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Well, anyway, I’m enjoying my game of Crazy Bubbles and what should come on the radio; the Beautiful South. Probably one of the worlds most middle of the road bands ever. I fucking hate them!

I mean who actually goes out and buys this shit. I tell you who; the kind of fucks that think that “don’t Marry Her, fuck me” is controversial thats who. The kind of people that buy a Renault Espace, go on holiday with their three kids and the dog to France and both work in Accounts. The fuckers that in school thought that having a cider lolly was an excuse to pretend you were drunk and act like a cock, even though everyone thought they were a cock to begin with. People that were born from the turds of middle Britain and blocked Lytham Quays, thats who

Meet Alison Jack, the chairman of Defend Lytham. She looks like someone guilty of listening to the Beautiful South doesn’t she. I bet she drives a Zara Picasso too and holidays in the south of France, but tells people she started going there before it was trendy. I am also to believe she is the wife of Michael Jack, local MP and all round Tory boy. He too is a bum winnet.. but thats another story.

Anyway, I digress… so The Beautiful South. Wikipedia cites them as being full of “Kitchen Sink Drama” and thats probably partially the reason I hate them so much. Every song is like an episode of Coronation Street, and as such, I want the band to die in a horrible tragedy. The world really doesn’t need more Coronation Street..

The world also really doesn’t need any more bands that are perched on that middle of the road peg, sitting on the sidelines ready to jump on the trendy bandwagon to make a quick buck. Now really, the Beautiful South aren’t really guilty of this (and fortunately their split earlier this year means they won’t be polluting our air waves with any new material.. they’re old turds are destined to float around for years to come though), unlike many pop/rock bands *cough* U2 *cough* but they are painfully middle of the road.

U2… now thats a band I truly hate… *save that rant for another day*…

The BBC reported their split as the end of 19 wonderful years in music.. more like 13 shitty albums not worth the plastic they’ve been made out of. So the Beautiful South can go fuck themselves for ruining my toilet time.. and for giving dickholes like Alison Jack the “gritty” music they can concoct their plans for ruining one of the best things that could’ve happened to Lytham ever.

I’ve been going through my blog, looking at the statistics to who visits a lot, and what traffic I draw back with my varying rants and spotted someone in Japan had been referred from Google with the search “Where is Guri Wonderland?” (The answer is Hell). I noticed my 13 points of things to do when I got back to the UK and it made me laugh as the reality is far from the ideal.

1. Pint in the Links… on Jonny! A game of darts and a few quid in the bandit… its stupid but thats home… slagging off the gay lord quiz master, whether thats the Racoon or that other Knucklebeard and then not really being all that bothered about it.

Lol… I never did get a pint out of Jonnys winnings, although he has bought me a beer. I’ve bought some darts and have started to improve, but since the only reason to go to the Sunday night quiz is over (Open the Box was won), no one goes in any more. I also forgot how bad the Sunday quiz is… man that quiz guy is a loser…

2. Boys nights…OiOi with eBoy and the lads.

I think in the 6 months I’ve been back I’ve had about 3 boys nights out at most. This isn’t to say that I haven’t been out on the lash after Snooker several times, just boys nights out have been a bit thin on the ground.

3. Talking Science with Phil

Haha… yeah, top job!

4. Snooker night!

Enjoyed the Snooker season, we finished third and got a trophy! Check the league table here!

5. Steak night at Spoons.

They’ve put the price up by 50p but its actually better than is used to be.. when they have my Ribeye steak in…

6. Mixed Grill and a pint of Bods at the Fairhaven.

My appetite has changed a little since coming home but I can still manage a mixed grill from the Fairhaven. Unfortunately they’ve put the price of drinks up beyond logic (a coke is something like £1.60 for a half pint!) so we don’t like to go in as often. Food is still the best for portion size and quality in the area though.

7. Driving a car… any car!

I have just this month got enough money together to put my car back on the road. Its cost me a ridiculous amount!

8. Poker Tuesdays/Thursdays

I haven’t been to play live poker since getting home, how sad!

9. Knowing my games consoles are all there…

Dreamcast is still at Daxs but I have the rest of them set up just about but our current living arrangement doesn’t give me the best opportunity to play them all party style.

10. A TV thats less than 10 years old…. probably again, at Jonnys!

I bought a 32″ LCD 2 months ago because the room we are living in was driving us insane and the only escapism was on a crappy 21″ TV. It was cheap from DABs (£340 cheap) so I felt it was about time I invested in some new technology.

11. Sitting in the sand dunes.

Not sat in the sand dunes yet, Ive been for a walk on the beach, and took the camera down to try some HDR photography of the sea but thats about it.

12. Having more than one room in my house.

Haha…. we’re actually living in a smaller space than I had in Korea and have been for the last 6 months! I’ve just got a new job so we’re now in a position to move out but its been hell!

