ends up not being true. For a brief moment lose the ignorance and accept the possibility that it all might just be bollocks. Go on; asking questions and exploring their potential answers rather than just accepting the turds that have been fed to you is what rises you above the bovine masses.

Then you think that blowing yourself up for your religion is a fucking imbecilic act and by doing so, that’s it… it’s really just Game Over for you. No “Well Done, you killed a bus load of innocent people but you did in in My Name so join me in eternal happiness… you picked the right team after all!” from Allah, no Golden Handshake, no eternal life with the booze, hookers and blackjack you gave up in the name of your religion. Nothing. Just the blissful release of death after the shitty life you’ve led.

Anyway, I was listening to the brilliant Bill Hicks for the umpteenth time in the car and it got me thinking about a comment I made about women in a previous post. I was thinking how Fundamentalist Christians have some pretty stupid beliefs, like the planet is only 12,000 years old and that God is secretly fucking with us with dinosaur fossils, and with the theme of a joker God in mind, I’ve come up with the following theory on child birth, inspired be Fundamental Christian Beliefs.

Fundamentalist Christians believe the whole Adam and Eve story is the Gospel Truth, therefore it is my theory that God never intended child birth to be painful. A womans vagina was initially designed to work in the Reverse Snake Jaw Manner and the females hips were initially intended to unlock when delivering her “blessing” on the world, thus no pain and a mans only real worry, no afterbirth “slackness”. But as punishment for her Temptation, he punished women forever by making them forget about this talent, therefore the whole agony, blood, mucus and bowel evacuation of childbirth was “born”. And the dreaded “sausage down a back alley” scenario afterwards…

This theory would teach a lot of things to Fundamentalist Christians and I suggest it should be taught by them in Sunday School. Firstly, if you have a pain free childbirth and the kid just “slips out”, that’s not because you’re actually a slapper with a loose minge, you are actually a divine spirit and closer to God than most. Vice-versa, women who spend long periods in childbirth are actually being punished by God for their sins.

Secondly, fisting and the widening of the vagina should be encouraged and taught in Bible Classes. A Spiritual Quest of Vaginal Opening where women go on a course to learn techniques to bring them closer to God by being able to use SnakeJaw®, the copyrighted Fundamentalist Christian technique for easier childbirth. A level 3 SnakeJaw® Expert should have no problems with a watermelon and would be ready to progress to getting pregnant in the eyes of the church.

So as after they’ve learnt these techniques the phrase “BucketCunt” can’t be used, women are also encouraged to do a course of Vaginal Wall Strengthening Techniques. Asian women have been perfecting this technique for years with Ping Pong balls, but as they’re not Christians, they’re going to burn for all eternity anyway, tight labia or not.

Finally, because God is such a joker and loves a good laugh, every time a woman gives birth, He’s still actually wetting Himself whilst he watches. Therefore you should always be on your best behaviour and not swear during childbirth. If you do, you’re going straight to Hell, you sinner!

Crazy? Bigoted? Sexist? No way! It’s religion man, questioning religious theories is futile therefore entering this into the Pool of Religious Truths just becomes another jaded, disillusioned opinion that Fundamentalist Christians think is right, and no matter what evidence we have to the contrary, everyone else is wrong. Blind Faith… you can’t beat it!