13. Tescos for bits and bobs at 1am when Im in one of those moods!

This is probably the best thing about living in the UK, but probably one of the worst things for the planet and society. Tesco are taking over and destroying small businesses the country over. Everyone is a slave to Tesco but when they have everything under one roof its great.

… too many little things to count really… moneys a nice thing to have, and tax is a nice thing to avoid, but without the small things it can be a little empty… until you have enough of it not to be bothered about the little things and can just do what you want all day!

What a crock of shit! I don’t know what I was hopped up on when I wrote this but I take it back. Tax is a nice thing to avoid… yes, yes it really is… things have got worse in the UK and taxation is still on the rise. The government looks for more and more ingenious ways to make sure all of our wages eventually ends up back with them and we continue to stay numb because as a nation we tend to bury our heads in the sand and pretend it doesn’t really affect us. House prices continue to rise, but hopefully an interest rate increase will overstretch a few people and I will be able to get a cheap house sometime in the near future.

Money is never empty… poor people just like to think it is because they don’t have it and want to justify their own existence by saying things like “you can’t buy happiness” etc etc. Its one of the biggest lies thats sold to society. Hollywood sells it, the music industry sells it and most people buy into it.

The truth is that of course you can buy happiness and everyone does buy happiness. You buy it in the shape of the things around you, your house, your car, nights out, nights in, the Sky subscription (keeping you fat and stupid on that big comfy couch of yours, snacking away like the bovine mind cattle you are), the kids, the dog, the designer clothes, the holiday to Tenerife, the weekend break to the Lake District. The secret is to keep you thinking that being really wealthy isn’t something you would like, to keep buying things to make you happy and to keep the commercial world ticking over.

I don’t know why I complain.. I, like everyone else, am searching for the comfortable place in society where I’m happy to take it in the ass. No matter what you do, where you live, what your walk of life is, someone or something will want to F you in the A. Whether that be the government, a gang leader, a pimp, your boss, your employees, or simply a totalitarian regime set on changing your country for the better of its own, someone is above you and they have that “Rodney” sized strap on ready to give you the ass pounding of your life. It’s just a matter of how loose you are at the end of the day….

Internet site of the week: NoMarriage.com

I found an interesting article on Digg on why men dont want to get married and in the large part I have to agree with it. I’m afraid to say that I see it in some of the people around me and it is quite true and hurtful to think that some women out there see men as a pay cheque, or have an ulterior motive towards marriage and kids. Don’t get me wrong, men are quite shallow in some of their needs on this site, but some of the stories I can totally see happening. Some of these guys also need to grow a set but thats another story…

Two of my favourite statements on this site are:

Women are, for the most part, not well suited to accept reality or to think logically. they will approach a situation with their mind already made up, then they will twist and manipulate the information to validate what they’re already thinking.

and

My granddad told me an insightful story before my wedding. He said for the first year of marriage to put a penny in a jar every time I had sex with my wife. Starting in year two, take out two pennies every time we had sex. He said there’d be money in the jar when I died. I think he’s going to be right.

There are some quite bitter personal statements on this site, some jaded opinions of women and I can’t help feel like the author got royally ass fucked by his wife in their divorce but all in all its a funny and interesting read.

If you are considering marriage I recommend checking out Whom Not To Marry and seriously reassessing the situation as a man, not a pussy whipped shadow of your former self. Making the wrong decision will see you in a loveless relationship, be destined for divorce and you living off 20% of your wages in a grungy little flat whilst she enjoys your kids, your house and gets everything shes been setting up from day one.

If its news to you that we are looking for a Chihuahua then I have just told you. Once Amy and I get settled at wherever it may be we move to we are going to be looking to get ourselves a little dog called Sega.

Now searching for Sega thus far is fruitless as we can’t actually a) afford him/her b) have him/her living with us in our one room at my dads and c) causing heart ache but none the less we have been. I think I am however, becoming a bit of a girl…

You must know that annoying noise girls make when they see something cute? I have been guilty of making that noise on several occasions recently. It is hard to contain that noise when you see some of the insanely cute dogs on the ePupz website we have been searching on and I have included some pictures of the most cute dogs we have seen so far.

Really though I dont care… and if you didn’t make that noise when you saw the pictures I’ve added to this post, then you’re dead inside!

How is this NOT cute?!

Starting here and baring in mind this is supposed to be a list of the most important games of all time this list manages to miss the mark by miles. Holy fuck someone hates Sega/loves Sony over at GamePro (maybe they gave them a batch of the PS3s they have lying around doing nothing…) so rather than creating my own list, I’m going to cover just 10 games they missed due to n00bism / stupidity / being 12 years old.

1. Sonic the Hedgehog - Sega Genesis/Master System/Game Gear
Surely this was one of the first battles of a console and caused more playground fights than any other pair in gaming history? Everyone had a favorite, whether it was the furry little Blue Hedgehog, or a fat Italian Plumber but this game started the term “console war” pitting it side by side with Nintendos mascot. If that alone doesn’t justify its place on the list I don’t know what the fuck will…

2. Sensible World of Soccer - Amiga/ PC / Atari ST(?)
Not a single football game on that list (damn Americans) but this is the first truly classic football game before licensing deals/EA dominance took over. Diehard fans are still creating updates for this game, it was just that good. Management decisions, glorious gameplay and difficulty, in its time this game had it all (and all the player names to boot)! This game is still one of the only great Player Manager football games available to date, 15 years later!

3. Monkey Island - - Amiga/ PC / Atari ST
LeChuck and Guybrush, Guybrush and Le Chuck… what a pair they are! Not the first point and click adventure, but it certainly led the way for Lucas Arts in terms of defining a pretty high standard of comedic script writing and a seemingly limitless number of possibilities for item combinations and actions. With 3 sequels, and numerous other classic Lucas Arts titles that follows (Day of the Tentacle and the brilliant Sam and Max are amongst my own personal favorites) this was definitely an important title for the adventure game genre.

4. Shenmue - Sega Dreamcast
Not only did this game show that a massive budget doesn’t guarentee you success, nor does years of planning and script writing, it also showed what it technically possible with the Dreamcast, and within the world of video games. Hoping that the days of not being able to interact with all the objects in a game, Shenmue allowed us to play, fiddle and explore every item of the game, including drawers, cupboards and tables in random peoples houses.

I felt the western release of Shenmue was massively let down by poor (nay, terrible) voice acting which was a turn off for a lot of my friends at the time. If you could look past that, as hard as it was, what you found was a pretty engrossing adventure and quite deserved of a place in the most important video games of all time.

5. Crash Bandicoot - PSX
Crash became the “Mario” of Sonys console and his release into the Playstation catalog was much needed at the time. Crash Bandicoot became one of the first console shifters for the younger PSX audience and is responsible for many a Playstation in the kids bedroom. Whilst nowhere near as good or technically brilliant as Mario 64 on the N64, the Crash introduction as a brand name allowed for many more titles under its licence and yearly updates and versions. They even released a crappy Mario Kart clone or two, keeping all the Nintendo like fun accessible for those with the Sony console, and in terms of the market, I feel that deserves a place on the list.

6. Tomb Raider - PSX
This game became the first game to prove that sex symbols work to sell video games to teenage boys. Lara Croft instantly became the pinup of the day, with rumors circulating of “nude cheats” got the blood pumping to a certain body part that the industry hadn’t seen much of before in any other form than cheap sex games. Since Lara there has been a strew of other game hotties, but lest we forget where Sex Symbols in games started to hit the mainstream.

7. Resident Evil - PSX / Sega Saturn
Fuck Resident Evil 4, this is the important Resident Evil. How dare they say that RE4 is more important than the founder of the Survival Horror genre! Where the likes of Alone in the Dark had failed, Resident Evil blasted its way onto the scene with a mixture of fear, tension and great puzzle solving like we had never seen before. RE led the way for Silent Hill, Illbleed, Dead Rising and every other survival horror title ever, showing us what in game tension should be all about.

8. Pokemon - Nintendo Gameboy
Probably the strangest omission I found seen as this is still going and has done more the burn the Nintendo brand into the mind of a generation than any other game, arguably more than even Mario. Pokemon has certainly help keep Nintendo afloat during the hard times of its previous games consoles.

You might not instantly know Pokemon is a Nintendo trademark, but I’m damned if you don’t know what Pokemon is. Pokemon and its continuing reign of terror showed the industry how to market to kids and to be able to expand out of solely video games.

9. Double Dragon - Arcade
Ahh… the signs of a misspent youth in the arcade, but Double Dragon led the way for many of the great CPS2 games and arcade titles, including Final Fight, Knights of the Round, Streets of Rage, Golden Axe, Cadillacs and Dinosaurs and many other scrolling beat ‘em ups. Whips, baseball bats and scary black giants that looked like Mr T.. this game rocked hard! Double Dragon started one of my favorite genres of games, and therefore deserves homage.

10. Katamari Damacy - PS2
Now there are many other titles I could list and justify, but I feel Katamari deserves a place because it proves a point that I have been trying to make for years, and is one of the only games I can recall that does it; it proves that crazy Japanese titles can and do work in the western hemisphere.

This game is truly brilliant, truly Japanese and without its successful launch in the west, it would be unlikely we would’ve seen the brilliant Loco Roco or a number of other games deemed to Japanese for our differing tastes.

Well, thats my choice of 10 games that should’ve made it to that list in the top 50. Granted it is somewhat an opinion outside of the top ten (Madden in second can eat my ass..) but really, not a single Sega title in there showed how much GamePro suck balls…